nobody heard me

multipixie9 · Oct 11, 2008, 11:19 PM

my worst memory of abuse resurfaced thursday afternoon. it was something so barbaric i never ever imagined anyone would do what i saw and somehow involve me in it.

i told a few people i trust and instead of their usual support, they said nothing. i'm alone with the worst thing ever and i'm alone. friday i was supposed to eat with my last mentor/ friend irl. i couldn't do it and it was not the first time i'd cancelled it was the 6 or 8th I'm not sure how many times. i was afraid to go and my friend got angry with me and blamed it on my littles and said that i let them just run crazy over everything. so now i am reely alone irl and in reel time.

it feels lik my chest has concrete block on it. and i wish it would just finish squishing me. i get scared when i hurt so enormous. it feels so frightening. so much bigger than me an i dont know what comes next. i saw murder happen. i saw it i saw it i saw it an i don know wat to do now cos i wish i cud die an i don get to die jus cos i wana. i hate my life i hate my life. i hate my life i hate my life. i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate mylife i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate mylife i hate mylife i hate mylife i hate mylife i hate mylife i hatemylife ihatemylife i hatemylife i hate mylife i hate mylife i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my llife i hate my life i hate mylife i hate mylife i hate mylife i hatemylife i hatemylife i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate mylife and it feels like no one cares

kami2008 · Oct 11, 2008, 11:24 PM

((((((((multiepixie))))))) sorry i couldn't read this beyond first sentence

but i feel for you ok?

much love and hugs

cantstopcrying · Oct 11, 2008, 11:28 PM

((((((((((((((((((((((((multipixie)))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry. I wish I could take it all away for you.

Fuzzybear · Oct 12, 2008, 12:31 AM

((((((((((((((( multipixie )))))))))))))))

much love and hugs

MINIME · Oct 12, 2008, 11:32 AM

I care.....

silentandscared · Oct 12, 2008, 12:32 PM

((((((((((((((multipixie))))))))))))))))

im so sorry that things are so bad fo ryou now,
but you arenot alone we are here with you,
come to the curb honey and sit a while to help you feel safe. bad memories coming is very hard. dont worry about your friend right now just look after you and the pixies for now. take carexxxx

safe hugs

in case you need them

mandyx

CedarS · Oct 12, 2008, 01:37 PM

Kiya · Oct 12, 2008, 05:45 PM

aw hun.... sometmes there just arn't enough words. i wish i could majically make it all go away and you would be free of pain. if i had that power, i would. i would.

if you continue to hate your life - they win. i don't want them to win. they did something real bad and i don't want them to take your life too. you see? talk to t, do what you can to separate it (in the sense where a dr takes away a cancer) from you so it doesn't eat at you. you are important. you survived this long. i know this is really painfun - i also know you can get through with YOU intact. keep reaching out.
((((((((((((multipixies)))))))))))
kiya

multipixie9 · Oct 12, 2008, 06:12 PM

Thank you all for your support. Sometimes I ask for the impossible. I guess I really did want someone to come and "magically" whisk away the horror and the memory. No one can do that for me. I have come all the way from not being able to ask anyone to support me to a place where I ask more than is humanly possible. I'm sure I'll find the middle place someday.

I'm still so shocked and my littles keep repeating themselves to me about it. One time when I miscarried my only child was about 3 1/2 years old and for several days after our loss she kept coming up to me and saying, "I'm sorry your baby died mommy". After about the 12th time it got really hard to keep on saying, "I know you are honey, mommy will be ok soon, I'm just sad today." It was the old salt in a wound routine. But someone had told me when a little child is trying to get through something hard they keep repeating it until they can finish processing it and that they have to keep repeating it. So, I managed to keep reassuring her even though it was hard to do that when I was feeling so sad anyway. So, I'm trying again to remember that my little alts need to repeat things until they can work them out and that I must NOT suppress them like I used to do, I have to let them work out the pain the best they can. sorry if that took too long to say,

All of you are so kind, thank you for helping me and my scared littles begin to get through this rough patch.

(((kami2008)))
(((cantstopcrying)))
(((fuzzybear)))
(((minime)))
(((silentandscared)))
(((cedarS)))
(((kiya)))

pachyderm · Oct 12, 2008, 07:58 PM

((multi))

I can't think of any words.

Sannah · Oct 13, 2008, 08:03 AM

Leslie, you are so darned smart! You have already figured out how you are going to handle this (by realizing that children repeat things in order to process it). You just amaze me....