Supportive Opinions Requested.........

thats hard to tell. the same thing happened to me. only i was 17 and he was 27. i gave in because i was afraid what he would do if i said no. the times i got him to stop were because i physically pushed him off of me and got up and left. but i didnt say anything at the time because i thought that i would get the crap beaten out of me if i tried to say no. so was it rape? statutory yes, but probably not true rape. but it still messed me up extremely bad and now, 3 years later, im still unable to have normal sexual relations because the slightest thing will trigger me and start me bawling my eyes out.

with her though, its statutory rape no matter what. but probably, nothing will happen to him. hell go on probation maybe. spend a night in jail. then once he gets out, he could be so filled with revenge, that it would almost be better for him to not go to jail. does she have anyone to go where he couldnt find her? i agree with wmd... it has probably happened several times, but now shes fed up with it and wants someone to help her out. authority figures typically arent very helpful with things like this. when i tried to get a restraining order, they brushed it off like i was over-exaggerating. and it was my fault for being around someone that much older than me in the first place. i was apparently i slut who slept around and just wanted revenge. so he went out and did it to another girl after me, surprise surprise.

something needs to happen though. thats for sure. has she tried to tell him no and he keeps going? i wonder what would happen if she attempted to get away. or maybe if he starts getting drunk, stay with someone else that night.

As I sit here reading and tears filling my eyes, my heart goes out to your friend. I understand, and I have been there. The first thing she needs to know is this is not her fault--NOT in any way. It does not matter if alcohol was involved or not--an adult does not in any way have the right to touch a minor. It is abuse. An adult knows they are not to touch minors--authority figures or not--they have no right.

There are many reasons for not trying to stop someone from abusing you. Adults know what they are doing and many times they know just what to say, just how to threaten you. So many times they tell you that no one will believe you, that it will be worse if you tell. I know that I was threatened to be sent to the bad place. It is not her fault. She is at the stage where there are so many feelings running through her that it is hard to figure out what is happening and going on.

She is not guilty in any way. Sometimes when things like this happen, you dissociate not even there. And I have to wonder as someone else stated that maybe this is not the first time, but the first time it is being told. It takes sometimes a lot of courage to tell someone as you never know what might have been said to her.

Yes, he most certainly took advantage of her. So many times people use alcohol as an excuse, when it is not. He is still responsible for what he did. And if it continues on, who is to say alcohol will still be used. Next time it may not be the case.

Fear on her part is huge. She is young, and as we grow, feelings come that we do not even understand. Fear of getting hurt for telling. Fear of it happening again and maybe even worse. Fear of being blamed and not believed. Fear of causing someone to be taken out of a home and being blamed for that. Fear of others finding out. I could go on and on with fears that are so real to someone. Her fears are genuine and validated fears.

Sabby, I feel she has taken the first step to reaching out for support. That is so wonderful. Reaching out to you may have been the most important step taken. She has at least broken the secret. Someone else knows. Continue to talk with her and give her your support. As she feels more comfortable and trusting--maybe you can get her to reach out to the next step of someone she may trust. Give her time to continue learning that trust in you. Trust is so hard after it has been violated, that sometimes it takes a long time to get it back.

I hope she will seek out a T for support or a school counselor. I wish she could get out of the home as I think that would be best for her. But for now, just keep reaching out to her and supporting her. I send her my love and prayers even though I do not know her, but I know exactly what she is going through. Please let her know that I would be more than happy to talk to her if she would like. And above all, please--please let her know it is NOT HER FAULT BY ANY MEANS. She is the child and he is the adult--alcohol or not--he was wrong.

Keep supporting her sabby and let her know that she has a lot of support and care here.

cami

Salukigirl ,,,,, You would think that those that are paid to investigate would actually believe the reporting Person ...

And to say why you hang with someone older to that point ,,,, Geee ,, Ya think it might have been the reason he actually hung out with you ?? >>>. Hope you might someday find a cool trust place to a better than at the moment degree.


1truth.....All those observations ,,,, Keep Strong Friend ,,,.. You have alot to go on ,,, sorry .

((((((sabby&friend)))))))

I know that this is the age when our bodies are changing and we are having things physically and emotionally changing within and without that are new. and sometimes hard to understand. the way that i see it is he took advantage of her age, inexperience, and his position. people can try to blame alcohol or drugs and use them as an excuse, but one thing to remember, drunk or not, he still had that decision to make. His choice. Not hers. His fault. Not hers.

I do not know if she was at this mans house or if it is a living arrangement or what the situation is. But bottom line, she needs to get out, stay away, in order to protect herself. And I would beg of her to tell her story, to take action, take the control back from him and empower herself with it. See to it that he is outd and prosecuted. not just for her sake, but for others that could fall prey to this man also if he allowed to continue in his position and abuse other young girls or boys.

She may feel weak and unsure right now. But taking back the power and fighting for herself will do so much for her. and probably save countless others. And their could very well be others that step forward and say "yes, i happened to me too. He did this to me too."

Love and light to you and your friend. May God bless her with the strength and the courage to face these things. And also place a mighty hand of protection and healing over her.

recluse1

1. Is this sexual abuse? YES

2. If she didn't try to stop him, is it her fault or is she guilty for not trying to stop him? NO

3. Did he take adavantage of her? Considering the man was intoxicated this may have been lack of judgement on his behalf.. may not be fully intented.. unsure.. does she feel like shes been taken advantage of.. cos her feelings are what matter

4. What role does fear play on her part? fear is a response in association with fight or flight .. in her case fear may have prevented her from standin up and punchin the man in the face..(or stoppin it in some other way)

5. If she decides that indeed this was abuse, where could she turn to for help in telling her story and finding support? has she a supportive GP that she may be able to seek a referral to a therapist. depending on her local area there may be some supportive phone centres that she can call anonymously or clinics she can self refer to for counselling..the next has some great sites to...

