[bethannaTN]

Hi, everyone,

I have had two therapy sessions with my T, so far. The first one was very intense, as we were going through my past, and it was very difficult. There came a point in the session where I started feeling like I was falling backward inside of myself - the same feeling that you feel when you are on a roller coaster and you are going down the long drop. I felt that if I got too far from my face that I would disappear, so I struggled very hard to keep from falling too far, stopping the session for a minute and standing up until the feeling went away. The feeling never completely went away. The session ended and I don't remember driving home. I remember getting into my car, and pulling into the drive way, that's it. I don't remember what she asked or what I answered that triggered this, and I vaguely remember the rest of the session - I do remember clearly setting the next appointment, paying my copay and exiting.

The last session I had we were talking about getting married to my first husband. There is a lot of history in this that I really don't want to get into here - but an annulment was being thought about on my part. We did not consummate the marriage until I got home from the hospital. He got me drunk on burbon and coke - I didn't know what it was, as I had never had a mixed drink before. He told me it was 'spiced coke' I didn't know I was drunk until I tried to go to the bathroom and I couldn't stand up to get there. He then laughed and told me I was drunk, and told me what I had been drinking. I had just come home from the hospital (the remaining was NOT told to my therapist), and was told by my doc not to have sex for six weeks. I had an 8 hour abdominal surgery. We consumated the marriage that night, it was EXTREMELY painful, and I was terrified that I would break open the surgery and hemmorage and die. He said afterward, "it's consumated, now - you aren't going anywhere."

She said that she did not believe that I told him "no" until the marriage was consumated. She said that she didn't believe that I couldn't say 'no' to getting married in the first place, but could say no to having sex.

I don't know if I said no or not. I don't remember anything from seeing my ex boyfriend for the last time and him suggesting I get an annulement to being in the hospital. It is obvious to me that I didn't get the annulement. I remember thinking when I was talking to my ex boyfriend that I couldn't get an annulement as I was Catholic, and once married always married. I can't fill in any other holes that that. I remember feeling safe in the hospital. I don't know if it was me that said no, or my ex husband that said no (I seriously doubt he did, considering what happened after I got home from the hospital.) I don't know if it was something else . . .or what it was. I just don't know.

I didn't tell her that, though. I just kept trying to remember, and couldn't. I just kept telling her what I did remember. I didn't clarify anything. Like I was compulsed just to go over and over again what I did remember. And she just went over and over again how I could say no to sex, but couldn't say no to the marriage.

The next couple of days I felt very weird. When I was young I felt like I was turning into a boy. (I was seventeen) - I stopped eating in order to make sure my muscle mass didn't change. (Ha, the first anorexic that didn't care whether she was fat or not!! LOL!!) - I wasn't afraid of turning into a male sexually - just physically. There wasn't a sexual compenent infolved. The few days after the session I felt like I was changing into my mother. I fully expected to look in the mirror and see her instead of me. Or look at my hands and see her hands instead of mine. It was such a strange feeling. It went away though, and I no longer feel like that. I do remember driving home, and remember the session, though.

I am afraid to tell my T that I don't know whether I said yes or no or anything inbetween. I don't know if my "no" kept him at bay or if there was something else that happened. I just don't know. I don't remember anything about it. There are many times that I do not clarify things to people that need clarification, because often my motives are not believed and therefore the clarification is not believed. I need to clarify this to her, but I'm afraid that the same thing will happen. Right now it seems safer to let the lying dog lay - and leave it alone. Let her believe what she wants to believe. Ugh. . .but that doesn't help me get anywhere with myself, does it?

I need help with this - does anyone have anything to offer?

Thanks,
Beth

[SweetCrusader]

Bethanna,

Your post describes a lot of dissociative symptoms. When you don't remember things- like the entire drive home, or chunks of the therapy session, this is because you have dissociated them away. Dissociation is a way of coping. You may have used it in dealing with whatever happened with your first husband as well.

I STRONGLY encourage you to tell your therapist about these things. In fact, I suggest you print off this post and hand it to her.

You are not weird for having these issues with your memory, and you probably won't be the first person your therapist has seen that has had that issue.

Tell me- if I remember right, you had a history of abuse, right?

Angela

[bethannaTN]

Hi, Angela, thank you for responding!

Yes, there is a tremendous amount of abuse in my past.

