[Christina86]

TRIGGER WARNING. Some mention of religion (I posted this exactly on another site). Be safe.

TRIGGER...

%#@&#! you. Seriously. I HATE YOU. I hate what you've done to me. I hate what I've allowed you to do to me. Screw you. %#@&#! you for being nice to me one second and tearing me to tiny pieces in the next. I didn't like it then, and I sure as hell haven't changed and like it now. I DO NOT. I'm sorry you don't like your life. I'm sorry you think you can control everyone else around you when you can't even control yourself. I'm sorry you think that being an %#@&#! to all of us women in your life is going to make you feel better about yourself.

Has it? Really? %#@&#! you, I didn't %#@&#! think so. I'm glad you were nice enough to Mom to have us live with you. That was a kind gesture. Going fishing with you and other stuff is fun, but it will *never* repair what you've done to me. What you did to me. What you continue to do to me. Screw you. I'm sorry you found your father to be a nuisance up to his death. I loved Grandad.... even with all of his problems. You think it's funny to make fun of people around you? Think it's %#@&#! funny to poke fun of everything and then get mad when people laugh at you?

Hypocrite. Don't like ADs, and don't like people with mental illnesses, and you're the one who's %#@&#! up in the head. HA. I hate you. So much. I know I shouldn't, but this is something I'm doing FOR ME. I will not live FOR YOU. I will not do everything you want, and I don't know if it's within my power to forgive you for what you've done to me. It's taken me this long to be mad. I wasn't ever allowed to be. You did that to me. Tried to condition me to do whatever the hell you wanted. You hurt my Mom in so many ways, you %#@&#! broke her heart. And yet she continues to stick by you. I don't know what the hell she sees in you. I see a depressed lonely alcoholic. I see a guy who can't control his temper, his mouth or his actions. And as a result, people wind up getting hurt. I'm hurt. Do you even %#@&#! care? Do you even %#@&#! REALIZE? I trusted you. I still do but it hurts me so much sometimes. I still care about you, because deep down I know you're a good person. I just wish you'd stop playing the game, I wish you'd stop trying to control everything.

I hate your attitude, and I hate how you continuously push my sisters. One moved as far away from you as she could get. Yeah, you're responsible. You're responsible for the criticism tapes in my head. You're responsible for my baby sisters perfectionism and for stressing them out. It's YOUR FAULT she had/has an ED. It's YOUR FAULT I hate myself. I hate myself and it isn't even right. It wasn't me. It never was about me. It's about YOU. What YOU want. Nobody else even comes close on the priority list. You are a poor role model. You are a bad parent. You never even wanted to be one, now did you? Well too %#@&#! bad. You screwed up, you got Mom back with three daughters. Thank God I am not related to you. It may not be fair how mad I am at you, but dammit this feels finally right.

I'm working on trying to forgive you. But I have to forgive myself first. I don't know what's harder to do. You were supportive sometimes. You were a good guy sometimes... but why do we all have to suffer when you're not having a good time? Why do we suffer when you're depressed? It isn't even that you're depressed, it's that you deliberately lash out. I'm so sensitive to criticism. I lived in a war zone.I lived on a mine field. I lived in an environment that took me, broke me, stepped on me and made me small. I wasn't important. I'm a burden, that's the message I got. I was a means to an end. Using me to get what you want. You want a tax return? Use me. You want to feel powerful and hurt someone else? YOU %#@&#! HURT ME AND USED ME. Do you not even realize that now?

It is not necessary to turn everything into an argument. It is NOT %#@&#! NECESSARY to always have your way. Just because someone was in a bad mood, you just *had* to make it worse, didn't you? Take an already tense situation and light a match, KABOOM. Mom consistently complains about what you do to her. I still hear about it, even when I'm not there anymore. You leave her alone. You make her your slave and she does almost everything for you. I love my Mom. I respect her, I just don't like her decisions sometimes. She should have left you by now. I've tried to tell her. I will never tell her what you've done to me, because that isn't fair to her. She's hurt enough as is. We all are. I will not take an already broken family and make it worse. I've got a heart, so I will continue to do what I've always done. Hide in a corner and cry. Try to listen and help those who are hurting. I will do it until I bleed. I think you're responsible for that too. Why else would I become destructive? I'm imploding. My mind and my body eat away at me and I can't even stop it. I can't get it out of my head. I hope you're happy. I don't know what kind of sick person you are, but HOW %#@&#! DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME.

