[sujunew]

I've been trying to write for the past couple of days, but everytime I do it becomes all jumbled, mixed up, long and loses sense. I just can't figure out what is going on in my head, or what it is I need to get out. I know the basic stuff- that I saw my t (for the 1st time since before Christmas) and we are re-visiting my memories (or lack of)... Last year after a particularly hard session I became physically ill- so ill I ended up seriously sick in hospital the next day (medical, not psych). Those familiar 'sick' feelings are in my stomach again although I know that it will not escalate like last year. The differences between last year and this year are 1/ I am looking after myself better and 2/ last year was about facing what 'might have happened'. This year we have agreed that from a logical rational POV something DID happen- and that is what is making me feel so sick. Facing that possibility. You see, I feel unable to look at that possibility if I have no proof of it (I cannot unlock those 30 or so minutes from the 1-2 hours of 'video' that runs thru my mind).

Sorry, I have to stop there. At least I got some of it out...

[Rhapsody]

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

Please know that many of us understand where you are coming from and how you are feeling today - the confusion is so over bearing and the mind cannot think straight let along function in times of stress....... please take care of your self and rest as need, and if you have not tried it - get a notebook and just journal any and all thoughts / feelings and over time the puzzle will start to come to together.

many times trauma memories are not 30 minute long memories. They are snap shots that jump and move due to the trauma of the happening. Ijust thought i might share that.

[sujunew]

thanks rhapsody and ev.
Rhapsody, what you said really helps. I forget, until I come here, that there are others who feel like I do. I have always felt so alone with everything, and always like "I am THE only one".
Ev- just to explain quickly...my memories are of 1 day, where I have a 'video' memory of every detail of what I was doing except for what my t and I estimate to be 30-45 minutes inbetween which cannot be accounted for. My mind has developed 2 scenarios to fill in the blank. 1 is what I wish was right, the other is what I suspect is right. Ugh.

[misty324]

I know all too well what you are going through. Although I didn't even know I was a victim until recently. Long story short - some abuse happened as a child and my family covered it up and won't talk about it now. I was so small, plus it was so painful, that I don't remember. I have been through EMDR therapy but to no avail. My therapist thinks that it's hidden so deep that it's going to be very hard to get to.

I may never know the true story and I'm learning that it may be OK if I don't find out. It's hard, because our minds initially think that we have to know every detail. For some people, maybe it's best to not know - as hard as that sounds.

I hope that you are able to find some inner peace - whether you have a full recollection or not. Please know that you are not alone. If you ever want to talk about your challenges, please feel free to PM me. Maybe we can help each other with a similar situation.

Namaste,
Misty

[sujunew]

thanks misty.
I didn't know (and maybe still don't know??) anything had happened until about a year ago...
I guess that for me some of the memory may come as I begin to accept what may have happened- that seems to be the case for now...
Only now I am trying to deal with flashbacks, which I fear may be my imagination gone into overdrive to fill in the totally frustrating blank...