Oh crap! child abuse/jail/death question

I had talked to the counselor from Harbor House on Friday and she was saying that in order to get across to my kids that their dad's physical or emotional abuse doesn't have to be accepted, I need to just talk with my kids at the dinner table or wherever, letting things slowly evolve in the conversation.

Well, we're out eating Chinese yesterday and SOMEHOW we get talking about a couple of serial killers from our state, and one in particular who was killed in jail because he had molested and killed several young people. The kids asked why child abusers usually get killed. I said it's because even among criminals, people who hurt children are THE worst kind of criminal there is. And the reason a lot of abusers will kill their victims is so they can't be identified and sent to jail.

Well, here's the OH CRAP part. Their dad has told them in the past that if they ever tell people that he hits them, he will go to jail. I think I might have just set my kids up to be even MORE afraid to tell now because they might think that he'd get killed in the county jail during a temporary hold. How do I go "Oh yeah, kids, when I was talking about child molesters getting killed in jail, that's only once they've been convicted, not just when things are getting investigated." The original conversation is long over. It would be kind of awkward to just mention it out of the blue.

The last time I know of that he told them not to tell, he had taken a belt a hit my daughter on the back and left a slight bruise. Sot there was proof of what he had done and that WAS worth reporting. He's under the impression that they tell people he's hitting them when he's not and trying to put some kind of fear into them. My daughter said she just shot back at him something about "then don't hit us if you don't want to go to jail." She's gets her feistiness from me and isn't afraid to speak her mind sometimes, thank god. I'm hoping that by getting us involved in Harbor House they'll find out that it's never OK to be made to feel bad through a belt or words, even if the parent you're supposed to love and not say bad things about is the one doing it.

wi, again i want to applaud you. however, i have to bring up an earlier point. i strongly think the kids should get some therapy...someone they can trust who's all their own and then later a fighter on their behalves. it would help in so many ways...but allow these children to try to understand and place what's going on and keeping them safe would be the best right now. tjey could be a strong advocate with the courts.

be safe and great job!

kd

Wi, It sounds like you are doing what you can for your kids but I do have to agree with kd. I would really urge you to get counseling for the kids. Some how some way. Then perhaps you and the T could explain the situation together to them.

I hope you and yours stay safe.

take care

Hi wi ...i'm really glad to hear you are going talking to the counselor at the Harbor House.

At the Harbor House ...do they offer help to kids in families that have suffered through emotional, physical abuse?

I know here that was offered at the one I had told you about. Maybe check that out there.

That would be a really important step for your kids to get.

Let me know when you can how it's going with the Harbor House ...I'd like to know.

I'd like to know if your going to group etc.

Please take care.

Eva

Thanks everyone, KD, Place, Eva.

Yes, HH offers counseling for free. You can attend groups and they also offer individual (and I'm assuming family) sessions - whatever you're most comfortable with.

My kids have commented that I need to socialize and make friends, so I'm going to use this as an opportunity to get us out to meet some new people, rather than telling them this is a place to talk about our f'ed up home lives. If I tell them the main reason HH exists, they might balk at going. I want them to feel comfortable there, not like we're going to walk in there and they're going to immediately start talking about our problems.

POSSIBLE TRIGGER - my daughter brought up that she can't believe the court wouldn't make my ex adhere to the "no physical punishment" rule I requested. She then said that he tried to convince her a few days after he hit her that what happened was she was putting on her backpack and bumped into the table and THAT'S how she got the bruise on her back. OK, her calling me up crying and hyperventilating, and then him telling me she deserved it and admitted he hit her just VANISHED from his mind or what? And we're the ones who are delusional? :bang_head:

Always keep a camera ready if needed for proof

good suggestion, nothe...also, next time...straight to police station or hosp for pictures and investigations...

they will know how to speak to daughter about it.

WTG, wi! harbor house sounds wonderful! what a blessing for you and yours.

be safe!

kd

mama, I did take pictures. My daughter says she missed the bus to her dad's, so she walked here after school the next day. She was afraid to go back to his place.

She told me this morning that he said she got the bruise because the morning after he hit her she bent down next to the table and when she stood up she hit her back. It COULD be a possible explanation for the shape of the mark. Who knows

Has he ever hit you in the past, also the main reason I'm so vocal on this is because our Sunday paper today did a report on a mother beating her daughter last May the girl died last mothers day she had 200 new and old brusies all totaled
Angie

Hit a table my *****. There is NEVER an excuse to hit a child with a belt or any other object. He should be...well I will not say it but use your imagination.

