possible child abuse ?

well i'm afraid to know if i was raped as a baby here is the story but when i was like 1 or 2 my grandmother took me with her to peru for 6 months while my mother took care of my new born sister i never understood why my parents would allow that but they did anyhow yesterday i discovered some more clues to my thought of being raped here it is i told my dad that i thought i was raped because when i was 15 i had my first gyno appt and the doc said my hymen was really messed up i thought how odd it should not be like that because i'm a virgen but i told her and she said listen ur mom is not in the room u can tell me if u have sex i need to know i said i'm honest she said what u do in ur spare time is none of my bussines after that i put it in the back of my mind because i said maybe i broke my hymen on a see saw as a kid i dunno i just thought it was no big deal well 6 yrs ago my gma and uncle and my mom were in a car with we were going somewhere well my mom was talking about going to peru for vaca my uncle said aww please don't go and come back saying ur daughter was raped again i was stunned to hear that because my uncle is mentally handicapped so when he speaks it usally the truth i asked i said what is he talking about i remember my gma shutting him up my mom said aww u know ur uncle ignore him but it stayed in my mind till now well talking to my dad about it he said we will get the records from ur old gyno and see what she said io was like ok then my dad said wait a minute he called my mom in the romm and said to her remember when steph was in peru with her gma she had been sick there what did she have well my gma told them i had a urinary tract infection i would not pee my dad then said what if that was a lie and she was raped by someone and then ur gma wants to cover it i was scared because i have always been great kid and never been abused my sis once but not me so that scared me then my dad said and if u were raped young that may be why u developed anxiety disorder now i feel compelled to find out the truth but i' not to sure i want to know it may break my heart !

(((lavender))) I can't relate myself, I was always aware of the abuse that happened to me. My daughter is in your position though. She didn't find out until her late teens that her father had molested her when she was a toddler. It only came to light because he did it again when she was a teenager, and she woke up and caught him doing it.

This is a really rough place to be. Fortunately she has a lot of support. I would suggest you work on yourself in the present, at least for now. If you don't want to explore the details of what specifically happened to you, at least not yet, then just work on how to handle the present day anxiety.

I wish you well.

lavender,
i understand the need to know and the fear of knowing. Trust that this will all come out in the right time for you to be able to process it. Remember, we're here for you too.
Kiya

Something obviously happened that is why gma was shushing it. Im so sorry.

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LovebirdsFlying said:
I would suggest you work on yourself in the present, at least for now. If you don't want to explore the details of what specifically happened to you, at least not yet, then just work on how to handle the present day anxiety.

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(((((lavendersteph))))), I think that this is really good advice. If you have issues that you can work on now then try and get to a better place with these, then when you are ready to explore these earlier times you will be stronger and better equiped to cope with whatever the truth may be. Because you were so young it is unlikely that you will have any memory of it (do you remember any part of the trip at all?), and that may prove to be very frustrating for you. This will probably dwell in your mind until you do begin to explore it, so hopefully you have a t you can talk to. Take care.

thats why it is so frustrating i can not remember anything it makes me feel paranoid with males in my fam like i have my gm's bro who for the oddest reason i can't explain since i was young i never trusted him he just gave me a bad vibe same with my gma's son my mentally handicapped uncle when i was 13 my parents sent me and my sib to jersey to visit them when my uncle would want to take my 3 yr at the time bro to the store i would object i dunno i felt the urge to protect him from my uncle i dunno why but my heart kept telling me to be watchfull with my baby bro

I just wanted to say, that TONS of things can cause your hymen to be broken or even "messed up" like that, so that doesn't necesarrily mean that for sure something happened.

But, I think if this is something you have a suspicion about, then certainly you want to look into it. And if it does turn out that this is the case, then you CAN heal from it, and although you can never go back in time and make it not have happened, you can get through it.

Many hugs to you hun.

i know that i just feel like my fam holds many secret which i know about by mistake and just the possibilty of thier maybe being a secret about me makes me feel ill i hate secrets my fam at least my mom's side is like watching a soap opera

((((((((((( lavender ))))))))))))

its frustrating that you were so young that you cannot remember that far along.

yea now i just am going to put all this in the back of my mind and focus on my recovery today i finally got my meds yay i'm so excited to have my life back even if the process takes a while