[Elysium]

I don't talk much about what happened....hardly ever. Part of me wants to scream it....the other part of me thinks that no one wants to hear me whine about my family problems because you all have your own.

I can feel the echos of pain inside of me coming from somewhere deep, yet when I am in therapy, I can't get to the emotions...they won't come. I get nervous and I start to dissociate and then I go numb. Can't even get close, and I don't understand it because I have heard from so many people that have had it worse than me. How can I be such a baby?

Did I also mention that I consistently invalidate myself too....

I have told my therapist about these things that have happened to me. I stated them matter of factly, skirted by them, and just moved on. I have never been able to really deal with the emotion of it all. I have never been able to get there.

I question whether I will ever be able to.

This is all I can say about this right now....

[Pomegranate]

Elysium

This was a very good start! You are quite capable at writing out your thoughts and feelings. Perhaps that's what you should do - when you ARE feeling certain things, write it down. Then, when ever you feel safe enough, you can read it back to your therapist. Or maybe just tell him/her that you don't feel comfortable enough yet to read this aloud but you would like him to read it. You want her to know how you feel but aren't able to do that during therapy yet.

You are brave and you aren't whining.

[Sannah]

Have you told your therapist that you want to access your feelings? Does she know that you dissociate when you try?

Originally Posted by Elysium3006

I don't talk much about what happened....hardly ever. Part of me wants to scream it....the other part of me thinks that no one wants to hear me whine about my family problems because you all have your own.

I can feel the echos of pain inside of me coming from somewhere deep, yet when I am in therapy, I can't get to the emotions...they won't come. I get nervous and I start to dissociate and then I go numb. Can't even get close, and I don't understand it because I have heard from so many people that have had it worse than me. How can I be such a baby?

Did I also mention that I consistently invalidate myself too....

I have told my therapist about these things that have happened to me. I stated them matter of factly, skirted by them, and just moved on. I have never been able to really deal with the emotion of it all. I have never been able to get there.

I question whether I will ever be able to.

This is all I can say about this right now....

You are NOT a baby! It's hard work to get to the feelings. Your pain is just as big as anyone's. Please don't invalidate or minimize your experiences. You are important.
You will be able to get in to this with your T. It takes time, and trust and lots of patience. It will happen.

[Elysium]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Have you told your therapist that you want to access your feelings? Does she know that you dissociate when you try?

Yeah...I don't really want to because I'm terrified that these feelings will kill me if I let them out, but I know I need to.

I think my T can tell that I dissociate with this stuff and I think she is being very cautious with me because I don't have very much middle ground between stable and not stable so if we get to close to something to fast, I tend to take a nose dive quite quickly. We have done some EMDR with some of this and I'm not sure if it helped to process these experiences like it is said to or if it just successfully brought them closer to the surface.

I DO trust my T...more than I trust anyone else, yet I am having great difficulty allowing myself to be vulnerable enough around her to get to these traumas. It has NEVER been safe for me to be so vulnerable around another person, and I have ALWAYS gotten hurt by someone when I allowed this. I don't know how to fix this.

[Sannah]

You have to find your own way with this. I am glad that you trust your T. Keep working on it and please keep us informed!