hate... just plain hate...

Hate... is such an ugly word... I keep going back to it... hate... hate.. hate.. hate...

I give... up.... I say... this.. then I pick myself up... and try again...

Only.. I can't anymore... I have run out... of friends and family...

My abusers...gave me... such trauma... that I cannot be.. what my best friend.. and my son... need me to be...

My T... "blamed" me... for not being "firm" enough with my adult son... and... so the responsibility... sits... firmly.. and solidly... upon my shoulders...

My friend... I cannot be " mentally well"... for her.. so have failed her too...

I am at the end of my rope... there is no more rope... there is no knot to hold onto.. there.. is no hand to grab....

Responsible. responsible... responsible... responsible...

so here is is... everyone... I admit.... I am responsible...

I will take... the responsibility...

Dad... you are "off the hook".... as a 3 year old... I seduced you.. and made you...think of me sexually.. so you couldn't help yourself..
I made everyone so angry.... you absolutely had to lock me in the closet... and beat me.. yes... welts were the only way.. I was such a terrible child - I agree...

Mom... I seduced Dad... at 3... and I take full responsibility.. and I am a *****... yepper... I certainly was... and yes.. I could never call the abulances for you fast enough when you passed out... and no... driving you.. back and forth to your work... 100 miles a day.. thru snow..and sleet.. and unplowed roads.. is every 15...16..17..18.. year olds dream.. of a perfect life..... and especially when I did it without ever.. ever... complaining.....and hey.... watching Grandma die at dinner... and getting an abumlace for her too... well that was special too.. for a 17 year old... thank you for giving me that experience that I may learn.... that I did not ever call an abulance fast enough foe anyone... thank you.. I am responsible.. I admit it....

Pedophile.... I seduced you at 12... too.. please... please... please... forgive me for ruining your life... I am so very sorry.... I should have known better... you know.. 12...13...14...15.... mom dying.. dad..raging anger... you... were the person that "loved" me... so thank you...I take full resposibility for ruining your life....

Ex-Husband... yes.. I agree... I am a worthless piece of %#@&#!... I am not worth the air I breathe... no one but you could ever love me... yes.. I so agree... and thnak you... thank you so much for .... telling me that every day for 12 years...it built character.. as I got up every morning.. and went to work.. and supported you.. and your daughters... my step-daughters...

and all of you... thank you... thank you... thank you...

so that at 52.... I can hear my T... tell me... that it is my responsibility... that I was not "firm" enough with my son...

end of the line... end of the rope... just thru..

ugly... things... and ugly me...

BUT... I accept.. responsibility... everyone.. I am responsible...

Its okay be angry. Just knowing you for a while, I think you have made allot of progress and you know so many of those things you wrote about are untrue. But I know how painful things can be in the moment and I offer you my support and care.

ev

Thank you..... you are so very kind to me....

yes anger... something I am so not comfortable with as you can see in this post... no the things aren't true... but.. I have "stuffed" my anger for so long... and it surfaced.....and.. this post...Yazza....

Its okay. Anger is okay! Don't let it affect your belief system if possible. That is your healing to know you are a perfectly created human being who deserves to be love and is able to give love.

Let it all out Freewiil! You have sat silently and taken it long enough. It is okay to be angry about everything terrible that was inflicted you and to be angry with people who deny/ignore your pain. Did you see that movie many years ago where the main character had just had life up to his eyeballs and he opened the window and just started yelling something like "I'm mad as H*ll and I'm not going to take it anymore." That is what you are doing by your posts - way to go - keep at it.

freewill,

Please repeat this -- You were only a child. You were only a child. You were only a child. You deserved better than you got. It was not your fault.

Your ex-husband was a jerk. He was not sensitive to your healing process. You deserved better than you got. It was not your fault.

Today, you are responsible only for your recovery. Like us all, you have made mistakes in recovery, but you deserve to forgive yourself. You did not ask to be here. You did not deserve to end up here. But, you do deserve to heal. You deserve to heal. You deserve to heal. And you deserve help, patience and understanding, from others ... and from yourself. You don't have to be so hard on yourself. You were only a child.

be well,

mtd

You deserve to heal and to be free of all of that hate and pain. I have only endured a mentally abusive husband and I feel on ground zero right now, but to have gone through what you have...well, no one deserves that.
I don't know your story but I just wanted to say that I feel for you and wanted to send you prayers and good thoughts today....

Hate is an ugly word, but sometimes it is suiting.

Oh, wow, I so relate. When people hound me about "taking responsibility for my part in it," I want to answer, "You mean just blame myself for everything that's ever been done to me?"

Right now I'm feeling definite anger toward your therapist. In your situation I might be inclined to get a new one.