[allautumn]

He told me a few months ago that something happened when he was a kid. He doesn't remember if it happened more than once but he has a very clear memory of at least one time. He's not even really sure how old he was when it happened. It happened with a teenage boy that his uncle was fostering parenting. He doesn't know why he allowed it to happen, he just wasn't sure why it was happening at the time. He understands, now that he's older, what took place there after sort of blocking the whole thing out for years. I'm the only person he has ever told and the only other person that knows that this happened.
I just listened when he told me these things, and described what took place (which I won't write about). I asked gentle questions and tried to be comforting. I just didn't understand how he was acting. He was so calm when he told me, which I think had to do with the very comfortable environment. He didn't really seem upset about it, and he looked awkward when I tried to comfort him about it. I'm not sure how I was supposed to react. I'm sad that this happened to him and angry that the boy got away with what he did (he was not an adult either! But he knew better, I'm sure). I love his family, they are really good people, and I know this would be a huge shock for them. I just don't understand why he didn't tell his mom. He must have felt guilty because he participated... but he didn't even understand what he was doing at the time, he was only a kid. Maybe it didn't even occur to him to tell? I don't know how he has dealt with this for so long. I'm really glad he trusts me.
The thing is, I don't know if I should try to get him to talk to a counsellor, or suggest that he pursue the matter with his family, or what. This is the only time I've ever brought it up with anyone, and I don't intend to again. I'm just worried about him, and I don't know what I should be doing at this point. I feel bad even saying this much here, out of respect for his privacy. But I don't know if I should just let it go unless he brings it up again, or encourage him to talk to a counselor or what. I'm sure he just doesn't want to stir up anything with his family, maybe he'd just rather let sleeping dogs lie.
I am at a loss. Can anyone give me some advice? What can I do right now to help him? Should I just wait and see if he talks about it again? I try to think, what would I want my best friend to do in this situation... but I've dealt with my own stuff differently so I can't know what he needs right now. Any suggestions?

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((( allautumn ))))))))))))))) you're such a good friend.

in my opinion, this isn't one of those situation's where he talked and the "ball is now in your court". that ball should remain in his court to toss when he feels he can. in other words, he trusted you to tell you. he'll tell you more if he wants or talk to you more about it if he needs. i wouldn't ask him more, etc at this point. one thing, is his current life pretty stable? if not, i would handle this differently than i'm saying now.

i would totally leave it all up to him at this point. i might, when you think he's feeling safe, tell him that you're there for him and ask if he'd considered counseling to deal with this memory and the abuse that happened to him.

you were so wonderful to him...as a fellow survivor of childhood abuse...i want to say thank you.

be safe and let us know.

kd

[allautumn]

Thank you, Kim. My friend is doing really well. He's got a good job that he likes, and aside from stresses at work, and that he feels lonely, he's a pretty happy person. I've never known him to be self destructive. You're right that the ball is in his court, and since he's safe right now, I probably shouldn't push him at all. I guess I just don't get how he seems to deal so well with it. I'm of the mind that keeping secrets isn't good for you, but it doesn't seem to be eating him up. He's probably dealing with it a lot better than I would have, maybe that's why I don't understand. I'll just stay tuned, I guess, and make sure I'm there if he ever wants to talk about it again.
Thanks for your response!

[dalila]

I think it sounds as if he is not feeling much of anything related to the assault. Fear and pain and shame can cause the victim to block out memory of the assault, or memory of how it felt or how they felt. Telling the story is the first step. I am glad for yall that he felt safe enough to tell you. I guess the best thing is to give it time and see what comes next.

[MacD]

Because of what I am experiencing right now, I would say that shame & guilt are your friend's issues. I know that I'm having a hard time understanding my own struggles in dealing w/my abuser and I am so ashamed that I cannot seem to completely break free. Logically, I know that I should not harbor guilt or shame. I was the abused....but the resulting problems are really affecting my life right now. I'm sure that your friend is feeling some of that too. Being calm when communicating is my way of trying to "fool" my listener (and myself) into thinking that I'm really ok, when nothing could be further from the truth. Just continue to be a friend to him....obviously you are a good one.
(((((to you&your friend))))))))