Mum (Trigger Warning)

TRIGGER

I've been thinking a lot about this lately and figured I'd post, helps to write stuff but I hate writing IRL for fear that people will find it, so just writing it here because I have to get it out, regardless of if anyone reads it.

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It was December and I was 7. The day had been completely normal for me, I had woken up early in the morning to get food, rummaged through the trash for clothes later on. It hadn't been that cold, but I had still wished that I had a jacket.

It was night now, dead of night. I remember it was pitch black outside. I had been lying in bed, one of the few nights I was in my room. I couldn't sleep of course, thoughts and horror raced through my mind as they still do.

I could hear my father yelling downstairs, and I counted to 10 over and over again in my head to relax myself. Mum was downstairs too, she was screaming at dad.

I still couldn't sleep, so I grabbed my portable stereo, boom box I think is the name, and turned it on. For something that I had found in the trash it worked fine. I whispered the lyrics to myself, some of the only English I knew, hoping the sounds from downstairs would cease.

But they didn't, and I needed to know what was happening. I slowly pushed my door open and crept down the stairs, peering through the banister. I saw my dad, my mum was there too, her face wet with tears. My dad's hand were gripped around his gun, mum was screaming.

She yelled at me to go back to bed, I didn't move: I had never been close to my mum, she had run away when I was born, and only just come back. My father glanced over his shoulder and gave me a twisted smile.

"Jude, this is for you. You've caused this." He said in his hoarse French, and he pointed the gun at mum. There was a pause and it always plays in my mind in slow motion, but he pulled the trigger at mum's head.

I don't even remember if I flinched, but the last thing I remembered that day was him bending over mum's body and saying:

"Now when we play, Jude, she won't struggle like you do".
And he smirked.

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I HATE YOU DAD
Ty for reading.

aww, ledgewood.... wish i had the words. if you need to talk pm me.

Ledgewood,

I'm sorry for all that you have been through. You did not deserve any of this. I applaud your strength in coming here and sharing your story. I want to say more than this, but I know on some level that most words will simply fall short. But please know that there are people here who care and will support you in healing and building a life that you deserve.

be well,

mtd

Vince, i am really glad you shared this. i am so sorry that you have been through this. I am pleased that you feel free to hate your dad. i hope you are okay ((hugs))

Hi Ledgwood, I'm so sorry to read what you've gone through.

We are here for you

(((((((hugs)))))) queenie

(((((((((((((Ledgwood)))))))))))))))))) I feel for you my friend and hope that you will see the light at the end of the tunnel .
Lily

speechless.... I am speechless with the extent of the pain expressed in your post.... and you have so much courage.. unbelievable courage to share this... to face it... to get it out...

I have such anger with your father.... I wish.. like I always do.. that I could save the world... to have saved you....

I offer you.. understanding... and comfort...

very safe (((hugs)))

(((((((((hugs))))))))))))) Ledgewood

((((VINCE)))))

(((Ledge)))
there is nothing i can say to make it better......
know i care
You were very brave to post this
My thoughts are with you