[Berries]

It's been 3 years since my "abusive" relationship ended.

I use quotes, because sometimes I wonder if it really was "abusive" or not.
Can anyone relate to that?
I mean it wasn't physical, so I didn't have bruises or broken bones to prove it.
Maybe I was just oversensitive?
Before the relationship, I always hated it when people were mad at me and would go overboard to avoid that.
I was always a really, really bad worrier—about everything.
In the relationship, I spent every day 24/7 doing stuff to avoid pissing her off or triggering her anger. Not that it was successful.
But, maybe I did all that worrying and all those things (taking care of her needs) because of some sicko need in me and not for "survival"

Cause I certainly abuse myself now. And it's been 3 years 'free and clear' of her. She never even tried to get me back, after the first week of phone calls and letters she gave up and never looked back (thank god!!!!!)

I worry and do obsessive stuff 24/7 now.

My T says, yes but then it was "real". Now it's OCD.

Maybe I just made it all up????? Maybe she wasn't even abusive???? Maybe I have just always been OCD?????

[madisgram]

i could really relate to the part where you said you worried a lot. i used to not be able to stop the repititious thought/worrying. it consumed me. sometimes now something will trigger that worrying. it's usually for me when i think someone is mad at me for something i've done or not done and they are unhappy with me...or reject me..what i do now tho is realize i have no control of others and how they feel or perceive things. that realization has helped me a lot. yeah, i still worry over things but i do try to divert that worrying into a fruitful task...like mopping the floor,taking a brisk walk, helping someone else. that takes the focus off me.
as for the "abuse" you mentioned, i was physiclly and emotionally abused. i don't feel either is worse than the other. i can say this with conviction since i experienced both. i can also relate to doing everything humanly possible to not piss off my abuser. and you're right, it doesn't always work out to avoid being abused. i felt like i was walking on egg shells all of the time. i'm glad you are free of that situation. no one deserves to be abused for any reason at all. imho, if one feels abused, then they probably are.

[melissa1202]

i believe if you think you were abused then you were. I have been both physically and emotionally abused and both are very hard to handle. Please keep your head up, it sounds as if you are getting better. Baby steps is all we can do to overcome our experiences. Hugs!

[Sannah]

Lbien, I know what you are saying. I had an emotionally abusive friend when I was growing up. Looking back I just didn't stand up for myself so she wasn't as bad as how I contributed to it. Doesn't matter, though. This was my experience. I think that it was helpful to see how I contributed to it though. When you see how you contribute to it it is empowering because it means that you aren't simply a victim of others.