[Merlin]

I've done a fair amount of work over the years, both with T's and by myself and am not triggered very often anymore about the abuse. It is nice, but it's an incomplete recovery.

I lost the innate ability to trust people, it's a deliberate act now and a very difficult one. I was just wondering how others experienced it. I'd like to make clear that the Friends and Family were not involved in the abuse and some/most of the Friends I met long after the abuse.

I think I cut myself off from support because I worry about becoming dependent on others and entering a time of crisis or trauma where others are not available for support.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Merlin

I think I cut myself off from support because I worry about becoming dependent on others and entering a time of crisis or trauma where others are not available for support.

You are probably very used to handling things by yourself so I don't think that this skill can be taken away from you.

Are you afraid to take the next step?

[Merlin]

I'm not sure I want to have to handle things by myself. I never handled them well, just well enough to keep me alive.

I am afraid to take the next step. It is such a primitive fear, and nothing I say to myself makes it go away. And then I get a lump in my throat and become agitated and I just don't take that step.

I hate it though. I want to be close to people.

[googley]

I have had to work on trust issues, and it is a continual battle to be able to trust people, even people I have trusted before. What I try to do to work on it is trust with small things. Then as I am able to trust with small things and it feels okay over time, I work on trusting with bigger things. I have found it problematic if I try to trust with big things before going through the small things that might not have as much impact. Things that are basic about myself.

Good luck, it takes time. And remember that you are using trust when you are on PC with all of us. While it is different than in real life, it does take trust to share.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Merlin

I am afraid to take the next step. It is such a primitive fear, and nothing I say to myself makes it go away. And then I get a lump in my throat and become agitated and I just don't take that step.

I want to be close to people.

I had to overcome a fear of intimacy. I worked on personal boundaries and my self worth with this issue. If you have low self worth you don't want people too close to be seeing who you really are. I think one of the first steps to improving self worth is to really understand how it got that way (because these thoughts will continue to feed the low self worth until you uncover them and overturn them

The boundaries are important because before they get healthy they are either too loose and permeable or like a brick wall to protect yourself. Understanding your boundaries really well is the first step and then playing with them is the next (real experiences to test them and give you practice!).

[Pomegranate]

Hi Merlin

Because my abuse was by family members, my trust ability has always been out of whack. But as I got older, I learned. "Trust but verify" would be my motto. And I always trust my gut instinct. While I have been wrong a few times, doing that has mostly saved me from bad situations and people.

Trusting someone on a very intimate level is very difficult for me. There's only one person in my life I trust like that, my husband. For me I think part of the difficulty of trusting is the loss of control feeling I get. Real intimacy is scary, people might disappoint you, they might not be there for you when you need them, they might not truly understand, they might even judge you. So keeping my own counsel feels much safer than trusting another person. But yes, it does get lonely sometimes, that's why I came here to PC.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

For me I think part of the difficulty of trusting is the loss of control feeling I get.

Real intimacy is scary,

people might disappoint you, they might not be there for you when you need them, they might not truly understand, they might even judge you.

Hi Pomegranate! I guess empowerment would come in here for you. Empowerment would allow you to retain your power in any situation.

The stuff that I bolded up there ^, these are all things that you cannot control and with further healing should not affect you. I guess boundaries and empowerment come in here. Boundaries to block other people's stuff from affecting you and empowerment to help you to see that what other people do is there business and not yours.

These are good points. I am glad that you brought them out for discussion.

[Merlin]

Originally Posted by googley

What I try to do to work on it is trust with small things. Then as I am able to trust with small things and it feels okay over time, I work on trusting with bigger things.

I never seem to make it past the small things.

One of the things I have always wished I was able to do was call up my friends and say "I feel like crap, want to get together and do something to distract me." I even settle for just being able ask if they wanted to get together consistently.

[Merlin]

Originally Posted by Sannah

If you have low self worth you don't want people too close to be seeing who you really are. I think one of the first steps to improving self worth is to really understand how it got that way.

No offense intended, but I've always bristled when people imply I have a low self worth. I have low self-efficacy (the belief that one is capable of performing in a certain manner to attain certain goals) and I'm ashamed of some of the things I've done or haven't done, but I've always felt valued, even if only by my parents at times and not by siblings or friends.

It might be worth looking at improving the self-efficacy. I have some idea of how it got that way, but I'm ashamed of it as well. I'm a very intelligent and intellectual person and the fact that I can just think my way past my automatic irrational thoughts and achieve the goals I would be capable otherwise irritates me. Except the thoughts so firmly entrenched that they're at the core belief level.

[Merlin]

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

For me I think part of the difficulty of trusting is the loss of control feeling I get. Real intimacy is scary, people might disappoint you, they might not be there for you when you need them, they might not truly understand, they might even judge you.

I could have written that word for word. It captures my fears precisely.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Merlin

I even settle for just being able ask if they wanted to get together consistently.

What is holding you back from this? Do you have difficulty allowing yourself to meet your needs?

Originally Posted by Merlin

No offense intended, but I've always bristled when people imply I have a low self worth.

When I was talking about the low self-worth in that post I was talking about myself and what caused my fear of intimacy. You didn't give me enough info for me to assume that you had low self-worth.

I have low self-efficacy (the belief that one is capable of performing in a certain manner to attain certain goals) and I'm ashamed of some of the things I've done or haven't done. It might be worth looking at improving the self-efficacy. I have some idea of how it got that way, but I'm ashamed of it as well.

So you don't think that you can accomplish certain things? You talk about shame. Shame causes a person to keep people at a distance too. You don't want people looking closely at anything that you are ashamed of.

I'm a very intelligent and intellectual person and the fact that I can just think my way past my automatic irrational thoughts and achieve the goals I would be capable otherwise irritates me. Except the thoughts so firmly entrenched that they're at the core belief level.

Yeah, the tricky thing is that these problems need to be solved emotionally not intellecually...........

Do you have a parent who approaches everything very intellectually at the expense of emotionally?