...this was just a quik reply so sorry if im repeating things...
supportive virtual hugs to you and ur friend sabby...
heres to getting help and getting better..

Thank you all very much for your responses. I'm very grateful for you taking the time to post.

There may be another post coming soon as my friend has a few points and/or questions.


sabby

In the US yes she was assaulted - if an adult touches a minor in that way the very least it is is sex abuse. The guy could and should be criminally charged if she reported the incident to police. Minor does not have a duty to say no. Adult simply cannnot touch the minor - black letter law in most if no all states. Add the authourity figure issue and the guy is in real trouble. Tell your friend to stay away from him and report the incident.

I am late in answering... and.. I feel strongly on this subject...

Yes... this is sexual abuse... my understanding is this is an authority figure.. and a very much an adult male... and she is mid-teens....

She.. should not feel that she is responsible for this happening - this was most definitely not her fault...

Drinking.. or not drinking... the adult male is responsible for his actions...

And seeking help for the teenager.. do so very, very carefully... because people are judgemental and sometimes mis-informed. They may let their lack of knowledge on the subject - get in the way of really looking at the situation. And at this age - mid-teens - every non-supportive words on this situation can cut deep and last for a very, very long time....

And... it takes very specialized training to help... in a situation such as this.

I agree the drinking thing is ,, really here nor there , >>>>It was brought up in beginning ..

But I have to question ... Is this teen drinking also and this is the attraction ,,, IDK .

Sabby ,, Do you know more at this point that you could share ,,, It would maybe help your friend to know that Drinking is a saftey thing when young ,,,....

Know Your True Friends .!!!!!

(((((((((((( pita freewill and WMD ))))))))))))))

Thank you for your responses!

As far as more information being posted goes, I will have to speak with my friend and ask her if she feels comfortable with me telling anything more. I cannot and will not put more out here than she is comfortable with at this time. I feel she deserves to have the right to decide that

Thank you all very much for your concern and input. If I get approval for more info, I'll update this thread.


sabby

I'm late on this but I want to answer as I'm a male in my thirties and I live in the U.S.

Every guy my age knows that they cannot, under any circumstances, get sexually involved with a minor. I don't care if you're drunk and she's doing a strip tease, you CANNOT TOUCH HER! End of story. This guy knew it because we all know it and since he went ahead anyway, he's a serious risk of offending again (except next time may be worse).

This was sexual abuse of a minor by an adult both legally and conceptually.

What to do next is up to your friend but I would strongly recommend getting away from this guy, pressing charges (if for no other reason than to get this incident on record), and getting some therapy to help deal with lingering feelings from the incident.

Cyran0

And what you have to be carefull of is the young girl feeling sorry for him cos he is so nice to her and after all he 'was drunk' you know and didnt mean it (sarcastic)....

The only time I never remember what I was doing when drunk was when I was incapable to move let alone make a move on somone !

No excuse he KNEW what he was doing and was HIDING behind the drink.

((((((((((( Cyran0 ))))))))))) Thank you for your male point of view (WMD too!) It's much appreciated!

I'm passing along the info ... she has a lot to take in and figure out.


sabby

((((((((((((( tishie ))))))))))))) You make a wonderful and strong point there.....exactly!!

I would not be surprised if that was the case where he treats her especially well right now.....hopefully to keep her quiet. *sigh*


sabby

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
1. Is this sexual abuse?

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She was ABSOLUTELY exploited by the older man! I believe that, yes, this is abuse!

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If she didn't try to stop him, is it her fault or is she guilty for not trying to stop him?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

NO! She is not guilty at all. She has been exploited. Maybe she was sexually aroused also? NOT GUILTY. She has been exploited!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
3. Did he take adavantage of her?

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One Hundred Percent YES!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
4. What role does fear play on her part?

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I don't know. Was she afraid? Or was she flattered by the attention? Teenagers tend to have a poor self image at times and are easy prey for others. There is nothing "on her part". She was exploited, abused. Even if she was sexually aroused during the act, that means nothing!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
5. If she decides that indeed this was abuse, where could she turn to for help in telling her story and finding support?

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She could talk to a person that she trusts, a parent, an aunt, a pastor, a teacher, the guidance teacher at school, etc.

I hope she finds the help that she needs NOW! This happened to me, I am 37, and I still am feeling the effects of what happened because it wasn't dealt with then. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME! Please keep me posted.

(((((((((( Soliaree ))))))))))))

Thank you very much for your responses!


sabby

I would imagine he is treating her very nicely now. Even in physical abuse situations between husband/wife there is something called the honeymoon phase. It occurs after an assult happens. He is REALLY sweet to the woman for a while. All loving, does the dishes, buys flowers, etc. He's the perfect guy. He is sort of "courting" her.

She WANTS him to be that guy, and she doesn't want to remember what happened. She wants to be loved again. Who doesn't? So she let's herself forget and falls into the fantasy he has built that everything is OK.

But the truth is...he has set things in place for the cycle to continue. For the next time to occur, because he has learned that he can get away with it.

Also please consider that if he leaves you alone, the next child might be even younger than you. This man needs help to stop before he gets sicker.

Please oh please reach out at school and talk to someone.

Campy

regardless of anything else, she is a minor and it is sexual abuse. period.