[Kiya]

I am in a situation where technically i should be medically concerned and get checked out. however, that kind of exam is far too triggering for me. i do have just a regular visit next week but i am afraid and i can't say it - can't tell my md. sadly, i told t in an email... and forgot that t will most likely tell md... they "work closely together" and now are not even separated by buildings any more. really scared.
i can't possibly tell them.
i can't let them do an exam.
if i stay silent.... and it is cancer....
i can't
i can't
it's not cancer. i won't let it be.

[onlymedid]

(((((((KIYA))))))) I know EXACTLY what you mean. I had never had a female exam before out of extreme fear. What made me go through with it was the fact that my mother died and she had cancer that started as cervical. I freaked out when she passed and was more worried that I would pass the way she did, in horrible pain, than about getting the exam.

My BF went with me and held my hand the entire time. I told the Dr. that I had been abused when I was younger and that I was very afraid. She worked so well with me. I asked her to tell me everything she was doing before she did it so that I could be ready. She showed me the tools, she talked very calmly and was so understanding to my past abuse issues.

I know you are scared, I know! If you have someone you can take with you, then that will help. It doesn't take long at all! It was only maybe....two or three minutes...I swear! It didn't even seem that long.

You will be ok. You have to remember to breathe and relax as much as you can.

[Kiya]

...yeah.... *those* are awful. more to the point of my fears is the other ... i was avoiding both but probably shouldn't. much as the paps are terrible, i actually am so numb i feel nothing - and of course, am dissociated. but the one i am really dreading is that which, if there is concern, leads to a mamogram..... that's the first time i've even written the word. i can't even get through just the regular. it puts me into such bad ptsd stuff. and i don't think i could get through the M. i think the alters would take over and the poor medical staff would be left with a 3 yr old snarling, hissing, spitting animal.

I'm really sorry about your mom!! =(

[bchlyn]

kiya... can your t be available if you need her? i had one last fall... it was hard... but i did get through it... i let the tech know i had panic attacks... and that she may need to stop long enough for me to get grounded... she kept checking in on me....and talked me through it... lyn

[Kiya]

i am concerned that t will push the issue. i really don't think i can get through it. i really don't. but she works specifically with ppl going through cancer and i have a feeling she won't let this lie.... i was stupid to tell her in that email.
it is bringing up a lot of panic for my session wed and the md thursday. PANIC!!

[sujunew]

((((((((((kiya))))))))))
I really feel for you. I have never even considered that kind of exam. I have just received confirmation in the mail about 1/2hr ago that i am off the smear recall so that is some relief for me, but I have actually never thought about that other kind of exam, or anything to do with it; kinda stupid really since my mother has had a partial mastectomy; my mother's 1st cousin has had full-blown beast cancer etc etc.
But it is great that you told your t, no matter how much it is now panic-ing you. At least you have someone who knows, and who can support you; if you ask her to not talk about it til after the md appt would she respect that? Although that will not alleviate the panic before your t appt about whether it will be discussed or not... (as I know from much recent experience lol)... Lotsa safe hugs to you, and I really hope things go ok for you at your appts. Take lotsa care of yourself.

[Kiya]

Yeah - I was thinking about when you went through your panic around some of the same stuff.
I don't know... I will try to get t not to talk about it. I have a feeling she will tell my MD (if she hasn't already).
Your system there with the medical recalls and such work so differently than for me here. We never get anything in the mail like that - only for dental work, pet appnts, and cars!
AM trying to take care.... am trying to breathe and remember i am an adult who can say NO! =)

[sujunew]

If you have found something to be so concerned about you can't do this >>
Even with your t and md working so closely together they can't actually share this sort of info can they? But even if they do, would that take the pressure off you to have to bring it up with your doc? (although in the process you will probably panic all the more til your md appt
is there anything you think would help you to feel in control? If you needed to stop the exam would your doc stop straight away? I guess that is the biggest thing, and as you said you ARE an adult who can say no, which does give you the power and control.

p.s. I'm guessing that as we have so few ppl here (like...about 4million ) it is much easier to do national medical recalls...