I see your point with the counseling. I think you are having a sound thought process with this. Please keep you and the kids safe as you can.

I am going to bow out now for self safety (too close to home) but just wanted to offer support.

place

.... I think this thread is a perfect example of why we MUST pay attention to the Post Icon <<<< over on the left. It began with the trigger icon, as appropriate... but as others posted (which posts might not have contained anything triggering) the thread lost it's Trigger Icon.

This is a volatile subject, and even though it's already in the Abuse Forum, it needs the warning. IMO. Let's work at REMEMBERING all we need to do when making a post, ok?

sky, the very first post is labeled as triggering. the reader knows that and sees the potential trigger.

i think it is a proper use of icons. i understand the potential trigger. however, it was made know that this is a potentially triggering subject with the first thread. if someone else were to post something in addition with another trigger, then it would be appropriate to place yet another icon on their thread...which one or two of could possibly have used.

thanks!

kd

UM excuse me. Unless you come into the thread from the index and into the very first post, YOU DO NOT SEE A TRIGGER ICON. If you come in on a different post and then read back, you are already involved and noting the trigger icon at the first might be too late to not enter the thread, ya think?

Please don't shoot the messenger unless you're a good shot.

sky, i'm sorry you took offense to my post. it was not my intent to offend. i agree with what you said, and think that i addressed it in my first post.

"if someone else were to post something in addition with another trigger, then it would be appropriate to place yet another icon on their thread...which one or two of could possibly have used. "

thanks again for caring about our safety.

kd

I'm sorry I don't fully understand the ins and outs of the forums yet. Maybe I should just mark every post I make with a trigger. Seems everything I say in here is capable of setting off someone.

((((fighter))) you did the right thing with your original icon, hon.

wi_fighter,

You're doing just fine. These forums are large and allow each member to change the settings of how they view the boards. Some people enter through their "my home" page, others enter through the main forums page, still others list categories instead of forums (all these options are available in My Profile link up top). Depending on which area you enter the forum from and how you go about reading it can affect which icons are seen first by different members.

So some members see links to this thread not from the Survivors of Abuse forum but instead from the last 24 hours list or from their e-mail forum updates or some other method.

All we can do is our best to use the trigger icon if the material is graphic based on the community guidelines. Everyone has their own triggers and we cannot be responsible for protecting everyone. We do our best and try to treat others as we would like ourselves to be treated here. Some will be triggered no matter how many icons or warnings there are. That is their deal. I've found your use of the trigger icon to be adequate and appropriate. Thanks for being considerate enough to use it at all! I really do appreciate that as it shows you care enough about others to warn them of potentially disturbing content.

Anyone with concerns regarding use of trigger icons please PM a moderator of that forum for further discussion.

Thanks for posting in here and sharing this difficult story with us. You're doing fine as you are.

Thanks again for posting and for continuing the dialogue.
kindly,

((((((((((((((((( wi ))))))))))))))))))))) you're so fine here i knew you're new and i put the icon on the original post for you i had that done for me several times when i first came here. it can still happen on me if i'm in a triggered state and the last thing on my mind is the icon.

that's what mods are for you're doing great. i think you're a strong, intelligent woman.

be safe,

kd

Mama, no, he never laid a hand on me. I think he knew better than to hit an adult who could go after him full force. It got to the point where I wished he'd hit me so I could go to the cops with some PHYSICAL evidence of his abuse. I think I even provoked him towards the end, it was that important for me to have proof, no matter how painful the proof would have been to get. Sick, isn't it?

I'm making strides to deal with the past and move ahead with my life, and to ensure that the kids know how to deal with him in a healthy way and not be afraid to alert someone to whatever abuse he sends their way, emotional or physical. However, in the course of dealing with it, I know a lot of pains are going to be resurrected that I thought I'd gotten over, but are most likely just buried. That's why I'm here. I'm going to need reassurance that this temporary pain is going to be worth it in the long run, because this is pain with a GOOD purpose.

Thanks KD. (((((((((((kimmydawn)))))))))

Way to go girl, you are so awesome
Angie

((((((angie))))) Thanks.