[chaotic13]

Septembermorn's post from the Pandor'a Aquarium site kind of led me back to this site. I had visited it a year ago...but now I am back again.

My therapy is going well at the moment. My anxiety has lowered considerably. And I'm talking more comfortably "at the moment." We've been dealing with my response and avoidance to touch, but I'm not sure if my T really gets what is causing it... Or maybe she gets it; but she is just trying to get me to raise it or acknowledge it. I don't know...just wish if the latter is true she'd stop playing the "Well what do you think this means game?" I'm probably not making sense.

Anyway, I think I need to talk about this issue but for the past 3 months... I just cannot seem to raise it. Thought someone else here might recognize a few of these, be at a place where you are trying to get yourself to believe the author, and might like to know you're not alone.

http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=87708

I hope the reason I am putting this out there is a positive one. I've been feeling really good lately and not sure if I should be rocking the boat. I hope its because I need to, in order to deal with this. Then again it could be my version of psychological sexual self-injury stirring up trouble again because I am feeling OK and "I can't handle being OK". ---self doubt is great isn't it!

[deliquesce]

thank you for sharing the link, chaotic.

i read through all of that. actually, i started reading through all of that. i was relieved, because i didn't recognise most of the points listed there in myself. and then about 3/4 of the way down, it all started to hit home. oh god. so i admit i just skimmed the rest.

i am with you on not handling being ok. i want to go back to that site and read through it properly, but a part of me is uncertain if i am doing it for reassurance and growth, or for "psychological self-injury", like you said.

i haven't really addressed any of the "you" issues in your post - i will come back tomorrow when i'm thinking straight again and do so. in the meantime, sending you lots of safe hugs >> .

[chaotic13]

Thanks deliquese. I am still unsettled after allowing myself to go here. Even though I put the trigger tag on it, I probably shouldn't have posted it. There is no benefit to be gained from connecting to these feelings.

[chaotic13]

Just wanted say...I went here yesterday. I couldn't do it live, my brain went blank and voice went silent. But after my session I couldn't stand holding my thoughts on this topic any longer and emailed the page link and a short reflection the items I'm having difficulty with to my T. I have no idea how this information was received, if I've officially confirmed that I AM the evil, dirty,little, *****, I sometimes think I am, if this disclosure has changed my interaction with my T, even if I still have a T anymore. All I know at this point is...I disclosed. I pushed the send button. I'm still breathing, so... I'm a SURVIVOR. I lived through the abuse and all the negative fallout up until now... guess I'll eventually deal with this fallout too.