I give up- I hate myself- I hate living

Just wanted to let u all know that it did not go well at this so called doctors office. I wont get into all of it but put it this way; I told him that I think about death everyday; in the end he said, "if you want to see me again, just make an appointment". So there u go. I had enough. I am done. No more doctors.
I want u all to know how much I appreciate u and thank you for listening to me be a baby. Things are the way they are; so thats, that.
Please take care.
itsjustme

Don't give up on yourself. If you can't stand this guy, find someone else. But see someone about this! You are too important to just be abandoned like this. No one deserves to suffer at the hands of this cruel disease alone.

I know what it is to court death like a lover. I don't want to see it to happen to anyone else whose life I have touched. Please see someone. I care what happens to you.

HUGS

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

I absolutely agree with Hamstergirl, It'sME, (not going to inclued the 'just' because you're more to us than 'just' you!

Sending you positive energy, and I'm sorry that that Doctor was a dunderhead, (to put it mildly).

Warmest regards, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

I so relate to the pain of seeing a so called "doctor" who behaves like and resembles nothing as much as an a%^&$ole I am sorry you have had that experience But please try to hang in there, and keep talking to us, unlike some "doctors", we do care! I hope you find an adequate doctor who actually wants to help you soon. You deserve good help, we all do! ((((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((((((((((just)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am thinking of you. I have been to pdoc like this one you went to. There are good ones out there, they are just harder to find. Try looking on line.

Love,
Leslie

I can't recall how it is with this doctor... if you don't like him specifically or in general. It sounds to me like he is allowing you the choice to come back and work with him... that's good.

That you think of death daily is your depression showing... you know that. HE knows that... and if he had told you anything you probably would have tried to argue with him, in a way, right?

Make an appointment... if not with him, someone.

What I'm thinking is that the doctor left the decision completeley up to you. After all, it is Your decision. Maybe it was a little test to see just how badly you want to get better. If you want to get better bad enough, who knows, he just might commit to helping you. I'd sure give it a try since I've always wanted to get better and live the life I was given the best way possible.




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

I see what u are saying but he was not very nice. He said that I was exaggertaing the whole court issue. How can he say that when he has not been in this mess for over two years. When I talked to my t today she felt bad. She said they have a tendency of dealing with court issues with the wrong approach. She was so mad because she had been to almost all of my court hearings and seen all of the documents. She also has spoke to the womens shelter in the city where i used to live and got the run down from them. She has seen the documents from them and the police report when my ex beat me into our wall. My head left a big hole. My t assists women when they go through these things. She knows the legal end inside and out. An example of the justice system; I meant a lovely lady and her son while the kids and I stayed at the womens shelter here in red deer. We became close and I adored her son. I have a picture of us and keep it close by at all times. Her ex managed to get in the first set of doors at the shelter one night. He grabbed one of the clients that were trying to get in. He threatened that if they did not let him in; he would kill this lady. Of course the police were phoned and they took him away. But they released him. He was constantly hanging around the shelter and threatening her life as well as their son. About six months later; he got into their home; shot my friend, then their son; and killed himself. After all of the bull he put them through; the police and this so called system; failed to protect them; now they are dead. I still see that little boys face in my mind; I miss them. So when people say that the doc left it up to me; no he failed to listen to my fears. This does happen everyday and these so called professionals need to clue in. He asked me if I think about ending my life; I told him everyday of my existence. I told him that I am trying to destroy myself with my eating disorder and these pills I take. He listened; I told him I need help; I told him that I am willing to get help; when my kids are with dad again. He simply looked at me and said; well make an appointment with me if u like, I don't know when u can get in though. So u tell me; was that not a cry for help; is this justice? Do my kids have to continue to live this way. This is why I am agreeing to let their dad have them. I am tired of this fight and my plee for help. Dont get me wrong, I am not angry at any of the replies from all of you; its opposite of that. I wish I could show all of u the documents I have and u may see what has all happened. I don't want pity and I am not trying to feel sorry for myself. Its my kids that I feel bad for. Me, who cares.....dont want to be here anyway. Maybe then; they could move on. Please excuse my spelling today, my thought process sucks right now. The doors are all closed and i cant get in.
Yes......itsjustme

itsjustme... this definitely just seems like the wrong doctor... a bad doctor if I should say so, maybe he forgot that he got into the business to help people.

