[cheekiebird]

I have kept this inside for a long time so here goes. It could be quite long so please be patient. I have four sisters and one brother, my father sexually abused myself and two sisters, he was extremely physically abusive to us all and so was my mother.
My first recollection is him abusing my sister when I was 4 and she was 6, my mother got the police and he was taken away, but he came back. He was extremely violent, he used to strip us naked and beat us in turn with his belt while the others watched inline, waiting for their turn.
He continued to sexually abuse us, he would isolate one of us for a perceived misdemeanour and pounce. My mother knew every time, she was usually at work, her advice "what have I told you! stick together" what could we do, we had no-one to tell and when we did nothing happened.
This continued into my teens (15), my sister went to the police because she had run away and he wanted her home
she told them everything he got a suspended sentence, we didn't even get a visit from social services.
They emotionally, physically and sexually abused us and made us keep the secret until they divorced when I was 28, then mother told anyone who would listen to what a terrible life she had! We were freaks to our own relatives (they live 300 miles away) they did not know. They could not comprehend why we appeared to love him and continue our relationship. They were both as bad as each other.
Consequently, he died, never to cause pain again but she moved back to our home town with our relatives and re-married. She has close relations with our family but treats us like **** everyone loves her. She plays us siblings of one another and our children. She accuses my sister of "making eyes at her daddy"

We are all grown now with children of our own, our lives have been blighted by the past and some of us have caused our own children pain.
I have always been resilient and have been a good mother, never committing the same mistakes. I have been in education for 5 years, gaining a college certificate, a degree and am presently doing a masters in SOCIAL WORK my problem is
I have tried to help my siblings, and the more I learn through education the more angrier I get.

I got drunk with my mother the other night, I tried to get her to help my sister I got the usual excuses"I didn't know" "what could I do" Then she told me it wasn't her fault and she doesn't care! Well the red mist decended and she got 40 yrs of pain, everything I ever wanted to say she got it!
My friend was with me, my mum tried to hit me and I was prepared to give her it, something I have never done. My friend stopped it. My mother left declaring it was the last time she would set foot in my house. I don't , cannot remember it but the howls from my soul was heartbreaking apparantly I just don't have any recollection.
I woke the next morning still sobbing! But not for what happened but the things she said. Even my friend who has always said she may have been bad when we was young but she's changed, can't believe the things she said. She truly does not care, she has no sympathy for what we went through she cannot recognise our pain.
But I feel free! I feel ready to fly, it's like I have had a spiritual awakening and believe me I am not religious. My father used to refer to us as my 'mother's catholic *****y daughters'
She is old and maybe I should feel bad, perhaps I will but for now I don't care! Have they won? I am the one that usually sorts out the problems not cause them.

(((((((cheekiebird))))))

I am so so sorry for what you have endured....your story is very similar to my own apart from it was my mothers lover who was a pdoc who abused me...my mother emotionally abused me and sexually a couple of times that I remember....my dad had nothing to do with it although my abuser tried t make me believe it was my dad because he was a hypnotist and messed with my mind from the age of 8-15.....

Just recently I askedmy so called mother for a break til I had been through therapy for a while....she respecedmy wishes...I said I'd be in touch in the new year and sort it all out...all 40 years of it....then my cousin dropped a bombshell....at a family Christmas party my mother said she could 'do without' all the hassle I'm putting HER through.....I have gone down hill since and all those raw feelings are coming back....she never believed me either.....I know your pain and I am holding you tight..... I crave the maternal love I never had and will never have.....

Please know you are not alone.....if ever you want to talk please pm me or I'll comeinto chat with you.....I'm from UK so there may be a time difference.....

I have 2 teens and I make sure they are protected and safe and loved...that at least is a positive out of something so bad....I have to think that way....

Keep safe....thinking of you

Jinnyann xxxxx remember you are not alone...

[cheekiebird]

I am from the uk too!
Oh my mother always knew, every single time.
I think she was jealous of us especially my eldest sister who was his favorite victim.
He was the love of her life and I believe she felt we stole her man. He left her for some-one who looked like my sister and was only a year older.

[Rhapsody]

((( HUGS ))) - I felt your pain as I read your post as I know all to well what you are saying and talking about..... and in my mind I have to ask -When will the adults that did not protect us a child stop lying to themselves and take the reasonability that is their's in this matter?

My mum was jealous I think...and I had to keep the affair from my dad for years.....guilt....I carry guilt all day every day still for everything....I stayed quiet for years so I wouldn't put my mum through a break up with 'him' he was the love of her life too....

BiG mistake...I could have stopped others being abused...guilt...

are you in therapy? I just started a few months ago but feel I'm going backwards right now....normal apparently

Jin xx

[cheekiebird]

Jinnyann,
Don't let them win! Every time my mother visits I am like a coiled spring, I get so worked up, she looks at sad stories on tv or mags and says thats so sad. I want to strangle her, but I am a better person. I have six children and they assure me they have happy lives, they are all doing well, I am doing well and I have a great relationship with my husband. Many wonderful friends,
The cycle is broken.
Thank you for your concern and peace be with you! xxxx

[cheekiebird]

I have never discussed all this with a therapist, I have only told my husband, omitting some details to painful for him. I have told some secrets to one very good friend. My sisters and I do not discuss it either.

(((((((cheekiebird)))))))

I am so happy for you.....I think it makes us better people...

I dont see my mum any more.... I feel better without her in my life...she also looks at sad things and thinks she is better than everyone....she is materialistic and narcissistic and she is never wrong....she also puts me and my daughter down constantly , well she did until we stopped seeing her....

PM me anytime, always here....I'm from Derbyshire by the way

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
cheekiebird said:
My sisters and I do not discuss it either.

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This seems to be the typical way many families try to deal with sexual abuse with in their family and to try and hide all their deep dark secrets..... and this happened with my family as well - and I was the only one that spoke up, therefore, I became the black sheep of the family.

But you know what - about two years ago I let loose while at my mothers house and I said all that I had wanted to say for the last thirty years and at that moment I did not care who heard or knew all about my abuse and how my mother did very little to stop it........ my T was proud of me and I have never felt better than I did after that particular day - - a deep release came unto me.

[Catriana]

(((((cheekiebird)))))

I'm so sorry that that happened to you all. I have an uncle that abused his daughters(the non-biological ones and probably the biological ones as well) sexually for a long, long time. All of them hate him and the entire family is just a mess. He's still married to my aunt even after all the abuse he's done to everyone (he once *****d out my aunt for money for a few years when they were younger).

It's hard to admit that the person who raised you and the person you love is just...well messed up. It's equally frustrating when they say they've done nothing wrong, that it was all you and not them. Parents need to take responsibility for their mistakes. To err is human, one must always strive to improve. Denial does nothing but hurt you and others around you.

Even though my father beat me down emotionally as a kid, my parents refuse to admit that they might have made mistakes. They become really defensive when I speak negatively of the past, using "Well we loved you and still do, how can you doubt that?" as their defense. In the end, while I understand that my father had PTSD, they could at least admit that they were wrong for treating me that way, that they could have handled it better, instead of making it seem like it was some elaborate 'growing up' scheme and that I grew up perfectly happy and there's no reason why I should be high-strung or defensive around them.

You did what you felt was right; what you continue to feel is right. Sometimes, a verbal smack in the face of reality is what people need. Good luck to you in future dealings with your mother.

[I_WMD]

I rarely come into this forum for the ripping of my heart thing ..... BUT not as Much as You Survivors endure in your memories ,,,, {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ gentle hugs }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}