[iamtwilight]

getting rid of the alcoholic & abusive father & dysfunctional family is more difficult than i thought...

i can't write much. i'm moving out now with my partner. we've been carrying heavy furniture a lot. i don't want to eat. i'm cutting again. i have real bad drug & alcohol cravings. partner says it's not good for me, but who is he to say when he is drinking himself? even the smell of alcohol makes me panic.

sigh.... i should stop making this crap up, it sounds like he's ill-treating me. he tries to be good to me, but he can't read my mind and i can't speak up.

we've been talking about our relationship a lot lately and our last discussion ended with him saying "i hope there is nothing else to make this relationship difficult" but more and more things keep popping into mind. i can't speak up because i don't want to be the nagging girlfriend. i nag enugh and i'm mean to him. (snap & things)

(ie. i keep imagining he will bring his friends to our house and they will go on alcohol&/drug binges and i will have to crouch in the corner and try not to attract attention and try to ignore it like i always have to when dad is drunk)

been switching too... try to keep pretending i know what i'm doing, that everything's ok, it's just that i'm forgetful. (i'm that too, sometimes, so it's not really a lie)

eugh... i will try more later... i'm just in a tough place so i apologize for not being here to support you guys. i promise i will return to do that when the circumstances get favourable.


twilight

[Sannah]

Hi Twilight, you are moving, that is a change and it is stressful. Keep writing....

[Greg77733]

Hi, please don't get mad for what I am going to say and if it don't fit throw it away. It sounds like to me you are living a lie. You have to be true to self. In the end that is all you got. Itreally sounds like you are having to work really hard to make the realationship work. If you are, you shouldn't. If you are fighting to stay sober and he does it in front of your face,that is no respect. I read between your lines and I maybe off base, I hope so, if not get another one.

[iamtwilight]

((( Sannah & Greg )))

thanks for the replies.

greg, after reading your comment i really started to think. i feel like i am living a lie, not being true to myself like you said. but i feel it's not fair to feel that way after all he has done to me.

he is so very good to me... but sometimes he does things that make me anxious - he does not do this on purpose, and doesn't know it hurts me because i keep everything to myself. and i believe i have put him through enough hurt already (suicide attempt, psychosis, depression, crying, other difficult emotions no one should ever witness).. and even through all this crap he is still stable.

i don't even know when is mad or feeling down.

i could put more effort into this relationship... i am constantly waiting to pay him back for all the things he's done to me. it's like.. i'm afraid soon he will realise how little i have done and is going to leave me.

ahh.. i should rather discuss this with him. i want to make this relationship work so bad. he's all i've got.. and i'm still strong enough to keep holding on.

thanks,
twilight