[nightdream]

I don't want people around me to hurt. This is really important to me. I can't stand it when they are hurting.

But lately I'm having a hard time pretending. Pretending I'm happy. I have a hard time to put a fake smile on my face. I have a hard time to bring joy in my home. I don't want to answer my phone or answer the door. I don't want to go out. I want to be alone all the time. And this is hurting others around me. They want me to be there for them but I don't want to be. I want to be lelt alone.

I think I want to be left alone because I don't want to be more hurt. I have no more place inside for it. I want to hide. Feel safe.

I have a hard time pretending and because of it I'm hurting others.

nightdream

[Cassandra]

I'm sorry you are so sad. That all sounds like depression to me, and you are sinking. Save yourself... you need to help you before you can give to others and it sounds like your reserves are low right now. Please take care of ((((((You)))))).

[MacD]

hang on - you are loved!

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((((nightdream)))))))))))))))))))))

Love,
Fuzzy

[vacantangel]

nightdream, we are very similiar. I can't bear to see anybody hurting, I want to take their pain away, take it on myself so that they will be free from it. It's not that I like the pain myself, because far from it, it tears me apart but because I personally know how much it hurts, I don't want to see others suffer. I try with all I've got to not hurt anyone but inevitably, it will happen anyway and when it does, it crushes me. I can't bear the thought that I could possibly cause someone else to feel hurt. I'm working on this in therapy right now.

I also like to isolate myself and be alone. I've been doing this now since 2001. My family wants me to go out, but I don't feel right outside my *comfort zone* of my home. I live alone with my 2 cats. I've missed lots of family functions, including holidays. This never sits well with them but I think they are at the point with me that they almost expect it and are shocked if I actually attend. When I'm with people, I still feel alone. If I'm at a crowded grocery store, etc, I have a panic attack. I have virtually shut myself off from the outside world. However; I am the complete opposite online. I crave compansionship and friends. I reach out to people that I think I could feel comfortable with. This has not always worked out and I have been hurt online MANY times. Then I usually build my walls again on the net but recently on another board I ran into a *situation* that resulted in me getting a one week block, which I and several others felt was undeserved. The other person who offended me, walked away with nothing. Up to this point, my walls were up, I was determined to not let anybody into my heart. I did not want to be hurt again. But a couple of people *really* reached out to me and my walls started to crumble and then to my amazement, I received an overwhelming amount of support from the posters there who felt that I was treated unfairly and fought on my behalf. How could I possibly keep my walls up when all these people that I didn't even know were fighting for me. Unfortunately, it involved quite a lot of people and for some it got to be too much but they didn't blame me, although I did. But the good thing is is that I made some really good friends during that and a couple I'm very close with now.

I'm not sure why I'm totally different online than I am IRL, because to me, the hurt can be just as strong if not stronger but yet online I don't want to be alone. My computer is my lifeline to the world around me. However; I have learned that I simply can not have any kind of relationship with anybody in the *normal* world. It just doesn't work for me. So therefore; IRL, I am a virtual recluse with no plans of changing that any time soon.

I'm not sure if I just was rambling or if you see any similiarities between yourself and me. Are you different online than you are IRL?

nightdream,

I wish for the day when none of us have to 'pretend' and we can just be. I also wish for a reprieve from this unrelenting darkness that is hounding you. This disease is the worst!!

I wish you felt safe. I wish you had a good place to hide.

I wish you didn't have to pretend and could just be how you are and have that be good enough for everyone around.

If I were there I'd build you a fort in your living room to hide in. I'm an accomplished fort builder both metaphorically and sofa cushion and sheet wise!

[nightdream]

Thank you so much for your replies and caring.

I think that I'm very tired physically and emotionaly. I never feel safe to say aything or do anything. Even here among you all where I know you will do your best to not hurt me, I still feel unsafe. I'm very tired and I would like to hide from this world.

Again thank you!
nightdream