The subject of dissasociating came up with my first therapist. And we did some work on acceptiong the different parts of my personality as a whole part of me, and valuable. I don't think I've ever been diagnosed with dissasociative disorder.

I haven't had any breaches in memory before the first therapy session in a very very long time. (At least 20 years.) I don't think I've ever presented anyone with a different persona, I've never been called by another name. No one has ever stated that they thought I was someone else.
I don't know. The thought is . . .confusing and intimidating at best. I can't see enough to say that if this is what it is, that it's affected my life in any real disruptive way. And there are PLENTY of times since that it would have made sense if I had disappeared to somewhere else, but I didn't. I was right there - taking every ounce of it. So that doesn't make sense to me.

I'm afraid that if we go down this mode of thinking that she will try to trigger something to happen. That terrifies me. I was terrified when I felt myself go on the rollar coaster down - I knew I COULD NOT let go. I could NOT leave my face.

I did tell her that I felt like I was falling in the session, she asked if I felt like that before, and I told her the first time I felt it (I was six) - after I told her, that's the point that I cannot remember anything else. I remember her telling me I had dissociated - and then nothing. Telling her about the first time was very difficult - and I was very upset.

I don't know what we talked about after that. I felt numb and terribly shaken when I paid for my copay and left. She looked like she was moving very carefully, watching me very carefully. That unnerved me. After she took my check, she gave me some homework to do. I remember that as well.

I'm afraid that if I bring this up again, that she will look at motive. . .just trying to squirm out of the fact that I actually said no to the marriage (I didn't) or that I actually said yes to consumating the marriage before we actually did.

I'm also afraid that she will start doing things to TRY to trigger dissasociating in order to work on it - if I am indeed doing this. . .and then what? I work, I am very dependant on my job. . .I can't afford to have something like that happen and risk my job.

yeeesh.

Beth

[SweetCrusader]

Put on the brakes for a minute there, sweetie. Okay?

Dissociation does NOT only mean Dissociative Identity Disorder (aka Multiple Personalities). There is a whole spectrum in between what's so-called "normal" and DID. Also, the fact that you dissociate a lot does NOT indicate that you have a dissociative disorder. I wasn't trying to insinuate in any shape or form that you had other personalities. I don't see any reason to assume that. I was just noting that dissociation seems to be the way that you cope. And that is more common for people who have endured traumas such as abuse.

That said, dissociation is NOT quite as scary or as serious as it sounds. EVERYONE dissociates. It's a coping response. If you daydream, you're dissociating. If you "space out" you are dissociating. Everyone does that sometimes. Now, some of us do it a little more than the rest of them- but we STILL do not qualify for a dissociative disorder. I fit into that category and maybe you do, too.

Why do some people dissociate more? Well, first off for some of us it seems to be our coping method of choice. Also, having a history of abuse plays a HUGE role in it. If you are going through some very emotionally (and often physically) painful things, you probably know all too well that the feelings associated with that are incredibly overwhelming. And especially as a helpless child being hurt by an adult!

****This next part might be triggering. I've tried to word it carefully, though**** I know in my own experience (I remembered this feeling in therapy) that when I got hit, I felt very scared. And I cried as much out of fear as out of physical pain. But my dad didn't want me to cry, so I had to shut off the tears. The way that I did that was to dissociate. All dissociation was in that situation was me refusing to feel. I just went numb. No fear. That way, I could stop crying and he would leave me alone sooner. That is one example of dissociation. Now, to take that further, I was able to remember that I got hit, but not really able to remember specifics. Because I just didn't have the coping skills to "deal with" the feelings. So I remembered that I got hit, but I could not remember the feelings that I felt when I got hit. I blocked that out. If it had been more traumatic for me, maybe I would not have remembered getting hit at all. When I got to the point in therapy where I was ready, I suddenly remembered the details about HOW I dealt with getting hit. I remembered turning off the scared feeling. I didn't remember that before. See how that goes? It's not pleasant by any means to confront your own dissociative responses, but it's not as catastrophic as sometimes people think dissociation is. Granted, there are much more extreme examples, as seen in Dissociative Identity Disorder.

