Trapped **** warning: definitely contains triggers*****

I am struggling BADLY with my reaction to this awful weather here. I was stranded earlier this week because my car was buried in three feet of snow and I had no snow shovel. I decided to walk to Walmart to buy a snow shovel so I could get out when I wanted to. Half way there, the sidewalks were no longer shoveled so I had to walk on the side of the road where slush was getting kicked up on me as high as I am tall. And then, it started raining. I got to Walmart tired and soaked and cold, only to find they had no snow shovels AND I had to call a friend to come rescue me (which didn’t thrill him). The next day, I bought a snow shovel at Lowes. But the reality of winter here is setting in on me, and it doesn’t feel good. It’s much worse than the winters I am used to. And I sometimes feel trapped in my apartment, sometimes trapped in this city.

I have been thinking for several days now that I might have to cancel my therapy session Saturday due to weather, and that leaves me feeling VERY distressed. It's bad timing. I need therapy right now, and I'm feeling abandoned because I don't think I can get there.

I remember when my mom would go away for hours on end and leave us home with Dad. Oh, we hated it! I missed her and missed her and missed her. I wished she would never leave. I just wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere until she came back because she was the closest thing to safe. I would get terrible stomach aches and my dad would say “what do you want me to do about it?” I would be sad and afraid, and there was No Comfort. I was alone. And I was absolutely helpless to do anything about it. I was too little to leave and find comfort or even distraction. I had no escape. I could not get to my mom, and that was so upsetting. Dad was meaner when she was gone, and nobody was looking after us. We could get as sick or as sad as we wanted, but he wouldn’t do anything to help. Only to hurt.

*********** Next part is TRIGGERING !!! ************************


One time my sister and I accidently slipped and fell on top of our little brother, causing him to hit his mouth on the kitchen floor and split his lip very badly. My dad was mad about it, so he grabbed us girls by our hair and bashed our heads together and then dragged us up the stairs. We sat there, in this dark hallway that we were scared of, crying for mom. We were not allowed to come downstairs, even though we were afraid. And it was night time, and our upstairs always scared us at night (we were kids!). We were alone, and I was the older one. I was the “brave” one. My mom was gone for what felt like an eternity. When she got home, she had to take my brother to the doctor for stitches because my dad didn’t do that kind of thing. So we still had to wait upstairs alone, all that time while Mom was at the doctor. Dad was downstairs standing guard, not letting us come down, because he thought we were bad. No chance to defend ourselves, and no hope for safety or comfort. Only a very bad headache and two scared little girls with sad hearts. We didn’t do anything wrong.

I can’t get to my therapist. I am stuck. I am trapped and scared. It isn’t safe to drive in this weather. I have to stay here. Knowing that, in itself, is enough to make me miss her like I missed my mom.



Anybody know what I mean??

*hugs*

Being snowed in always makes me jittery. It was always at the holiday times that things would get really bad, my dad drinking too much, my mom retreating to her room in the basement. It always made me feel trapped, like there was nowhere I could flee if things got really bad.

Even now, almost 15 years later, I still get irritable and edgy when it snows.

I try to pick up a craft or neglected hobby to distract myself... like knitting or quilting or scrapbooking, etc. These days, I have the internet to explore. And now I have this forum to visit. Keep talking, hon. I know what you mean. It's so sad that those terrible things happened to you. But we're all here to keep you company.

Obsidian

I know what you mean, Angela. I'd like to be able to be there and help those scared little kids who didn't do anything wrong, and were stuck at home with a dad who sounds so frustrated and not able to cope either.

Maybe the weather will improve enough for you to go to your therapy this week. If it doesn't, see what she can work out with you. I know it's not the same, but remember we're here if you need us too. I'd be here on Saturday to talk to you if I could, but I do have tonight, Friday night, and Sunday afternoon (unless I get switched and get the morning off instead, but it doesn't seem likely - who knows!)

That trapped feeling is so frustrating, and even worse when it feels like those memories of when you were little and had fewer options than you do now.

I'm reading the thread, but did want to remind eveyone to remember to continue the 'trig' post icon on their replies. Luv ya'll....

(((((Sky))))))

Was my reply triggering?

Sweetpea - Let us know how you're doing today, K? Hope you are feeling safer. Auntie.

I'm ok. I just am in such a weird place right now. I really appreciate everyone's replies.

I heard from T. She says we can talk on the phone Saturday if I can't get there, and maybe we can get a session in next weekend instead. The phone call won't be as good as seeing her, but it it also won't be as bad as not getting to talk.

Now new snow yesterday and none so far today, that's the bright side. So maybe the weather will continue to improve enough that I dare chance the drive. I don't know.

I'm depressed. Thanks for asking

P.S. I dug my car out of three feet of snow yesterday all by myself and that made me feel very "macho" (And very happy since there was no new snow to bury it in yesterday). It also helped me feel somewhat less trapped Today, it's helping me feel aching muscles all the way from my calves to my stomach to my arms! lol! But those are aching muscles that know they earned that achy feeling doing some dang hard work!!

So life isn't all bad

I'm glad you dug your way out in more ways than one! Darn it all if exercise isn't actually good for us! Dang it all!!! I did so hope someone would discover that sitting under a comforter was a cure all..... hrrrumph!

Did you ever see Sleeper? Woody Allen is frozen, and defrosted way in the future. Turns out that in the future they have learned that hot fudge sundae's really ARE good for us!!

Hugs, emmsky

You guys!!!! I can't believe it but the forecast changed just TODAY! I am going to make it to therapy after all!

Oh this is so good!

I'm so glad you're going to be able to make it to therapy Angela. I've read how much it upset you to think you couldn't go.

((((((((((((((Angela))))))))))))))

Take winter precautions (blanket, water, food, chains, radio, flashlight, etc) just in case.

Glad to hear honey.

I'll be thinking of you on drive while you think a good thought for my pup along your drive..........ok?

(((((((((((Angela)))))))))) you have lots of support in so many places

Angela, I'm so glad for you. I hope it goes well and you travel home safely.

((((((((((((((((((((((Angela))))))))))))))))))))))

Change that list....cellphone, flashlight, blankie, good book, chocolate.

Drive safely!!

Auntie

Tks everyone! I will be well-stocked for the trip

Love lots!
Angela

So, how'd it go?? How was your drive? Are you safe and sound at home? We need an Angie Update!

Auntie

Angela, sweetie where are you, is all ok

Angie

SweetC posted an update on General. She's just ducky!

It went well. Good weather all the way. I had a pretty good session, although painful in parts.

Angie, sorry I forgot to give y'all the heads up!