remembering pieces

the piece i am remembering... i was 12 i think. you know, i think i've posted this before. i don't want to repeat myself. and yet this is surfacing right now. ok; here's the skinny.
-my friend and i were drugged by the guy's 8 yr old girl we were friends with (who was always drugged and abused - i found out later)
-thought it was candy (pixi dust) so took it
-she led us to his upstairs apt.
-he laid her on floor and he **** and had me and my friend watch; me standing at her feet, my friend standing at her head where he told us to stand and physically made us go there to those spots
-then he had my friend lay on the floor and he ***** while i watched - i don't know what his daughter and son were doing during that time, i can't see them in my memories
-then had me lay on the floor and he *****.

so i've been getting really shakey tonight and feeling like i might self injure to stop the fear and memories. i'm hoping posting will take the poison out of me for the night.

Oh kiya,, im so sorry you are feeling so shakey, I just saw this. if i didint work a zillion hours in a day i would be on here helping you like you do for me on so many occasions.

will be checking in on you tonite. hoping you did well last night.

colleen

((kiya))
I felt a shiver run up my spine just reading your post. I hope you were able to shake these memories and settle yourself without injury.

Kiya, those memories hurt, I know. Please do your best to keep yourself safe and try not to hurt yourself.

(((Kiya)))

Cyran0

*sigh*
Thank you all
(((((((( colleen, mckell, cyrano ))))))))
yes, i got through last night. things have been a bit unstable and i feel like a truly wretched human being. but my moods and mindsets change like a new york minute.
Appreciate everyone's caring.

Kiya, I just read your tale and felt sick. (((((((Kiya)))))))

I hope you can get help healing this little girl and her horrible trauma.

((((((((((sunrise))))))))))))))

you know - a bit of possible comprehension... that time that i wrote about was the last that had happened... and prior to that most had been from my dad. I wonder if this event helped seal it all away from my mind and make me react to my family as if they were not the perps.

does this make sense? it started with my family as a baby (yes, all members) and as i grew, the actual incest didn't start until (kind of unclear) 6 or 8 and continued through 11. In there, there were some other events but not that *specific* thing ; by a teacher, a friend's dad.... but then this one i wrote about at 12 which was ....well, different than all the others, and the last one. i wonder if that allowed my mind to lock it ALL away as not real or not by my family.
I wonder if that one hadn't happened how i would have precieved my family and if things might have been different.
kiya

another memory - not really new, but more of getting it out rather than just my guesses. my little one (internally) wrote it out. Been having a super hard day - some SI and a lot of modd swings and crying. Feeling really close to some serious injury. Did not call t - trying to get through alone.
So, someone in another forum said write it out, fill a page... so i tried it. and i started writing everything i just typed - then the pen was taken from my hand and my little scrawled out what's been bugging her.


TRIGGER

that the dad's hands were like spiders and he told her they were spiders and to let them crawl all over her and into the cave and she had to lie real still and not make any sounds. she drew the picture and it's real scary - the dad and his spider hands and spiders on the wall (we remember having that nightmare with the spiders on the wall and screaming out becuz they were real) and there is the little 4 poster bed with the kid in it terrified.

then she wanted a gold star sticker on her hand.

we still real scared of them spiders.

kiya... i am sorry they did those things to you... you were an inocent little girl... you didn't have the control....let me know if i can help...lyn

not inocent no more. not since a long time ago. not no more.
kiya don't want you to feel bad k cuz she don't feel bad. she says don't be sorry cuz it's ok.
i do the feelin bad for us

Oh my, I pity the people that can actually do such horrible things to people. Its a sad thing, but it happens in this world. I wish it didn't. I don't think anyone deserves to get mentally and physically abused like that. I envy your strength to go through life with such haunting memories.

one i haven't really allowed myself to look at yet.... i know it's there... it's been there for a bit....
my mom went out of town for 6 weekd leaving me with him. we had a
we had one
bathroom
with 2 doors - one to the hall
one to their room
i'd have to shower
i'd get taken into his room
6 weeks
his mom was there - she knew. she did nothing.
i hate her.
i cried a lot i guess - mom told me when she called he'd tell her "talk to your daughter, she won't stop crying". i don't remember it. later i forgot - about the trip, about the length of time. it all came crashing own.

kiya.... i am so sorry that you were left in such an awful situation... and no one protected you... when those memories come up... try and remember that you are not a little girl anymore... that you are safe and he can't hurt you anymore... i know how hard that is... lyn

yeah i know.... i'm not even in the same State any more...
when those things come back, i lose the curent reality. it all just goes away and i dunno where i am.

((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))