[Ozze]

I've got some reservations about putting this post up but it might help me get some understanding and support for what's happening, especially for those who post in the anxiety forum.
I was sexually assualted when I was 15. It was a pretty bad experience, something I wouldn't ever want to go through again. I was so sure that I had completely gotten over it but lately some ugly feelings have been dug up from the past. I have obsessive compulsive disorder, where I excessively worry that I will molest children or commit vioent acts. These thoughts scare me a lot and I'm not interested in acting on them but for some strange reason, despite me not wanting to do them I feel as though I've got no choice. What I was thinking about the other day is that maybe the ocd is a run off from the assualt? What do you all think? I can't tell myself. I have no idea how much or how little an effect it's had on my life. The whole period of time after it seems sort of blurry.
I saw a counsellor today about sexual assualt. I told her that I was absolutely terrified that I was going to become an offender myself and she told me that she couldn't guarantee me that I was not going to become one. So now I've taken that the complete wrong way and I see it as that I will definitely end up a paedophile. I've spent most of this afternoon in complete panic and desperation mode. I don't know what to do. I was walking home after our session and I saw two boys walking along the rode. I had to cross the road because I was so scared that I was going to attack them. This is horrible. I want to feel safe around children but instead I feel like I'm a threat. Any thoughts?

[SweetCrusader]

First of all!! ((((((safe hugs)))))) <-- if you want them.
What you went through was terrible! and i really feel for you.

Second, your fears are understandable. And yes i DEFINITELY think that they could have stemmed from the sexual assault you endured. I could be way-off base here, but what I'm seeing in your words is a sense of a lack of control over what happens to you and what you do. That could be what's underlying your fears maybe. And it would not be a surprising effect, given that your control was taken away from you when you were sexually assualted. Not sure if this is what's going on with you or not. Only you can know for sure. What do you think?

I do have some good news! Not to get all official and technical (lol), but I'm a psych major studying abuse & neglect. I've seen the data on this stuff and it shows that (1) yes, those who abuse have almost always been victims in the past BUT!!!! (2)*****MOST people who have been abused (and this is true for ALL forms of abuse, do NOT go on to abuse children. MOST DO NOT*********.

Please remember that YOU are in charge of your body and your actions and you do NOT have to do anything you don't want to. You are not destined to become a pedophile. You aren't. You have the choice, ALWAYS. I think the fact that you are so concerned about it is a sign that you are NOT the kind of person who would do this to a child. Nobody can guarantee you that you won't do this- nobody but YOU. You can guarantee yourself. You can committ to not doing it and never turn back from that committment.

The way that you can guarantee to yourself that you will never do this is to face up to the pain you still hold inside of you. The feelings are terrifying, I know, but in order to heal, you have to work through them. You need to deal with the sense of having no safety, having been violated, having no power over what happened to you, and being hurt. When you have dealt with your own deepest feelings about this, you will be MUCH less likely to ever want to inflict those terrible feelings on another human being. I think that is an essential part of the cycle of violence. Violence continues when we don't deal with the pain that was put on us. Instead, we pass it on to others in an effort to avoid dealing with it ourselves. But that doesn't make it go away. It only creates more pain.

I hope this made sense. If not, reply with questions!

((((more hugs for you))))) I genuinely feel for you, and hope this therapist you are seeing can help you out. If she doesn't, please find another one. You need a therapist who knows what they're doing and can help you sort things out, ok?

Best wishes,
Angela

[wisewoman]

Ozze, your fears are real and caused by your own anxiety about your abuse. No surprises. I would have guessed you were molested. My daughter was also and it led her to wanting to be super clean and a sexual. It is hard to sort out the ocd from other stuff. But talk about it. You are not going to molest kids. You are going to take control and beat this demon. You are doing well.