[Eleora]

I finally reported everything to the police, even though nothing can be done and I accept that. 4 years after I was raped, I didn’t expect it to result in charges. It’s on record and if he does anything again they’ll have the information from it.

I think this was a big step for me. I felt relieved and also very frightened. I keep trying to find the words to talk to someone in depth about it and I can’t seem to find the words. I literally open and close my mouth repeatedly, unknowing how to go about actually opening up. There is one person, an older adult in my life that I absolutely trust more than anyone else in my life. He’s expressed concerns and told me when I’m ready he’ll be there for me to talk.

People say not to force it, but I want to talk, I need to talk, and I don’t know how to, or where to begin. I’m going to be talking to my psychiatrist about it on Thursday but even then, I don’t quite know what to say exactly, besides that it happened. I don’t even say “rape” when I talk about it, and I struggle to say “sexual assault”. I usually refer to the event as “it” and don’t use the phrases. They just sound so… guttural?

I’m just wondering if anyone has any advice. I’m sure how to open about this, or anything in my life really, but this in particular.

[Perna]

Is the police record written down and do you have a copy? You could use that as "notes"? I'd start writing, not trying to find the "right" words but just to get stuff out like you're doing in this post. Just write for a week, see whether things get "clearer" for you or easier to talk about?

[Eleora]

I've written a bit, but I didn't think to keep doing it. That's a really good idea - thank you.

I don't have a copy of the police report. It was fairly informal, and just basically, "this man did this." They let me set the pace and give as much or as little detail as I felt comfortable with. It was kind of nice how they handled it; I don't think I could have gone into a full fledged explanation.

[Perna]

Or, you could talk to yourself :-) I do that often, have conversations with myself when I'm in the car or other places "private"? But just saying hard words out loud, saying them quietly or loudly, with anger or fear, etc. Just play with the sounds/words.

Get your senses into the whole thing, keeping yourself safe, observing from your now self. Maybe get "dolls" like they have with children and talk it through?