[StarPonysMama]

I don't have any children and did not suffer physical or neglective abuse from my family so I'm looking for some opinion's here. My boyfriend and I are just a little concerned about his daughter's actions.....here recently.

My boyfriend has two children, a girl 8 years old (kelsey) and a boy 10 years old (justin). They have an older sister 14 by a different father.

Last Thursday it was "take your child to work day". At the time her mother was supposed to come pick her up she clung to her dad and started crying and did not want to go with her mother and brother. She told her dad that she wanted to come live with him. Her dad asked her, "But, don't you think your mom would miss you?" And she said, No. In the meantime, the mother and brother are calling her a whining little baby and picking on her about crying. Of course immediately her dad jumped in and told them to stop and not to treat her that way. But what we wander is - if they do that in front of someone else, my god, what goes on at home? (Mind you this child is not a whiny kid - she is very strong and independent and highly intelligent.) We just found it kind of out of character for her personality.

Later that evening she was at home and called her dad and said she needed help with her science project and her mom was in the bed. (this was at 7:00 pm). After she talked to her dad, I suppose her mother got up and helped her. Fine. Science project done.

Then, this was his weekend to have them. Saturday morning I was at his store doing the bookkeeping and she came in the office and complained to me about her shoulder hurting. When I went to touch it she jumped back so apparently it was a true pain. There was a small bruise next to her collar bone. Later that evening her dad asked me to check it out. Now here's what freaked us out. When He asked me to look at it, I told him I had and had noticed a small round bruise. When we asked her how it happened, she immediately hung her head and started shrugging her shoulders and started tearing up and couldn't give us a clear answer as to how it happened. She ensued to get very upset and put her head down on the counter. It was just strange. Maybe nothing but, strange.

Her dad continued to ask her about the shoulder next day. He asked her when it started hurting and she said Saturday morning. So we think she may have bruised it on the trampoline Friday night and she honestly could not remember how she did it. That's what we hope anyway. Her reaction was just strange to us. Not like her. She a very vibrant, happy go lucky, resilient child.

So...............they go back to their mother's house last night.

She calls her dad this morning and says her back hurts. He asked her if she told her mom and she said yes. She said her mom told her "Oh, you'll be alright just go on to school.". So her dad asked her if she could find some children's tylenol. She said she looked and couldn't find any. So, he's calling the school to see if she can go to the nurse's office and get some so she does not have a crappy day at school. I haven't got all of the details of their conversation on this one yet but, I am interested to hear WHY her back hurts all of a sudden. In my gut, I just don't think she's making it up BUT-

There is a twist - Kelsey is the youngest child of her mother and father. She is my boyfriends last. Her mother is just recently pregnant with a fourth child by another different father that her mother only married about 6 months ago. She only knew the guy a year before she married him. The only thing I can think of is, possibly she is scared because she will no longer be the "baby".

I'm not sure, I have no children so I'm kinda putting this out there to get some insight. My mom was an abused child and tends to think the not wanting to go with her mother and brother was odd. In the 2 years this arrangement has been going she has NEVER done that. She's always just been go with the flow. There are times when she did not want to go home but not to that extent. Not that extreme. Her dad said she would not let go and that her brother and mother were picking at her for being a whiny baby. I think that's kind of cruel. And also my mom feels she's hiding something with her head and upset at us asking how she hurt her shoulder.

Just thoughts. Just precaution. Please let me know your thoughts. We will take ANY advice or insight.

[pachyderm]

Advice? I don't think I know enough. It seems to me like something that bears continued attention and watching.

[StarPonysMama]

Meant to add: Sorry. The children's mother is a survivor of mental, emotional, and physical abuse. We also have speculated that she may have suffered some sexual abuse as well.

Her father was an alcoholic. She found out in her late teens that in fact he was not her biological father.

At the time she split with the children's father she admitted she needed to see a therapist but never followed through.

Thought that may help with anyone's opinions or advice.

[Perna]

Like Pachyderm says, there's not enough information for an outsider to make much of a comment. I would maybe have her father make an appointment to see her teacher, discuss his concerns with her (preferably off the record) so there would be an extra eye during the day, another adult the child might/could confide in if need be.

But if she's not saying, asking and supposing too pointed a questions is only "leading" and that's not good. Since it's her father asking and she has a good relationship with him, were I the child I would not have a whole lot of difficulty telling on my brother if he were being mean to me.

A backache after shoulder problems that you think/hope were caused on the trampoline sounds consistent enough for trampoline and I can't think of how a backache would be caused by abuse; I was physically abused and don't ever recall a backache. I could see having one's shoulder "grabbed" and that wrenching one's back but still, a single little round bruise doesn't seem consistent with that level of grabbing and pain. I don't know, maybe she's been complaining about aches and pains to her mother and getting the ridicule so when you all asked, she was afraid of more ridicule or feels bad about needing comforting or something.

It sounds complicated and might be harder for her to express herself about than her age enables her to, also. But I think it's all speculation until you get more information.

