Hm. Memories. MAY BE TRIGGERING

Right. Where shall I start?

I haven't opened up about this before.

Well. Basically.

I'll start off with my brother.

Basically. For 10 years of my so far 14 year life, my brother beat the s*** out of me. I remember, being pushed on the floor in front of his mates. Gathering around me, in a circle. They'd cheer him on as he kicked me and kicked me and kicked me. That happened only 11 times. I suppose I deserved it. I was too happy - I am not supposed to be happy. I suffered a broken arm from the 7th time he did this.

Another time, he recorded me as he upset me and I started crying. He'd call me a sissy, chicken, poofter, retard, freak, gay, geek., as he'd chase me around the house, filming with a webcam, attached to the downstairs computer. He ended up hitting me because I pushed him backwards to defend myself.

I remember him once, firing a bb gun at me. Plastic pellets hurt when they strike you from just a few centimeters away. Especially in your face.

I just think, now. These memories are so triggering to me! I am so....isolated right now! I feel like everyone hates me at the right moment.

Should I quite PC? Oh god. I have triggered myself again

SHOULDN'T OPEN UP ANYMORE!

mikky... glad u opened up though im sure that was really hard. I cant say i fully relate, thankfully i have a really good relationship with my younger brother.
I do know how it feels to be made to feel small and worthless all the time, to be hit kicked and so on...
I'm really sorry that happened. I'm really sorry none of his friends even tried to stop him... I'm sorry your parents didn't stop this... If they didn't know they SHOULD have.. .at least know something was up and they coulda known it was your brother....

Either way it was not your fault, you didn't deserve... you do deserve to be happy!
Someday you'll believe this too...

Blue

<font color="purple">Nu-uh, you shouldn't quit PC!

Older brothers, the problem that I run into with sibling abuse is that everyone brushes it off as "just being a older brother" it's a sad truth to think that society not only accepts, but practicly encourages it.

My older brother used to be really abusive, but now he's kind of lightened up...but I know how you feel though. But even though he isn't as bad as your brother, needless to say his punches hurt like having a metal ball rammed into you, and even though it didn't have any copper BB's loaded, he'd scare the crap out of me when he started firing his gun at me...once that I can remember he started choking me... (geez, maybe I should stop here before triggering myself too...)

But you deserve to be happy! Just like everyone else.
I guess that's all I can really say though.
So...before I go

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You do deserve to be happy mikky!

I agree with blue.. I'm sorry that happened to you.

Maybe a break from PC, or at least this forum for awhile (this one triggered me like nothing I've ever experienced before)

But I'll listen anytime you need to open up

No. Parents didnt know. Why did'nt I tell? Well, I feared they wouldn't believe me.

Anway. He is now 17, I am 14 and he is miles away from me.

So... I am safe

I am glad you are safe, that is the most important thing.

yeah im glad ur safe... still think your parents shoulda have known something was not right and if they didn't... wtf where they paying their attention to instead ya know?
glad ur safe though... and yes take your time please dont leave though...

blue

Blue- sometimes it is easier than you might think for a kid to keep stuff from their parents, especially if the parents are also willing to turn a blind eye

They just shouldn't have been willing..

I think blue might have had to do this red....

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mikkyhill said:
I think blue might have had to do this red....

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Oh, ok

Sorry blue

<font color="purple">Glad you are safe from him now
As for me, my parents tried to stop him, he just never litsened so it happened anyways </font>

Well. We have a restraint order on him now. Cus he came up to me in the street last month and knocked my tooth out

thats good to hear (about the restraint order)

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reddevil said:
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mikkyhill said:
I think blue might have had to do this red....

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Oh, ok

Sorry blue

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do what?
no sorries

ehmm either way my parents were the problem
and all of the people my father brought home
still run into them at times

Blue- don't worry. Just a little confusion

Mikky- I meant it can be easy for kids to hide what they are doing to their sibling

yeah i spose but you cant hide bruises like that forever ? or at least shouldnt be able to i guess
tough subject
anyway back to Mikky now

Mikky, I am also sorry for what you had to go through. I think the question "Why didnt I?" is very common among survivors of any type of abuse. I'm a survivor of multiple types of abuse, and over time I have learned to change "Why didnt I?" in to "How could he?" or she or they. Putting the blame on yourself can make more situations triggering. At least that is what I have found in my past.
I'm so glad you are safe from your brother...hopefully that brings you some happiness.