So, will your therapist try to "trigger dissociation"? Not if she knows what she's doing, and she should know what she's doing. Besides, if you're anything like me (and most dissociators), you will dissociate on your own- no need for her to trigger it. You probably do it a lot. For me, in therapy, dissociation usually takes the form of either: going numb, losing my train of thought, or feeling kind of sleepy and/or a little bit dizzy. It's not scary to dissociate like that. It's actually pretty comfortable because it's normal for me. You probably experience things like that, too. It's also not uncommon for me to not remember, or at least not remember very clearly, everything that we talked about in session. Sometimes it comes to me later on, sometimes I just don't remember. It's your mind's way of coping. As for your experience of feeling like you are sliding away from your face, that's probably a lot more disturbing to feel. Part of therapy is to help you learn how to sit with those feelings and cope with them, so they aren't disturbing any more. Maybe you could try some grounding techniques when that happens. Are you familiar with those? Also, when it happens, don't be afraid to tell your therapist that's what you're feeling. She should be able to help you pull through that.

The bottom line in all of this rambling is that dissociation is just what your mind does to protect you and help you deal with difficult emotional material. A few years ago, my therapist said something to me that has stayed with me through some very dark times. She said "the psyche has a wisdom all its own." And this is true. Your mind has helped you survive through some terrible experiences. Trust it. There is an internal wisdom within you that regulates and determines what you are and are not ready to deal with. It will keep you protected. One thing is for sure, if you are a dissociator, you are always protected from what you aren't ready to handle. Does that make sense?

Therapy is not always comfortable. It's a little scary sometimes. It's supposed to be. That's how we heal. I keep finding time and time again that the best way to work through it is to trust (1) myself and by ability to keep me safe and (2) my therapist, her knowledge and her care for me, and her ability to help me stay safe. It is essential in therapy to learn (at your own pace, of course) to open up and share the things you are afraid to share. That's what will bring healing. That's how you will grow.

I encourage you, again, to share these posts with your therapist. If you have more questions and worries (which I suspect you might ), feel free to post again.

Be safe. Good luck!
Angela

[bethannaTN]

((((Angela))))) thanks, again.

Thank you for the expanded definition. You didn't upset something that wasn't already there and being thought about. I told my mother about I dream I had once, and she jumped off her chair and started yelling at me that I had multiple personalities, and the dream proved it. That experience has always stuck in my mind, and has raised considerable doubts.

I will talk to my therapist - thank you so much for defining dissociation - it was a great help! I don't know if I will print off my post to give to her or not. . .but I will clarify. Hee, and try to trust. I understand that I will not heal/grow unless I trust, but it's hard.

Thanks again, Angela!
Beth

[bethannaTN]

PS - My mother could not name any personalities, she said that I never 'changed' in front of her, but she was SURE that's what the dream meant.

[SweetCrusader]

Would you mind sharing the dream? If not, that is perfectly alright with me. And if you do want to share, but not in the forum, you can send me a pm rather than post it. I'm just curious.

Also, I posted a list of dissociative symptoms in the forum for dissociative disorders. You have to scroll down a bit, but it's there.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showf...5&o=93&fpart=1

And unless your mom is a psychologist, she has no place diagnosing you. In therapy, you are in the hands of a professional with YEARS of training. So don't fret too much about what your mom thinks, ok?

Angela

[bethannaTN]

Thanks, Angela, I sent you the dream(s) pm.

The list helped a lot. . .yes I do a lot of what is on the list.

My mom - planted one of her very famous "your crazy and everyone knows it but you" seeds. Most of the time I just blow her off, but I think the dream was so vivid and upset me so much that it left the question - what if she's right?

Hmmm. . . glad I don't have them any longer!!
Beth

[Maya]

I agree with what has been said - dissociating is not multiple personality. I dissociate frequently to escape from where I am at the time - either physically or emotionally. I learned to do it before I could read or write - my mother was schizophrenic and dangerous and I learned I could "go away" to a safe place inside myself and I still do it. Now the trick is to learn to control when I do it instead of it doing it to me. I am working hard on this with my T because in addition to my mother's illness, an older neighbor boy sexually abused me for several years and I also "went away" during those episodes. I do not remember usually what happens when I am "away" - although sometimes now I keep a part of my conscious self awake to keep track of what is going on around me and thus I remember bits and pieces. It is difficult going through therapy as I remember those past events - but it is worth going through it in order to recover. Good luck to you!