Don't give up hope, keep looking for the right doc. It is good that your T is understanding and helpful. Maybe she can help you find a doctor?

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--http://www.idexter.com

Thank you for your compassion and understanding. My t is phoning my family doctor on Monday; after I sign a release form for her to be able to do so. I have signed them before for her to talk to anyone involved in my court issues and my illness. She said she will be very "point blank"; and make him realize that YES this is reality and this is what has happened.
But I am having a real crappy day. My boyfriend and I just got into a huge fight. I told him that we are done. I told him to leave and go get some help. He broke down because I called him on all of his lies. He has been lying to me about bills,etc; well I can get the mail too. duh. I dont understand what he is doing with our money. Our bills are behind and he was cut off from all of his credit cards. Then he has been making fun of my depression. He has been saying cruel things and I can't take it. He says mean things, then goes and gets me flowers; like that will make me forget. Thats where the money is; lol. He says mean things on a daily basis. Then he treats my kids badly; lately anyway. I have told him that he can't step in while I am dealing with my kids; it confusing for them and they dont need another boss in their lives. We have only been together for just over a year. I have taken a few parenting courses and gone to speak with people who deal with separation and divorce. My boyfriend was also told by my t that he can not undermine me in front of my kids. I need to deal with these things. And I do; but he butts in. My kids are frustrated. Its a constant head banging between the two of us. I love him dearly but I can't help him right now. I can't even get things straight in my head. I even tried to get him into counseling; I looked into it for him and talked to him about it. He was happy. He said he wanted to go. But he doesnt. He has some major issues that I feel he needs to deal with; of course all of this stuff with custody and my ex effects him tremendously as well. Then we lost our baby not to long ago. He is teary all the time and I worry about him. I want him to be okay. He has never had any of his own kids. I feel like I screwed it up for him. I lost his chance at having a child of his own. The truth about our baby; I was having major complications; I almost lost my son because I have a bicornate uterus, which can cause problems. I was in my third month with this one and ended up at er many times. My doc said I was at risk; I could die if the problems worsened. It scared me because I had to think of my own kids that are here right now. He felt that I should have a DNC. So I did. I killed my baby. Oh God, I dont deserve to live. I destroyed my poor little baby. I keep seeing my babies heart beat in my mind. I should have risked the complications. I am such a terrible person. I am a killer. I deserve death. So why am I still here? God, please take me, or do I deserve God? Hell, thats what I deserve. Maybe the devil will come. Maybe I am the devil.

Do you all hate me because of what I did. Who could like a killer?
I am sorry. I am a killer.

Nobody here hates you! It is your depression making you feel the way you do and making you thing that people hate you.

I believe that you did the right thing with your pregnancy. Like you said you also have your other children to consider. You made the decision that was right for you. That is all we can ever do.

itsjustme when you feel this badly and desparate (it sounds from your last few posts like your mind has been racing with issues) I really urge you to get some immediate attention... try calling a hotline or having someone come over. Get in touch with your T if you can, and by calling a hotline, at least how it works when I have called, they can help just talking and they won't force you to go to the hospital if you don't want to. If you are worried about that then ask them when you call. Also consider if there comes a time when the hospital might be the right thing to do. Think about the possiblitily of your children losing you forever, wouldn't the hospital be a better solution?

{{{{{{{itsjustme11}}}}}}}}

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--http://www.idexter.com

Even hindsight is not 20/20 at times especially when you are depressed.

I am glad you had the strength to tell you bf to leave. I hope you can stick with it.

