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#1
Feb 15, 2009, 10:51 AM
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I recently found out that my abuser (step-grandfather) died. As soon as I read those words in my email I was rushed with emotion. Some of which I feel bad for feeling.
My first feeling was "Thank God!".....then I got full of other feelings. I was angry for not being able to tell him how much I hate him, how ugly he is inside and out, how much he destroyed my life and how much I wanted him to feel everything I felt over and over again. I got sad for losing my "grandfather", even if he was my abuser. I got happy because I don't have to worry about him being there, doing things to other little kids. I was confused because I still don't think that side of the family believes me. My dad believed me at first, but then my step-mom convinced him otherwise. I was hopeful that if he had done anything with any other kids in the family, that they would come forward knowing they were not in any danger. The family posted a website dedicated to him. There were pictures of him with kids from the family and a couple with me in them. There was one where I was sitting on his lap with my dog next to us....I felt so sick to my stomach! I have dissociation so when I see that picture, I know it's "me", but I don't have the feelings of him doing anything to "me"....he did it to "that poor innocent child"...if that makes any sense. Anyways, I could go on and on...I just needed to get some of this out. Sometimes it just feels good to get it all out of my head!
__________________
"The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open."  Don’t look where you fall, but where you slipped. 
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#2
Feb 16, 2009, 09:56 AM
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__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
 onlymedid
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#3
Feb 17, 2009, 06:38 AM
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thank you for having the courage to post about your step-grandfather.
it must be difficult for you. imho i'd just stay away from that website altogether. it only beings back the abuse you endured done by him. do u have a t that you can discuss your feelings about this with? if so perhpas, he/she can help you get to a better understanding of how to cope with your feelings about him and "put him to rest." i was able to get past the feelings of abuse for the most part through therapy. i hope the same happens to you. my life now does not center around the abuse but replaced with good things in my life.
__________________
Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand |
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#4
Feb 17, 2009, 07:21 AM
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Madisgram, Yes I do have a T. I told her about it, but at that time I just sort of shrugged it off....like in shock or something. It's only now really affecting me. I haven't been back to the site since the first time...I can't believe I went the first time! I would love to be able to replace the abuse with good things in life. Hopefully I will get to that point!
Thank you for caring!
__________________
"The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open." Don’t look where you fall, but where you slipped.
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#5
Feb 26, 2009, 12:54 AM
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My thoughts are with you
... try not to focus upon what could have been. It wasn't possible - try to let him and those feelings go. Very best wishes to you, onlymedid !Shez |
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