[ohsohxc]

Hi all, I am new here. I've seen some of the wonderful responses you've given others so I'm hoping that maybe some fellow survivors could give me their opinion.

I was molested by an older cousin from the time I was about 5 until 11 or 12. I have suppressed it until November of 08 when I finally came clean to my boyfriend as it was causing a lot of intimacy issues. I have been seeing my therapist again in order to deal with the issue. I'm feeling stronger every day, emotionally. However, I am very very close with my family. The cousin that did this has been in the military far far away for some time, but is back home now, so I know I will be seeing him at least once every month or so. My boyfriend hates the guy and does not wish to be in the same room as him. My quandry is - I feel like my family should know why I am not thrilled that he's home. I feel like they should know why my boyfriend is walking out of family events.

Have any of you told your family after years of abuse? How do you go about it? Is it very "Intervention"-esque? My family is usually very supportive of me, and I know they're very proud as I've overcome a lot of emotional hurdles over the years (was hospitalized in 04 for depression/suicide attempts, etc) and have done very well for myself living on my own. However, there is still the fear that they will not believe me, or if they do, that it will devastate the family. I don't wish revenge upon the cousin, though I am angry. It's not like I want him to be banished from the family or hated, though it could be the outcome. I'm very scared of the repercussions.
So, if you have told your family of your abuse after several years, what is the preparation for it? And do you think I should?

Thanks so much for the insight.

[deliquesce]

hi ohsoh . welcome to PC!

i haven't had any experience telling family, my situation was quite different so i'm not sure i'm qualified to comment. but i am bumping this thread up in the hopes that someone else will pitch in with more useful advice and insight.

[ohsohxc]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

hi ohsoh . welcome to PC!

i haven't had any experience telling family, my situation was quite different so i'm not sure i'm qualified to comment. but i am bumping this thread up in the hopes that someone else will pitch in with more useful advice and insight.

That's so kind of you, thank you

[unr3achable1tch]

Hey there. Im wondering about the same thing. When i was molested by my cousin at 7 yrs of age, i cried n told my mom the next day. It was touching only though.
But till this day i havent been able to tell my family about what my brother did, which was similar to ur situation. In my case, it'd crush my parents. They already have a lotta crap to deal with.
My fiance knows. Ive been having flashbacks after having repressed what happened to my childhood, for a couple of years now. I need help, but cant, cuz then id have to tell my parents.
If ur cousin may be suseptible to molest another child, or ur suspicous, definetly tell ur family. It could bring him down a lil.
The Q is: would u be comfortable knowing ur family knows about it?

[ohsohxc]

Originally Posted by unr3achable1tch

Hey there. Im wondering about the same thing. When i was molested by my cousin at 7 yrs of age, i cried n told my mom the next day. It was touching only though.
But till this day i havent been able to tell my family about what my brother did, which was similar to ur situation. In my case, it'd crush my parents. They already have a lotta crap to deal with.
My fiance knows. Ive been having flashbacks after having repressed what happened to my childhood, for a couple of years now. I need help, but cant, cuz then id have to tell my parents.
If ur cousin may be suseptible to molest another child, or ur suspicous, definetly tell ur family. It could bring him down a lil.
The Q is: would u be comfortable knowing ur family knows about it?

I was only touched too, but it for sure left lasting marks for both of us. Like you, I have a lot of flashbacks, especially now that I'm in a serious relationship, it's very difficult to be intimate without having to get drunk or high first because every touch reminds me of back then.
Why would getting help mean you have to tell your parents? Are you on their insurance plan or something? Either way I would think it remains private...just curious. I have repressed it for 17 years - I'm 23 now, and it has done me no good. Looking back, I know it was the root of my emotional problems back in 04 when I was put in the adolescent psych ward.
My cousin is a few years older than me, but whether or not he would be susceptible to doing this to another child or a grown woman, I do not know. I don't think so, but who knows.

Onto your last question...part of me feels like it would be a huge relief to me to not have to live with this anymore. I feel like I owe my mom an explanation other than "I have depression" (as diagnosed from doctors) to explain why I was the way I was when I was younger...I put her through a lot in 04...but another part of me feels like there is already such a division in my family due to something else, and my mom is already so stressed, that I don't know if it would stress her out more...

I have been thinking of just confronting my cousin though...going to talk to my T about it in a few weeks when I see him to see what should go down.

[my3sns]

My situation is a little different so i am not sure that it will help , but i will tell you anyway. As far as i know i have always known what happened to me at the hands of my uncle. I am 41 now , but the abuse was from very early on till age 11. About 2 yrs ago my therpaist suggested that i tell my mom what happened to me as a child during a session , so we scheduled it a few weeks later. I did manage to get through the session and did tell my mom generally what happened (no details) , basically that i was a survivor of csa . Anyway it was hard on me , pretty hard on my mom , and at one point the therapist asked my mom if she could give me a hug ... after about 5 times being asked and me feeling awful about the whole thing mom finally did hug me , but it was forced . And since then nothing has ever been mentioned . So for me i dont think it helped much at all.

[unr3achable1tch]

You should definetly at least confront your cousin. He needs to know what he did to you and perhaps it'll never really "hit him" until you do so. I'm glad you shared all this with us .

[Elysium]

Hi....

I'm sorry you had to experience this.

I went through a similar situation and I have a couple suggestions for you.

First, If there is one person in your family that you are most connected with and have good, open communication with, you might want to speak with this family member first. Share your experience and let them know that you are concerned about the consequences that your speaking up could have on your cousin and yourself. Maybe they would be able to help you bring it up with the rest of your family.

Second, is there a family member that you can take with you to a therapy appt where you can discuss this with your therapist present. The extra support for yourself could be very good.

A couple other things I'd like to point out. Sometimes, when people confront their abusers directly, this can be detrimental to the abusee. I don't know your cousin, so I don't really know what his values are and where he stands on morality at this point in his life, but there is the chance that you could confront him and he could deny it and attempt to convince you that it never happened. He could also try and prevent you from telling others if he feels it would tarnish his image.

Sometimes other family members can have this reaction too. They can say that you just misunderstood the contact, that it never happened and couldn't have happened, and that it is lies. Not saying this to convince you one way or another to tell or not tell, but just be prepared that it could really go either way.

Whatever you do, I think incorporating your T into this would be best.

Good luck!!

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by ohsohxc

it's very difficult to be intimate without having to get drunk or high first because every touch reminds me of back then.

I spent my late teens and 20's using this approach. It gets a LOT tougher in the 30's and 40's. Expecially with kids and when instead of a bf you have a H.

I've never told anyone until my T this year. I have no contact with my abusers and only have my brother left to tell.... since he was there and they were his friends...he knows what happened.

I'm sorry you are in a situation where you have to interact with your abuse. (((many hugs))) Welcome to PC.

[Sannah]

I don't see what could be gained by confronting the abuser.