[bellaviolet]

i've told my story here before but it's been awhile... was sexually abused by a neighbor when i was 12-13. the neighbor was also friends with my dad. when my dad found out what happened, a few years later, he didn't do anything about it. he even stayed friends with the neighbor and said the guy needed "spiritual guidance". well my dad's reaction was more damaging to me than what the neighbor did because it made me feel like what happened to me was ok, just no big deal. like i wasn't worth defending or avenging or anything. since then i've had serious self-esteem issues. most of the time i just don't care about myself all that much.

my dad died in 97 and i have had a very hard time forgiving him. last year my sister told me she saw the neighbor's obit and while i was glad he was finally dead (mostly because i finally knew he couldn't abuse anyone else ever again), i found i didn't harbor nearly as much anger toward him as toward my dad, who in pretty much every other aspect was a good loving father. i was a late child and i think my dad, who was about 70 when this happened and even older when he found out, just didn't want to wrap his head around it or deal with it.

it's very hard for me because i want to forgive my father, and remember all the good things about him instead of always dwelling on that bad thing. but it's very hard for me to let it go. how do i do it? i can say it without a problem: my dad wasn't an awful terrible person. i know he loved me very much. did he screw up? yeah, big time. but i know he never meant to hurt me like that. he just wasn't wired to cope with what happened. so why can't i just let it go finally? it's been over 20 years since this happened.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by bellaviolet

since then i've had serious self-esteem issues. most of the time i just don't care about myself all that much.

so why can't i just let it go finally?

Because you are still suffering the effects of what happened (decreased self-esteem)?

[Luce]

Sometimes both things are real, and are able to exist at the same time. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

I bet your dad was a wonderful father in many ways. Maybe you can remember a whole lot of fun times and special moments with him. Perhaps he taught you some very valuable lessons that you will always cherish and hold dear to your heart.

In this one area tho - where you were vulnerable and hurt and needed him to step up to the plate and validate and defend you - he let you down. He let you down big time, and it sounds like it hurt you in many, many profound ways. In this one area, he was not able to be the father you needed him to be.

Maybe it's okay to not forgive him for that.
AND maybe it's okay to cherish the special memories of your father too.
Both things were part of your life, part of your history.
Both are real.

[Christina86]

It's hard to forgive those who are supposed to protect us and love us, especially in situations like this.

My therapist told me that you don't necessarily have to "forgive" those involved... except for yourself. Coming to terms with stuff is hard... and sometimes it's easier to hate a "safe" person rather than someone else... so maybe you're still mad at the person who abused you, but it's safer to be mad with your father first. I know that's the way it is for me... but even if that isn't the case, it takes time to get through the emotional crap to deal with stuff. Me? I hate waiting. But I know it's gotta happen. Right now it sounds like you're trying to rationalize everything rather than feeling it... you're trying to tell yourself "but he wasn't a bad person" but that he still didn't really protect you and validate you for this situation. It's hard... I wish I had the answers to share.

[Hunny]

Bellaviolet (Beautiful Violet) How lovely!

You don't mention if you have had therapy about this abuse or if you are in therapy.

Really, your Dad is/was dead wrong
Really, you neighbour abused you
Really, you need to stop being in denial
Really, if you don't get real it will plague you forever!

Really, forgiveness has absolutely nothing to do with it. That is a lie from the pit. It stops you from seeing the reality of what was what. Granting forgiveness is a smokescreen to dealing with the abuse.

When I'm plagued with the idea to forgive and I do mean plagued, I defer to the words: "Father forgive them for they know not what they do". Not even He said: "I forgive you" to humanity. He deferred it to the Father.

Respectfully,
Ice

[bellaviolet]

thanks for all the replies...

to sannah... yes, horrible self-esteem still. but part of me feels like i should be able to get past it after all this time. like, i recognize the cause of it, so why can't i change it. grrrr....

to luce - your post hit close to home. part of the problem is my siblings... they don't want to remember my dad that way so they say i need to let it go. like "you know he loved you" and "is that all that matters" and "was he really such an awful terrible person" and that kind of thing. one of my brothers is more understanding and will let me talk to him about it (he was also the only person who really seemed to be angry and wanted to do something when the abuse happened, but he was young too), but my older sister won't listen at all and my older brother claims he didn't even know about this until last year and says, "ok, he was wrong. can we move on now?" and i'm torn between wanting validation and feeling like a whiny brat.

christina - i think i'm angrier with my father because he was the one that was supposed to protect me. the neighbor was just a disgusting old man i didn't like much even before he ever touched me. my dad was my dad, who told me i was beautiful every day, and told me stories, and bragged to his friends about how smart and talented i was. it made me feel like he was a fraud somehow. like all the good stuff was just a bunch of crap. i was still glad when the neighbor finally died though. good riddance.

ice - have talked to t about this. she says i've every right to be angry no matter what anyone thinks. but i'm tired of every time i have some positive memory of my dad i can't just enjoy it. there's always that shadow there. i just want to be able to reconcile the anger with the love. because i'm always going to love him no matter what. and i don't want those bad memories of bad things tainting the rest of my life. i don't want it to have that power over me forever.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by bellaviolet

my dad's reaction was more damaging to me than what the neighbor did because it made me feel like what happened to me was ok, just no big deal. like i wasn't worth defending or avenging or anything. since then i've had serious self-esteem issues.

