I Need a Reality Check Please

I’ve been struggling with recognizing and appropriately dealing with my husband’s verbal abuse. As of yet I haven’t given up hope for our relationship. I am starting to regain my self-confidence and defend myself and children from his angry outbursts. He seems to be getting better but it is definitely a work in progress. I am finding that I am still unsure of the roll I play in contributing to our marital problem. I’m sure some of my behaviors could be considered abusive and even manipulative at times. I also understand that my perceptions and sense of reality is likely still heavily influenced by his manipulations and my background. I was hoping that some of you could give me some advice the following situation.

My husband has spent the week hunting from dawn to nightfall. When he comes home he basically retreats to the bedroom and has had very little interaction with me or the kids. I know this sounds bad, but hunting has always been a part of his life and I’m OK with him dropping off the face of the earth for a week to do his own thing. However this has resulted in a dramatic increase in his physical activity and fatigue has set in --he has become miserable. Today he came home really down on himself complaining of leg cramping, tiredness, and generally feeling like crap. This obviously is the result of going from being sedentary to hiking around in the woods all day. The problem is that he comes home and literally dumps is anger, frustration, and woes on me and expects me listen with compassion. I can handle him isolating himself for a week but I really struggle with trying to be supportive of him when he gets like this. It is times like theses where he calls me cold, insensitive and uncaring. I want to support him and listen to his concerns but much of what he is experiencing is self inflicted and his angry tone and body language makes me not want to be around him.

Am I being cold and insensitive? Should I be able to rub his back, lie to him about his state of health, and listen to his woes? Am I being self-centered? Is this what wives who love their husband’s are supposed intuitively to do?

OK...., maybe I was being a bit of an insensitive jerk. I am just having trouble walking the line between allowing myself to be abused and being a jerk myself. This morning I made it a point of getting up early and see him off on his next hunting adventure. Although he was still down on himself and frustrated, his anger and aggressiveness seemed to be incheck. I was able to talk with him and provide the encouragement he needed. I just want nothing to do with him when he is angry.

Well, the good thing is that hunting season only comes once a year...I think, I am not really up on the hunting laws. I come from the country so I understand the drive and determination some men (and some women) have for hunting. It seems to take over their life this time of the year. It was very supportive of you to get up and see him off this morning. I hope he shows his appreciation of your efforts. But, hunting season or not, him taking his anger out on you is not healthy for you or your relationship. Please don't call yourself a jerk--you seem completely rational to me. Taking care of and supporting your husband is important, but not at the expense of your own mental health. Maybe when hunting season is over and he has had time to calm down, you two can have a talk about some of these issues. But, of course, if he becomes abusive, you may not be able to wait until the end of hunting season. Sorry that this post sounds like I am offering advice. I was married to a man who was a hunter, so I understand what it is like to be "the wife." I don't know about you, but my goal was to just make it through hunting season...I indulged my husband and gave him extra room to do what he needed to do, but he was never abusive towards me--just a little on the grouchy side for a while.

DePressMe,
Thanks for your comments. Hunting.. honestly I could careless. I am just so done with listening to the yelling, I'm the boss, general bullying crap. I think I'm being a little over sensitive now. Although he is a big guy and could squash me like a bug, he tends to back off when I stand up to him. I may get the silent treatment for a few days but then he usually settles down. I guess I'm just being indecisive about what I can live. Mostly I can't figure our what I am really feeling at this point.

I think I need of peace and meaningful conversation.
Thanks for your response.