I gave up power over my life so long ago. It's hard trying to get it back. It's hard to move on, with so many regrets. I regret not doing something at the time. I regret not telling you to %#@&#! off on numerous occasions. I feel so horrible that I didn't do a better job of protecting my sisters from your criticism. So help me God, if I even thought for a minute you laid a hand on them you'd be %#@&#! DEAD. I will be the doormat, since that's what I've always been. I will be the one who is always left behind. I will be the eternal failure. Because failing is better than succeeding, because succeeding means you get more pressure. I learned that well. From listening to my sisters. From trying to be a good person. But I can never really be, because I think I'm too broken to be repaired. And that pains me to think. I didn't deserve it. I don't deserve this. I HATE YOU. All I wanted was for you to love me. I've never heard you say it, at least not that I can recall. All I wanted was to be happy. All I want to be is normal.

But you just pick on me. Criticize the weaknesses, criticize the flaws. You told me I'm not normal. I may not be, but at least I'm not screwed up. I may not be a good student, but dammit I'm going to try FOR ME. Not for you. You can go %#@&#! yourself. I'm going to try to be a good daughter, but I was never yours. I will never be yours. Maybe on paper, but I have nothing in common with you. Harsh, maybe. But at the end of it all - I HAVE A DAD. He may not be nearby, but he's done a helluva lot of a better job of raising me and instilling me with positive things.

You can run from your problems all you want. If you want to hide them under alcohol, so be it. If you want to lash out and think the world is unfair, go right ahead. The minute you take it out on someone I love, I feel it. I hear it. And then someone else is always picking up the pieces. I know you're not inhuman. I know you have feelings. I just wish you'd learn a thing or two about proper relationships and how to be a better person.

I hate you when you drink. I hate you when you decide you have to drink. I hate how you change, how you can be nice and then everyone wants to get away from you. You are a mean alcoholic. You're not physically abusive, but the emotional abuse that we went through in that house breaks my heart. Why can't you stop? Why don't you try to control something productive for once? Your life would be so much better. I could maybe respect you then. I don't know if I do right now.

I know God loves you. I know I love you sometimes. I know you're a good guy. I just wish you would be a better guy. I wish you could be a better example. I wish I hadn't gone all these years bottling my emotions and denying what you were doing to me. I'm glad I got out.I'm just going to have to learn how to forgive myself. Forgive you. Learn to love myself and learn all those lessons you neglected to teach me. I feel so horribly unprepared for the real world. But I've got to stop crying over the past, because it can't hurt me anymore if I don't let it.

God, please bless him and allow him to see the errors of his ways and show him mercy and love, and help him to be a better person. That's what I want.

[PasDeDeux]

(((Canders)))) I am sorry for all the pain. I can feel your anger and sorrow even your love and confusion within it. What an awesome letter....awesome being in a very healing way to get some of that out ...I hope it helps you feel a little better....I wish a lot but I know thats a stretch.

[iamtwilight]

(((Christina)))

That sure was a long letter. I'm sorry you still have to deal with this person (at least that's the impression I got?). But I hope that writing this letter made you feel at least a bit better. It's good to let anger out sometimes.

Take care of yourself.

[Christina86]

((((((((((PDD))))))))))) (((((((((((KK))))))))))))))

thanks both of you.

[Typo]

(((Christina86)))

[bchlyn]

thinking about you christina...take gentle care...lyn

[Christina86]

((((((((((((Silversparrow))))))))))))) (((((((((((((((Lyn)))))))))))))))))

thanks both of you.

[Cthomas]

Hey friend,

I give you credit, and admire your strength. I know it took a lot to write that. You are making such big strides lately and i wanted to know its been MY pleasure having you as a friend.

Colleen

[Christina86]

((((((((Colleen))))))))))) thanks lovely friend. You almost made me cry with your response though (very sweet). I just wish it was easier to get through things without having to literally GO THROUGH them, you know?

[RozG]

((((((Christina))))))

please know i mostly don't read stuff with trigger icons, it depends on the forum and how strong i am myself that day.

but please also know i do admire your strength and think you're a very special person.

i truly hope one day you can have 100% inner peace and know that you are special...and never forget...it's the people who abused us who have something wrong with them, not us.

much love and hugs for you and i hope this post hasn't offended you in any way, i'm a bit klutzy today i think.

[Cyran0]

Christina, I've read this a couple times now and I still find myself at a loss. I feel that white hot anger, that frustration and disappointment. I'm so sorry and hold on to that strength.

Cyran0

[Christina86]

(((((((K_J)))))))))))

I'm still coming to terms with the fact I expressed so much anger. I don't like doing that...

I don't really feel special, but thanks for saying so anyways.

No offense felt/heard/or otherwise on my end.

[Christina86]

((((((((Cyran0))))))))))))

I'm surprised you've read it a couple of times... I try to read any post here in the forum more than once and it's hard.

Thank you.