[somebodysomeday]

my mum fed me to the devil.....i want to hate her...to despise her..
but i always always go back to her...
i come crawling back...
to be loved...
to be cared for and held...like a mum should hold u n keep u safe..
i want her to be a MUM and care for me...
hug me and hold me...
comfort me and tell me i am safe...

but im never gonna get that....
but everyday i just think...maybe it will be different this time..

Even tho she was depressed...sad...messed up...taking drugs...how could she leave me...

knowing her father is destroying me...
killing me.....

how could she turn a blind eye?
how could she live with herself?

was i nothing to her?
am i nothing?

and what about my grandmother?
is she not as bad as him?

in the same house??
sitting in the lounge room...washing the dishes??

ignoring it...ignoring the fact he is having his way with me...
a seven year old...an eight year old...

did she not hear me weep...after?
did she care?

did she then go and have dinner with him?
go to sleep with him next to her?

after he had just stolen my innoscense..
taken my childhood...
destroyed my body....
destroyed my mind...

how sad it is...for a seven year old girl to want to die...
to think about death...as her only escape...

to long for her mum to come and save her...
but where was she...i kept waiting..and waiting...i stayed up just incase id miss her...but she never came....
nobody did..

my mum..my grandma...guilty as sin...guilty as him...

[DePressMe]

My mother abandoned me when I was about 3 years old. I was left to fight for survival in an extremely abusive environment. You asked, “how could she leave me.” I have thought the same thing…how do you leave your child? Especially when you know they are being abused? To me it is unimaginable. And yet, I had complete faith that she would return and rescue me…I waited for years. She never came. She never rescued me. Nobody rescued me—I had to run away from it all.

Your post is very touching…it says many things about my feelings and my story. In some ways, I am sorry we can relate to each other…I am sorry both of us have gone through such horrible abuse and neglect. Thank you for writing—you have helped me along my path to recovery.

[somebodysomeday]

i made a decision today....and that....was to..at least try..and stop waiting...
i know at times i will fail...reach out to her...and be rejected...
but im going to try..hard as it is...
i think im making the right decision...not sure...
ill still see her....but i wont be relying on her...to bring me close to her again...like she did....once apon a time....
before....she gave me up...
to the devil....

((((((((somebodysomeday))))))))

I too made that decision before Christmas...only I will never see my mum...she is in denial...I miss a mother figure...always have....instead of teaching me right from wrong, she taught me deceipt, abuse, mistrust, anxiety, I crave still for maternal love, butwill never get it from her....so she's out of my life..she failed to protect me, she still kept in contact with my auser for years after I told her about him when I was 15...she didn't believe me, though I know she must have witnessed it...he was a hypnotist you see....messed with our minds.

Please do what is best for you...she will never change, love yourself, I know that is hard I have to learn to practice what I preach too....one day we will be free of those awful ties, memories, pain......

holding your hand, we as survivors can let go...they cant hold us hostage for ever....because then they would be winning.....

love and care, Kerry xxxxx Jin x

[somebodysomeday]

thankyou.....so much.....:-)