[Kiya]

the past few days every time i turn around it seems there is another reminder to the burried past. i feel it clawing to get out, and yet, i doubt i will say enough words to do it justice.

but clearly i will not get any rest until i do...
the triggers are the age 11 and the name. for the age, i read a post with that age. i saw the movie Golden Compass and Lyra is about that age, and developmentally "showing" as was i at that age. Pretty woman was on tonight and the scene where the business associate tries to harm her was triggering.

ok... so after a lifetime of molestation and things i don't remember consciouslly, we moved for the umteenth time and i was 11. I can't remember if the first attack there in that place was from my sperm doner, or the neighbor. but it is the neighbor one that is clawing it's way out.

his name started with "la***" and i saw that name again (i think - it was la-something) at my new temp job and triggered. i think now it has been pushed back down into the abyss of my mind... so now i don't know what to say. i guess i could say that us three girls were drugged and ***** one at a time while the others were forced to watch. we had to stand up and watch - one in each part of the room and the girl on the floor... one girl was his own daughter - she was first. then my best friend. then me. i forgot all about that man, his name, what he looked like. even my mom knew him. but i didn't. when i remembered and all the pictures returned and i told my best friend she affirmed all of it - even though according to my mom i "never stepped foot in that man's house".
when i remembered i had a lot of guilt for not getting help. my best friend was being hurt and i did nothing and i was right by the locked door.
i also felt guilt that his daughter and i didn't matter to me because we were used to it. only my best friend mattered.
ok - i posted.

oh Kiya. I'm so sorry. I know you must be in so much pain right now. I send you my support and care. Can you turn off some of the stimuli (news, tv, radio, mags, books), and do things that may protect you and center you a bit like meditation, long walks, gentle exercise, warm bath.

[Rapunzel]

Later, we think of things that we wish we could have done differently. But I'm sure that you would have gotten help if you were able to at that time. You were probably stunned, or scared, and I don't know that you could have done anything different. You were a child and were conditioned to do what was expected of you. You did what you had to do in order to survive. I don't know if this is the answer for you or not, but these are my thoughts, and I hope that it helps you.

Rap

[Kiya]

thanks ev, rap.
i'm not looking for any answers.... just had to get that out of me before it consumed me last night. intellectually i know i could not have done anything; we were 11 (his daughter 8), we were all drugged with something, and the brother was also there (my age, but "older" somehow). I do not remember what part he played in all that. I think writing it out helped me not continue to relive it behind my eyes like was happening when i started the post.
kiya

((((kiya))))))

sorry for the self-help stuff.

[Kiya]

Oh - no, please. I didn't mean it like that at all =( Rap had just said "I don't know if this is the answer you're looking for". That's all. I really appreciate your comments - everyone's.
((((((((ev))))))))))

[Kiya]

Realized the trigger is staring me in the face at work - a painting is signed with the same first name of the perp. It always fascinates me how the mind can put up walls to try and protect itself; that it took this long to figure out the trigger, when i have to look right at that wall.

((((((((Kiya))))))))

[Kiya]

ty EV.

Ok - question - does any one have any good ways on blocking out triggering stimuli when out (especially at work)? Probably a dumb question - if we could, we'd have at least half the issues we have, eh?