Apologies for posting another topic in this forum but I wanted to know what you guys thought of this.

My girlfriend used to have an abusive father. He used to beat her and I always tried to get her to turn him in because I feared for her, but she used to be on good terms with her dad, until she turned 10 and her mum died then her dad turned to drugs and became abusive. She always told herself and me that one day her dad would change so I didn't push it.

But when we turned 17 things got worse. I won't get into the entire story, but her father drugged her and was planning on raping her when I came by and begged him not to, but I was physically weak at the time because of multiple broken bones so I couldn't fight him... I told him I wasn't going to let him rape her, so he said it was me or her.

So it was me, so I let him rape me so she wouldn't be hurt... and it wasn't a one off thing, it happened for a while, every time he'd threaten her so I'd take the fall. I was scared if I called someone he'd hurt her.

To conclude the story, later in the year, I won't get into details, but I shot him in the kneecap and blinded him and my girlfriend left her dad forever. We have no idea what happened to him.

My gf later found out I had been raped by her dad, but she doesn't know how long... or why. I never discuss it with her and she knows not to press me for answers. But I hate not being able to talk about it because it weighs heavily on my mind.

So should I tell her why I was raped, because the reason was so she wouldn't be and so I could protect her from her dad? Because I feel like if I tell her she'll feel guilty, I know if it was the other way around I would feel guilty. I'm also scared she'll change her opinion of me because in a way the rapes were voluntary (not that I wanted them).

So do you guys think it's a good thing to tell her, even if it makes her feel guilty, or it's just the past and not worth bringing up?

[mtd]

Ledgewood,

No rape is voluntary. I don't think your girlfriend will see what happened any other way. You were sacraficing yourself.

I wonder if on some level you are more concerned that her knowing will simply open her wounds, force her to confront again all she went through with her father? If this sounds like a concern, maybe what you need is supports for how to best approach her.

Overall, I think at some point you will have to let this information out. You are obviously in pain keeping this secret from her. At the right time, I believe you will have to tell her. But I do recommend figuring out first the best time and best way to present this information in a loving and supportive way. It will be important for you as a couple.

Hope this helps.

be well,

mtd

I also say.... no rape is voluntary... and what happen to you.. was in no ... way...shape.. form... voluntary....

it was..rape... and brutal....

And.. you have so very much courage.... you really do....

Your question is so tough... it really is.... "secrets" are very hard on people - on you...

I kept secrets... alot of secrets.. and it takes a toll...

Finding the "right" time to tell her... would help to being able to work thru the knowledge if you choose to tell her..

That "right" time... may be when "things are in balance"... when things have settled down...

She knows... it sounds like... that there is "more" to the story... so she would... be expecting something.... in other words... it would not take her totally by surprise..."surprising" someone.. can lead to kind of a shock for that person...and perhaps an unexpected response...

It sounds.. like both of you have been thru a great deal.. and are very "tough" people... and "tough" people.. last...

(((((hugs)))) for you... for the pain you endured.. for your courage... for the pain that you feel now....

[Cyran0]

Ledgewood, tough call. It sounds like you'd be healthier if you disclosed this but it could add to the pain she feels about her own history.

So I don't think I can answer this one. I don't know either of you, nor do I know the dynamic of your relationship.

I know that for me, I probably would not tell my wife due to the fact that I've caused her a lot of pain already. But that is my situation and the state of my relationship. I think you have to reflect on your own situation.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

Cyran0