step forward

Apr 13, 2009, 12:20 PM

for the first time, i was completely open with my therapist and told him things i never thought id tell anyone
and i realized something in doing so,
he didnt scream, he didnt hurt me, he didnt leave me, he didnt do anything i had thought he would do, he said okay and said we will work it out and things will be alright and he was glad i had talked
i feel shaky and nervous and ill, therapy is more intense, i feel uncertain but accepting at the same time. everything is harder now but this is how it has to be
i have to isolate a bit right now, i have to sort things out on my own and changes are being made, but i think for the first time in a very long time i think ive made some progress
and it feels good to know that i was wrong, that my dad was wrong, that they were wrong, not everyone will abandon me or hurt me, being honest or needing help doesnt always equal bad
im an adult with no real friends, no real goals, no real answers but im making progress, i think that counts for something, wouldnt say im happy or proud, it hurts like hell, it all hurts like hell, but im trying

pegasus · Apr 13, 2009, 12:35 PM

That is a huge step forward! And now you are on the road to true healing!

Hugs to you ((((((( Griffe )))))))

cantstopcrying · Apr 13, 2009, 12:37 PM

Griffe!!! I'm crying, I am so happy. What a huge huge step!!!

Capp · Apr 13, 2009, 02:06 PM

(((Griffe)))
Thank you for sharing...
It took courage to post with such honesty and hope showing through your words.

Peace and Power,
Cap

sabby · Apr 13, 2009, 04:26 PM

(((((((((( Griffe ))))))))))))

I am so proud of you!!! I think this is the best and most positive post about yourself that I have seen!!! You bet it's hard....it hurts....it's scary.....but it is soooooooo worth going through to get to your goal of better health, better functioning, better self esteem.....etc etc etc.

You Rock Griffe!

sabby

Fuzzybear · Apr 13, 2009, 06:36 PM

((((((((((((((( Griffe )))))))))))))))))

I'm so happy for you, thanks for sharing this!!

Apr 13, 2009, 07:27 PM

I'm really happy you took such a big step forward
(((((Griffe)))))

Pomegranate · Apr 14, 2009, 10:38 AM

Quote:

im an adult with no real friends, no real goals, no real answers but im making progress, i think that counts for something, wouldnt say im happy or proud, it hurts like hell, it all hurts like hell, but im trying

That sounds like something I could have written at one time in the past, and often still feel. I get better a little bit at a time, sometimes it's one step forward, 2 back, but I just kept going.

You sound like you are feeling a bit of hope.

I'm happy for you.

Sannah · Apr 14, 2009, 01:01 PM

Griffe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your post makes me sssssssssssoooooooooooo happy! Griffe, I have tears in my eyes!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOOD WORK!!!!!!!!!!

Angel53 · Apr 14, 2009, 02:47 PM

You give strength to those of us who have yet to open up about our own abuses. Thank you for sharing your strength with us. You're going to be okay, I think. Your on the way to recovery.

Apr 19, 2009, 10:57 AM

thank you everyone

it hurts like hell, being open, being honest, accepting and trying to understand... puts me on the right road i know but god does it hurt right now

sabby · Apr 19, 2009, 11:01 AM

((((((((((( Griffe )))))))))))))

sabby

Sannah · Apr 19, 2009, 11:20 AM

I'm sorry that it hurts so much Griffe! Getting it out will feel better in the long run, though!

It's like an investment. It will pay off later.........

Capp · Apr 19, 2009, 11:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Griffe

thank you everyone

it hurts like hell, being open, being honest, accepting and trying to understand... puts me on the right road i know but god does it hurt right now

Griffe...
Your words remind me of when I started dealing with my own stuff.
It was awful; I couldn't go back and I was darn afraid of going forward. I was in the middle of a raging river and knew, just knew, I was going to be swept away to an even worse place.
It turned out to be a much better place...

Cap

Apr 19, 2009, 02:19 PM

Wishing you well

Apr 20, 2009, 08:43 AM

thanks ..

fear of going forward but I know I cant go back

I've made myself vulnerable and I feel so alone, need something but dunno what ..

cantstopcrying · Apr 20, 2009, 08:50 AM

how about a hug? ((((((((((((((((((((((((vince))))))))))))))))))))))

swwalsh2003 · Apr 20, 2009, 08:58 AM

That is an awesome step.....

things will get easier as time goes on. I think that telling someone is the hardest step, now you can work on it with the help of your t.

Great job..

Take care

Steve

Capp · Apr 20, 2009, 09:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Griffe

thanks ..

fear of going forward but I know I cant go back

I've made myself vulnerable and I feel so alone, need something but dunno what ..

Griffe,
Jme, but feeling alone was recognition that I was indeed walking a solitary path...it took awhile before I saw my fellow travelers on their paths.
Solitary yes, but parallel paths.

Feeling vulnerable is akin to stripping away the layers of self preservation we use to survive...and, yes, each one hurts when it is yanked off. We cannot see that it is progress; it hurts too much.