[bchlyn]

you have to be really careful when you ask her questions about what is going on... but make sure that she knows that you are safe to talk too... i know with my boys i had them in therapy to help them deal with the divorce and it was a really positive thing... a t would know how to ask the questions.
sometimes kids do cry when they are separating from the other parent... that isn't necessarily a sign of abuse... just a red flag at this point... i agree with perna and pach... there isn't enough to call it abuse... but i would keep tabs on things... i work with at risk families and children... and what i tell my teachers is to keep notes... a date book works really well... lyn

[dalila]

<font color="green">I think I would have the child's doctor exam her. It could be nothing but.... For me, I wouldn't tell even when the welts were from my shoulders to my ankles.

While she could have done the injury on the trampoline, a blow on the top of the head can cause a back ache and not show any thing else.</font>

[StarPonysMama]

Thank you all for the advice.

Her dad is calling the school counselor to talk to her. At this point we are kind of using the mother being pregnant and all the changes in the past two years as kind of a starting point. See if counselor (someone outside the immediate family) can get her to open up a little. I think it could just be a possible coping mechanism to deal with all the changes.

I personally worry more about neglect and maybe a little emotional abuse rather than physical abuse. And certainly not from her brother. She is almost as big as her brother and we have seen her defend herself. She has no problem with that.

Right now just sitting back and keeping tabs. I started a journal on my home computer just to keep track and I think it also helps watch for patterns.

As for the back ache. No more complaints from that. So....we will see.

[happysappy]

I think it would have been a good idea to have taken her to the doctor when she was in this much pain, the doctor will know what to ask and what to look for. She could also be looking for some attention too, since she is no longer the baby, especially at the age.

Another thing to keep in mind, just because someone has been abused as a child, does not mean they are abusers when they grow up, in fact more aren't than are.

And keep in mind this child could be "playing " you all, one way to get attention is through negative actions and anything that will put one parent against another.

I have 3 step kids who are adults now, but when the oldest was 13, she made up a whole bunch of stuff that was happening on the weekend when she was with us, and instead of her mother asking us about it, she would just get on the phone and yell at my DH for stuff he never did.

I also had a daycare and child at the age are prone to make up stuff, I had one child (8) who was in my daycare because her nanny she had for years, died. So she would go home and tell her mom that I wasn't feeding her lunch and stuff. They are old enough to know what to say sometimes to cause trouble. But you also need to always be careful when a child is hurt, it could even be her brother she is fighting with, or a neighborhood kid, or someone at school.
As far as not wanting to go home, when she is with you both, do you have a lot of fun and plan things around her? My DH was "disney dad" at first, until the kids expected that dad revolved around only them. Having step kids and kids in broken marriages, are tough , no doubt. Keep your eyes open and if she complains like that when she is with you, don't hesitate to get her checked out. Good luck

[youOme]

There's no obvious answer, you have to further investigate and continually tell her that if she ever needed to talk that she could come to you or her father.

I think that the daughter is so lucky to have her dad and you. She has someone looking out for her, i personally would carry on watching and be gentle when you talk to her about anything .... it may be attention but from the little i've heard about her it doesn't seem like she's the attention seeking kind? Good luck and please keep us posted, i would be worried too ....

Jinnyann xoxoxoxoxoxo

[AAAAA]

Hopefully that’s all it is, if mom’s pregnant, and she’s not the baby anymore, she may be feeling her nose cut off, especially if it’s later in mom’s pregnancy and they’re getting the baby’s room ready.

As for the injuries, I’ve got one kid that could hurt himself with a cotton ball I swear. She may have hurt herself doing something that she knew she shouldn't be doing. With kids the explanations are endless. I hope that it's all just one of those things that kids go through.

[nutnschool]

Dear StarPonysMama,
I'm a psychology student and it seems to me that your stepdaughter should see a mental health care professional specialized in children. It's not normal for a child not want to tell how she hurt a part of her body. If she hurt her colarbone on the trampoline, she would've known and told you right away.
At some point, you expressed concern about "a little emotional abuse" rather than physical abuse. There's no such a thing as a LITTLE emotional abuse. There is only abuse. It's not up to one person to judge another's pain. What is little for me might me a lot for you, and vice versa.
I was physically and emotionally abused. I know what it's like to be hurt. Trust me, it hurts forever. If your stepdaughter (or any other child) is being emotionally abused, it is just as serious and painful as if she is being physically abused.
You promptly noticed how her mother and older brother were being nasty, calling her a whiny baby when she didn't want to go with them. If any kid at the playground treated her like that, it would have been considered bullying, teasing, and provoking. I can assure you that kind of criticism is way worse and more hurtful coming from a parent or an older sibling, who are some of the people children ideally rely on for support. Her mother is stupid and mean, to say the least.
Please, take good care of your stepchildren's emotional wellbeing. They will be forever grateful to you.
Best regards,
Nut