Originally Posted by bellaviolet

to sannah... yes, horrible self-esteem still. but part of me feels like i should be able to get past it after all this time. like, i recognize the cause of it, so why can't i change it. grrrr....

i'm torn between wanting validation and feeling like a whiny brat.

my dad, who told me i was beautiful every day, and told me stories, and bragged to his friends about how smart and talented i was. it made me feel like he was a fraud somehow. like all the good stuff was just a bunch of crap.

Bella, recognizing the cause of the low self-esteem is the first step but not the only step. You haven't worked through this issue yet either. Working through this will help I would think. Improving your self esteem is a step by step process and everyone is different.

I can see how your father's actions would make you feel worthless. Now your siblings arent' validating how it hurt you. I would think that this would just compound your feelings of worthlessness because they cannot see how it affected you. I can see how this would all keep your self esteem low.

You cannot change your siblings or change the past of course. What helped me was to reconcile how I was treated by my mom (which never changed and which left me with low self worth). Your situation is different, everyone's is, but I think that you can reconcile this in your mind. Some families just don't outwardly value any member in it very much (they never learned that each individual is precious). They learned this because how they were treated. If no one in your family was taught that people are precious how would they have ever learned it? Because they never learned to really appreciate others, this doesn't mean that no one was precious in your family...........???????????????? So, you were treated as less than precious concerning this one issue but this in no way means that you are not precious..........

[shezbut]

Hi bellaviolet,

This is my final attempt to respond. My other 2 disappeared after much time & thought put into response - ugh So, I'll try to make this post a little shorter.

You have every reason to feel hurt by your father, and now 2 of your siblings. Everyone is human - we all have weaknesses and strengths - but you deserve empathy and support! Your perception of the issue being swept aside by your father when you seriously needed his support is incredibly painful. Maybe your father had a different perspective, we don't know, and it doesn't matter anyway. You are his child. You're certainly more important than his buddy next door! The issue should have been worked through appropriately, but it wasn't.

The issue will stay until it is worked through. It may have been 20 years, but that pain is fresh inside your mind and heart now. It's part of who you are. Until your older brother and sister validate the pain that you've gone through, and make attempts at repairing your relationship, that pain will still be there.

Personally, I'd recommend that the four of you get together to talk about the sexual abuse by the neighbor. Approach it as gently and as personally (about YOU) as possible. Your younger brother may be a good one to bring up what he saw happening with you - the very emotional part. Your brother's recollection of events support your feelings. That is great, because he can approach the part about your father not supporting you & your older siblings will probably be more willing to hear his perspective than yours at that point. Once they seem to have a grasp on the issue, then you can bring up the low self-esteem effects that the entire event had (be sure to mention how common this is).

No guarantees that it will work. But it is certainly worth trying. I wish you the very best ~ hugs to you!
Shez

Everone =

Bella,

It's so hard to try and explain what it's like to be abused to people it didn't happen to.

It's like trying to describe what a lemon tastes like to someone who's never tasted one.

If you're going to talk to them, be prepared that they might not get it at all.

I had a lot of similar issues with my mother and when her lung cancer came back, those issues kept surfacing and I was spinning because I didn't want whatever time she had left to be clouded with all that yucky stuff. I wanted to get past it SO BAD so that I could forgive her and not carry that resentment with me for the rest of my life, and I wanted to be as kind to her as I could without it getting in the way.

This may seem simple to you but it worked. My p-doc suggested I stop looking at her as "my mother" who made a lot of mistakes and bad judgement calls.

Instead, she suggested I look at her as a woman who just told me her entire life story along with all the crap she went through and all the baggage she carried around. Would I find compassion for this woman? Would I put my arms around this woman and comfort her?

It truly turned my whole perspective around. Did I still harbor bad feelings? Sure. They never completely go away because my "little kid" was so wounded. But the adult me began to see her as another human being with her share of flaws and mistakes etc., who just happened to me my mom.

((((((((orange)))))))))))))))) and (((all)))))))))))))))))))))))
you said ((((Instead, she suggested I look at her as a woman who just told me her entire life story along with all the crap she went through and all the baggage she carried around. Would I find compassion for this woman? Would I put my arms around this woman and comfort her?

It truly turned my whole perspective around. Did I still harbor bad feelings? Sure. They never completely go away because my "little kid" was so wounded. But the adult me began to see her as another human being with her share of flaws and mistakes etc., who just happened to me my mom)))))))))

so very true
and we all would find the compassion in our hearts imo
muffy

[Sannah]

I agree with Orange, trying to get family, the dysfunctional family that you came from, to understand and take corrective action is usually a waste of time. The best investment for your time is to work on yourself and get healed.......... (unless you are a minor then it is very worth a shot at telling your parents)........