Something my father said to me, and right now I cannot quote it word for word, but the meaning is still there...
"At first the wound is raw and painful. Slowly the scab begins to cover it, it falls off in its' own good time. We are left with a scar, prominent and we feel it's disfiguring. It fades and becomes part of who we are; it does not define us."

Trusting you are on the mend when your heart and spirit hurt so badly is stepping out in courage. That step may be an itty-bitty one, but it is a valuable step.

We Care
Please keep posting,

Cap

Sannah · Apr 20, 2009, 10:17 AM

If I remember correctly you have always felt alone. Keep going and you will learn how to not be alone anymore. You won't learn it where you are, you have to keep going..............

Fear is so common Griffe. We have all felt it. Facing your fears is how they go away, though. Fear and anticipation of the unknown is the worst! When the unknown becomes known, however, we look back and wonder why we feared it so much!

I like what Capp said about stripping away the defense mechanisms. They have to be removed to put something else there that is healthier in its place. In the interrim it feels like crap, though.

Apr 20, 2009, 09:07 PM

rant sry

i just wonder of all this pain is worth it. if i try to push forward and progress, it kills me. if i don't, it kills me. no matter what i do, what i try, it will hurt. the sting, the burn, the feelings don't go away. the pain doesn't go away.

is it worth it? i don't know. i realize how messed up i am and how much i have to push forward. it's not fair. it's not fair that i was born into hell, born into a past i will never be able to escape and i have to deal with the consequences of all of that every day of my life. it's not fair that i have to jump at the shadows and fear the dark, that i have to scream when i hear certain sounds and throw up when i think about certain things, that i have to curl up and hide when i feel their sick hands smothering me again

i've always felt alone but it hits me harder and harder. i see how isolated i am. i try to reach out but it doesn't matter- i don't have people who miss me when i am gone, i don't have the comfort i need. i don't have real friends, i don't feel real. i'm learning such basic things, or trying to: trust, friendship, basic things that any child would know... i'm an adult and i'm learning to be human. it's pathetic and sad. it's depressing how ****ed up i am.

moving forward, progress, i know i'm whining sorry but i need to. flashbacks hit bad. truth hits bad. people i used to know all moved onw ithout me. i really am alone pretty much. thank god i have kate.

it all hits bad. sorry to post.

Apr 20, 2009, 09:41 PM

Don't be sorry! Rant as long as you have to if it makes you feel better

It is unfair that you were born into a hell and now have to suffer through all of the consequences today. And it does hurt a lot to try and move forward. It hurts like hell. But in the end it is worth it. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't believe me...because we are just in two different places, but I say it as a person who would like to think she is your friend and as a person who cares about you and as a person that would miss you if you go away and as a person who has seen other people who are farther along in the healing process that it is definitely worth it. I'm not going to lie: it's slow, and it's painful, but in the end you end up with a lot less hurt then you would have had you not done anything.

I'm sure you probably already know this, but I would like to say that the only reason why children know things like friendship and trust and stuff like that was because they were born in a place where they got the things to learn them. You weren't so you have to learn it later. It's sad that you weren't born into a loving family so you didn't learn those things until now, yes, but it doesn't make you less then anybody else. Heck, I have a lot of issues with trust, attachments and insecurities and the worst I've been through is bullying! I used to emotionally isolate myself from pretty much every other human being...even family, I thought everyone in this world was rotten... but somewhere along the line I hit a turning point where I started reaching out and thankfully got positive reactions. BUT that was only after some years after this point when I developed a few close friendships. And that was with stuff that is way, way, way, less severe then yours (if you grew up in hell then I grew up mildly discomforted by athletes foot) so it's understandable that it may take you a long time to develop trusts in people and be able to make healthy attachments, and that it would be more difficult. Just be very patient with yourself (I know you are trying, and I know from experience patience with yourself is very hard...I'm still trying to learn it myself).

You know...it sounds really weird, but isolation can be a good thing. from the sounds of some of your posts some of the friends you made earlier in life weren't really friends...so if they move on in their life that means you can move on and make new and better friends!

...it's way easier said then done but once it is done it has some wonderful benefits for everyone involved

miray · Apr 20, 2009, 10:22 PM

Griffy..........what a wonderful step you have made!!! I'm so very very happy for you and wish you the best. You know a lot of times they say it gets worse before it gets better....but you have taken such a large step....you can do this

Pomegranate · Apr 21, 2009, 09:49 AM

Griffe

We have to suffer so much, for so long, because of what our abusers did wrong to us. It's not fair at all.

Sannah · Apr 21, 2009, 10:07 AM

Griffe, I'm glad that you got that out. It is so important to get stuff out like that.

You are right. There is nothing fair about it!

You are working so hard! The pain will lessen. I am so sorry that you have to go through it!

The good thing, though, Griffe is that you are learning! I had to learn all of these basic things too as an adult. Please try to focus a bit on these positive things that you are learning. One day the balance will tip and you will have more positives than negatives and you will keep chipping away at the negatives until they are only memories without the emotional baggage. This is what expressing all the pain is about because with expression it will lessen and leave you. I am so much lighter today than I used to be because I expressed all that baggage and got rid of it.

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