* TRIGGERING *

i think this may be more sordid than triggering but ...

i don't know where to start with this one but please ...as always... don't read if in bad place...




to be honest i don't even know why this is on my mind tonite....there's so much on my mind atm.

it just bothers me the older my kids get....esp all being boys...that one day they WILL find out i was a kiddie prostitute. what are they gonna think of their momma?

IDK i can't really say anything else without trigging myself ....

If they love you, and I bet they do, I'd say they would not think any different.

I agree with you Mike >> and I Know Roz prolly knows that too .

((((Mike))))

((((wmd))))

Thank You both for that but i just don't know.

My eldest son is now old enough to see my social services files....it's just rammed it home that my other 3 can when they come of age too.

And there's so much bad stuff in there. They're gonna find out their Mom was an incest victim, a runaway brat, a child prostitute, a teenage drunken suicidal screw-up.

There is SO much for them to be ashamed of esp when added to the fact that i didn't manage to rear one of them for the entirety of their childhood.

IDK guess there's no point worrying about it...they'll either still love or wont right?

Again...Mike...wmd...ty for replying, it does help me come to terms with it eventually.

(((((((((((((((((((Roz))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

All circumstances have to come into consideration right? If they do read what you have been through, maybe they'll understand .... you were a victim of abuse ...... i dont know your whole story, feel free to talk to me anytime .... YOU have nothing to feel ashamed about, it was your abusers ..... don't know if this helps, but my kids understand the things i have done in the past, some bad, are a result of what has happened in my past ..... (when i was a teen)

love you, wish i dould make everything alright for you my friend ..... hugs, Kerry xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

(((((((((((((( Roz )))))))))))))))

if they really look, they will see that you are a survivor. you were a victim of abuse, which lead you down the rest of the path you describe. you had the courage and love to let them go where they could be safe. you did not abandon them, you sent them to get what you were not able to give at that time. they will love you. you have no reason to be ashamed. hope this helps.

lost

((((((((Kerry))))))))

Yes, i hope they will be able to see past the black and white on paper and see what was behind it all. I have reared them to understand how lucky they are compared to some kids....like they know how much i love them and how much i have sacrificed for them and not all kids have parents who actually give a %#@&#!.

Thanx for telling me your kids understand, it gives me hope mine may too.

Love & hugs,
roz
xx

((((((((Fuzzy))))))))

((((((((lost))))))))

Thank You for that, i never thought of the fact that they do already respect the sacrifice i made for them to give them a better life., they know how it did and does still hurt, but i had to put them first.

And yes, your reply has been a big help ty.

(((RozG)))
You are not those things anymore, that is the past. Now is now. The list of things you wrote sound on the surface negative until you consider that fact that you survived and have move beyond those early challenges. Can you write a list of all the things you did WELL in your life so far? I would start with simply surviving your childhood as a major accomplishment.

((((((((chaotic)))))))))

i never thought of writing down the positive, yet there is quite a lot...more positive than negative when i think about it.

i've birthed 4 boys who have compassion and love for folks less fortunate than them. that's good right?

i've worked with abused kids who were sui etc but they opened up to me coz they knew i'd been there and they listened to me. that's good too right?

and i can think of lots more.

Thank You SO much for directing me in that way.

Rox,

Please push yourself to make the positive list. It is so easy for most of us to own the bad things we feel guilty about. That is NOT the whole story!

If you balanced your survival against the things YOU chose to do wrong - it would land heavy on the side of survival and trying hard.

Much of the bad you think you chose they CONDITIONED AND PROGRAMMED YOU FOR IT!!! They own the blame and shame of that. You did not choose to do many of those things, you did what you HAD to do!!

I think that your boys really will be compassionate, just as my girls have been about the sordid stuff in my past that is really far out and creepy!!

Leslie and the Pixies

Hugs for Surviving!!!

((((((((Leslie and the Pixies))))))))

Thank You!

Even just thinking about that positive list in my head....there is more good than bad.

Like even when i was doing sordid things to survive as a kid, i still done all the good i could taking care of others in that bad place too, taking the crap for them to save them.

Besides all your kind words...thanx very much for telling me your kids understand. In my own personal life i have always felt like a freak coz all my friends come from good families etc....so it helps to know from others who have been thru stuff that their kids DO understand...it gives me hope for mine ty.

And yes, i will really write that list and try reading it when i feel bad.

BIG hugs for you too