feeling safe **may trigger**

My husband and I had a heated all day argument yesterday. I put his fist through the pantry door. This morning we printed off a list from the Internet on fair fighting, and calmly discussed it. We set up a plan to start working on how we argue so that we can work toward resolution instead of assassination.

I lived for 10 years in a battering relationship with my ex husband. Every time I look at that door, I panic. I can no longer say that my current husband would never hit me - I don't know if I am over reacting to his anger, or if I am valid in what I am thinking. It's hard to have a past and balance it with your present sometimes. He is willing to put the plan into place and demonstrated this by sitting down with me this morning and re discussing the issue that was so heated yesterday. We followed the steps and came to a balanced fair resolution that both of us compromised in and both of us are happy and satisfied with the results.

I welcome anyone's thoughts on this. Am I over reacting?
Thanks,
Beth

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I put his fist through the pantry door.

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This should have read "he" put his fist through the pantry door.

Putting his fist through the pantry door may have frightened him too. I think that working on the relationship without violence is a good sign. Not everyone who hits a wall etc is going to hit a person. However the person who hits the wall, (or door) is feeling so angry and trapped they just want to strike out. So, communication will help both of you not to get to that point.

I don't think you are over-reacting at all. Seeing someone lose control of their anger enough to punch a wall would be terrifying to anyone who's been hit.

It sounds like a good sign that he is willing to work on things in a more safe and reasonable manner. I'd say at this point, you're ok and no reason to be concerned yet. But at the same time, your reaction was TOTALLY appropriate to the situation and don't deny yourself those feelings!

If it gets to be a problem in the future, maybe you and your husband could get some counseling. At this point, though, it sounds like you'll be ok

((((safe hugs)))) if you want them

Angela

I don't think you are over-reacting either, it's rather your former experience helping you survive. But, I also think that your new husband seems from what you tell here to be honest and not really violent(I'm not sure whether your text makes your husband seem like an ok guy because you want to believe he is or because he really is ). I have been hitting my fist in a wall in frustration once myself, but I don't think I could even hit someone in self defense. It is scary though, in the prison I worked I experienced several times that prisoners suddenly hit their fist in the wall or on the table when they told me about something frustrating. They would always say sorry afterwards and explain that they were not going to hit me, but that they needed to get out some of the energy the frustration gave them. I never thought they were going to hit me, but the sudden movement of violence is startling.

Did you talk to your husband about how you felt the hit from your past? I think it is very important that your husband learns to control that type of reactions, espescially considering the background you have. Maybe you should have a time out where he can lock himself into the bathroom and yell as loud as he can? Sometimes that is a good way of getting out some anger.

Good luck.

Charlie

Thank you everyone. I asked my husband to remove the door from the frame and take it downstairs until he could get it replaced. He did so yesterday. That's done a lot to calm that panic I feel every time I look at it.

Thank you all for helping me to see the other side of things. It really helped calm me down.


Beth