[Kiya]

My granmother hid hers for a decade... had surgery last year. this year the found something else and she has to do a biopsy.

I think what it comes down to is that I can't have *this dr* do this exam. I really trust and like her and for her to do that - she would lose the trust. she'd become an abuser. and I can't let that happen. I want to say she's the only MD in the current clinic (having just moved in to this one) and the others are ND. I hate these exams and hate crying through them and feeling like i'm reliving the r***** of the past. And the feel tends to last a week.
more so, if they did decide that there is something to be concerned about, i really don't see how i'd get therough a mamogram. i really don't.
(i know there are things in our lives that we say that -and don't have the strenght until we really have to face them). right now i just don't see how.
I know i'm repeating myself a lot in this thread.... i'm just freaking out.

As for the medical recalls - here (in my experience) we don't get notified at all. You don't make an appointment, oh well. There's no reminders. Only if there's something wrong with a lab will you get called.

[Kiya]

T never even mentioned it. happy day.
All that worry for nuttin. figures.
she even said that yes she talks to MD, but not w/o my permission and with my knowing what she talks about.
yay!

[sujunew]

(((((kiya)))))
nice to see the smile! (and I apologise in advance for turning it upside down again...)
You must feel relieved, and I don't want to rain on your parade but how much stress are you going to be under until you get this health issue sorted? Going by my own experiences it is a daily worry/thought/panic and I really wish I had had the courage to go ahead with my exam, just so I could free my mind of all of it for a while...
But I am pleased you have such a great t, and that you have been reassured that you can fully trust her (IMO she has reinforced that trust by admitting that she does talk to your MD but only with your permission etc).
Take care

[Kiya]

it's ok - still smiling. so relieved. i understand the concern. i told my friend too, and she is all concerned. Ah well. For today, it shall not bring me down.
thinking of you also and sending courage - for what ever you want to use it for =)

[bchlyn]

kiya... i understand how hard it is... i was a mess when i had to have mine... but, if you found something that is concerning please find away to check it... the motivation for me was the loss of my sister in law to ovarian cancer last year... my doctor told me he would help me anyway i needed.... but that i had to get it done... i care about you.... and i want you to be ok...lyn

[Kiya]

Thanks Lyn (!!)
That does mean a lot to me. it does!!

AND i had a really good visit with my MD. I admit, no talk of such concerns. Instead we laughed and talked and changed suppliments. T told her nothing, and I told her nothing. Meanwhile, my grandma's biopsy came back positive. The lump removed 4.5 years ago is growing back - but slowly.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( kiya )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am worried about you

[Kiya]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
earthmama said:
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( kiya )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am worried about you

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

=( please don't - i'm really pretty healthy; i eat really super well and try to take care of myself. if i (should for some reason) die, at least it wasn't suicide (that has plagued me for the majority of my life). I don't think i will tho (you know - for a long time). I've had plenty of scrapes with death, and seem to have to stay here for a while.
They're more than likely cysts anyway (and I hear those are helpful and cancer can't grow there) since i have like 7 cysts already.
I'm also really sorry about the losses you've already experienced!! I do not mean to make those feelings worse or minimize this. I just can't do anything about it right now.

(((((((((((EM))))))))!! Kiya

When I had cysts, cutting out caffeine helped. I wonder if that might make a difference for you?

((((((((((((((((((((((( kiya )))))))))))))))))))))))) Big, big hugs to you. (I'm still worried!!!)

[Kiya]

*grin* there' no caffiene allowed in this diet! That was cut a year ago. thanks! NO caffiene, sugar, soy, dairy, wheat, yeast, gluten, beef, starches, potatos, corn, white rice, no citrus... gosh what else... no nightshades (tomatoes, chilies, or eggplant). *whew*.

I got balled out by my friend - "You'd rather die then get a breast exam?!?!" Then went on to tell me that because of our abuse, our brains are wired to give us wrong information that is trying to kill us. I don't want to admit that she might be right. But, yeah - I don't want that exam. And I'm really happy that I don't even have to think about it =) because both apnts are OVER and it never came up.