I don't hate you. You made what seemed the right decision at the time, and probably was. When we make decisions, especially with the help of a doctor (as in your case) we have to take their advice into account. So to now try and take the entire decision upon your shoulders again, as to whether YOU did right or not, well, that isn't possible.

I think what's important is that back then you had all the facts, and you knew then that it was what you had to do, for your life. That's what you need to remember. Maybe you might have both died if you hadn't but then again, that's second guessing.

Don't worry about any baby! Sweetheart, God has all the children.

My boyfriend came home. He went to see our family doctor and told him what happened. Our doc wants us to both come in at 1:00 tomorrow. I can't go, I am way to tired. I am sick of talking about all of this. I don't want to go there anymore. My boyfriend was finally honest about everything. He was afraid to tell me whats going on for him because he doesnt want to put more on my shoulders. He feels really bad and wants to get help; together. I am just so tired of going to these appointments and beating this into their heads.
(((dex))))); my thoughts are racing but I wont take my life while I have my kids here. Its okay. But thanks for the suggestion. I did that before; they called an ambulance without telling me and they dragged me 45mins out of town to a psychiatric facility. No thanks. I do agree with the hospital and I told my t that I will go; as soon as my kids are gone. just need to hold on till then. I dont know though, just keep thinking about my kids. But I cant get the thought out of my head; they are better off without me.
just.......

((((((((((((((((((((((((Just)))))))))))))))))))))))

You are not a killer , I would of done the same thing. Like you have said about my situation with my father, it wasnt my fault.

love,
Leslie

Hello "It's Just Me" :

I agree with those who suggest finding someone else. Finding a sympathetic and helpful counselor can be almost as hard as finding a lover.

Well said sky...

That's what I was trying to say but couldn't find the right words.

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--http://www.idexter.com

You are being way too hard on yourself. Killers don't weep for their lost children. You are crying.

We don't know the future. You could have died and then the child would be dead anyway. Or...It's a gamble at best and you're gambling with your life and your children's lives. Would you risk saving the child and risk dying? Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

If you were in hospital once, then chances are good that there were going to be future trips and you might not have been lucky enough to survive.

Father Lindsay told me once that the decision for who goes to Heaven and who goes to Hell is left in the hands of God. He said this because I told him that I was going to Hell for my actions.

We love you here and your children need you. What more is there to say?

Well...

When your children have children, they are going to want a grandmother to spoil them rotten.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

Many times when I think about the decision I made; I know in my heart it was the right one for my kids and I. I guess what the hard part is; I feel like I gave up on the life that I helped create. The picture of the ultrasound plays in my head and I see this little baby growing and the heartbeat; I took it away. How is that right or fair to my baby. I am a mom already and I have fought hard for what my kids deserve; so why did I give up on the one inside of me? For me; this is not a forgivable act. Yes, I was at high risk and my baby was too. But how knows what the outcome would have been and I didnt give my baby a chance at life. I took it away. I am a very lucky person to have what I do in my life; there are so many people who dont have all these things. I am not talking material things; that I dont need; but the beautiful gifts that I have been given. When I went to my mom's last chemo treatment; wow what an eye opener. These young kids with no hair; in pain; walking around with IV's in their fragile arms. I wanted to take all of that pain away for them and make it better. Not even just the little ones; all of those people who are fighting so damn hard to have that time....to live. Here I am; not taking that risk; for my child. And here I am thinking about suicide; how selfish it that!!!!!!! I hate going to that cancer clinic; I leave a piece of me there everytime. But for my mom; I need to be there for her. She has fought so hard and been through so much pain; I would give her my life if I could. Someone like her deserves it more than me. When my mom was pregnant with me; her doctor wanted her to have a DNC because of complications; did she make the wrong choice? When I was at my parents last weekend; My mom said; "Dad was in a good mood, till he saw you". Put the knife in a little further. My dad does not love me anymore because I am depressed and he feels that I am weak and selfish. He has said many times that I am not his daughter. He also said that he would love to keep my kids; just not me. He is right; I am no good. Just like my husband used to say. Why did I not see it before?
itsjustme