determining feelings

Does anybody else have trouble pinpointing what they're feeling?

I feel kind of icky at the moment. Am I cold? Am I nauseous? Am I horny? Am I hungry? Honestly, it could be any or all of the above. I can't tell. I just know I feel icky, and "off" somehow.

I worked for years in therapy to figure out how to determine what I'm feeling at any given time, and I still don't have names for most of it. Normal people know when they're angry and why, for example. I rarely do. If you asked me to list emotions, I could give you about 4 basic ones. I'm staggered by the list for mood smileys here, for example. They're so ... distinct. I can't do distinct. I'm lucky just to know whether I feel good or bad.

The corollary, I guess, is that I don't usually know how I come across. People will ask me why I'm ticked off when I didn't realize I was and didn't think I treated them like I was. T told me the other day that when she asks me a question, I "retreat." I was floored! As far as I knew, I was answering her questions as best I could. I don't purposely hide from her -- I think she just doesn't necessarily ask the right questions. (It's an ongoing problem and I'm working up the guts to tell her we just aren't a good match. If your T doesn't get you, you're in pretty sad shape!)

Anyway, I am just wondering if this is common among survivors. It always helps me if I can feel like a bit less of a freak.

Candy

Yes, me too. I often can't tell what I'm feeling. I carry a cheat sheet around in my dayplanner, actually, so that I can reference it and try to figure out what I'm feeling. T wasn't impressed with that strategy. But, if you google "feelings chart" you will find some that might be useful.

http://therivendellcenter.org/docs/feelings_chart.pdf
This one looks good, as it categorizes feelings in groups. At the moment I'm not finding the one I have in my planner, but I got it from the internet too.

I have some understanding of where this inability comes from. When, as a child, your feelings or perceptions were invalidated a lot, you learn not to trust your feelings because your caregiver says they are wrong or inaccurate. So then you grow up not being sure about your feelings and it is hard to even know what they are.

Hey candy, I think you and rap are right. The caregivers are the ones who alter our perception of a right or wrong feeling and it leaves us wondering if we even know how we end up feeling.

(did that make sense)??? LOL

Yup i have feelings and dont know what/where they stem or what they mean. A lot of the times. My T also tells me I dodge giving straight answers as well as putting up a brick wall at one point or another. meanwhile I truly believe ive answered the questions. dunno maybe its a flight or fight thing with us.

Have a good day. Hope this helps.

Colleen

Sometimes my mother would ask what we wanted. If we gave the "wrong" answer, she would tell us that, no, that was not what we wanted. Then she would tell us what we wanted.

That was one of the mildest things she did to let us know what to think. It was what she did long after she had beaten us into submission to her will already, so that only a hint as to what she wanted was needed.

Candy bear I know exactly how u feeel!! I get that sicky feeling, low mood swings, one minute i think i'm happy, the next i'm low again.

I guess its how we were raised and dictated too. I too am so familiar with questions and then negotiations. For example, "you should do this or do that", but "oh u probably wouldn't like that because of this or they would eat u alive", just crap like that!

PLus add some sex abuse on top of it and mixed emotions and promises, talk about WOW, no wonder abused people have so many
problems later in life. Makes u feel like snapping!

Your not a freak but if it helps i feel like that myself lots of times. I look around and wish i had been brought up in a friends home or where someone seems i know has it all together...

oh well, whats to be will be i guess, i hope that helped, take care.....

(((((Candy)))))))))

Who would have thought it... this is my problem with my T right now too... he calls me "distant", other T's say I have trouble identifying emotions. My current T is a nut... I wouldn't have thought this had stuff to do with being a survivor of abuse, but it does make sense.

So yes, I have trouble pinpointing how I'm feeling.

Thank you - this has been more help to me than you realize.

I know about ..'..retreating..' I often retreat into myself, in the middle of a conversation, and people at work notice and say, do you ever stay in reality Junerain, like it's that obvious I live in my own world. How can something so subjective be that obvious? I must REALLY live in my own world..I notice for myself it;s whenever the conversation becomes about something practical, or as you say, when someone asks the wrong questions....I definately do not have a practical mind........

Hey all, Hi Candybear & Rap, I'm Dan and I have one
thing you might want to try. There are really two kinds
of questions; one is an open ended question, and two is a
closed ended question. One is closed where the answer
most probably is yes or no. example; Did you enjoy
the movie? You reply with a yes or a no as an answer
and dialogue is closed till someone talks in turn.
An open ended question does the opposite
its where an answer is followed by a question
which requires a reply that's different from the
yes and no. example; When are you coming back from
school? This is a reply that leaves an open,
to go further into a conversation. And, also
try not to use words like, I don't know, or, maybe,
or words such as; really, but, or sometimes;
I don't like,sounds less demeaning
than the word "hate".

See ya gals, take care, hope this helps you.

DB

Yeah, I do sometimes. Sometimes it is because I DON'T WANT TO KNOW what I'm feeling (e.g., I'm trying not to feel anger or hurt or something).
Othertimes it is because I'm AMBIVALENT. Many different intense feelings. Rage, love, sadness, despair all mixed up so that I don't even know where to begin.
Othertimes it is because I'm NOT QUITE SURE. It is like... There is something there... But I'm not quite sure what it is... And it... Could go either way.

E.g., if I do something nice for myself I can end up feeling pretty good.
But if I think 'no - something is bugging me I can end up feeling annoyed.
Or if I think my way into it sometimes I'll feel grief or sadness.

Sometimes physiological arousal is interpreted into emotions.

The best thing for turning it into a 'positive' one is exercise or something like that. Instead of asking 'how do I feel' I ask 'what does the body want?' Sometimes it is icecream lol.