[iamtwilight]

I read this book yesterday... about how you can become whole after being shattered. And it had all different examples of experiences that make you... well, shattered.

When parents treat you bad / ignore you, you develop a bad self-esteem and are unable to let people love you.

Then it had incest. I am a possible survivor of incest (I'm not sure whether my memories are real, there aren't enough of them, I don't know the details, etc... just waiting for the courage to tell my T so we can sort it out. Anyway) and in this book it read that it is the most horrible thing that can bedone to a child. That you should rather kill your child than do something like that.

Now I feel like I should have never been born anyway.

I have pretty contradictory feelings. My father is no longer a threat, I don't even remember when he was. He seems to be genuine at times and I wonder if I'm just imagining things. Even if I imagine them, I feel bad anyway. And if he did do those things to me, then he must hate me a lot for keeping me alive. It's eating me alive even if it's not real... Feels crazy.

This is just a rant I felt like sharing.. I'm not a threat to myself, but maybe a burden to the ones I love. Now that the memories have started coming, they haunt me 24/7. I'm just trying to put the pieces together for now...

thanks for reading.

katie

[bchlyn]

katie... i am glad your alive! i understand about the conflicting feelings... my dad and several of my abusers told me how much they loved me... and many things they did express genuine care... was that real? and if so how could they do the things they did... well... i have come to the place that i believe that they may have loved me...but were so sick and perverted that they didn't or were not able to choose healthy ways to express their love... they were too selfish and thought only of their needs... they used me to meet their needs... i was a tool... but the truth is... i am not a tool and i didn't deserve to be used as one... it's about them and their perversions not you... please take gentle care... lyn

[iamtwilight]

((((lyn))))

thank you for the reply.

You are right about it being about them and their sickness. I've tried to understand, to find a reason why. As far as I know I was a wanted child. I was "supposed" to have Down's syndrome or something (according to ultrasound... not sure.. my sister told me this), my parents must've been relieved when it turned out that I didn't.

Before I remembered my abuse I always thought that nobody is deserving or asking for things like rape etc. The same applies here, but it is kind of difficult to accept when it is about _you_. The self-hatred is rooted so deep.

I'm trying to stay safe for the next few days. It's one of those tough episodes, I can tell.

Thank you for caring.

[pachyderm]

> in this book it read that it is the most horrible thing that can bedone to a child...

Sometimes I think that that sort of condemnation is almost worse than the crime -- certainly for the victim. It makes a bad thing worse. A small child will pick up the sense of how its parents feel about things, without the ability to separate itself from the parents' judgement, without the perspective to disagree with the parents' judgement. A small child feels the parents must be right in how they see things -- and it is not necessarily so.

I hope I am making sense, and not making your situation worse...

[bchlyn]

katie... i understand that it's hard to extend the same grace to yourself that you express to another survivor without any hesitation... m t points that out to me regularly...please stay safe...lyn

[Kiya]

Katie - i guess only in my mind i posted in response ...cuz now i don't see it here and can't remember what I might have said. Anyway... standing with you...