[Berries]

Among other things, 3 years later I am still left with my EX-abuser's "standard of measurement" of me and living in general.
Me and my actions were judged very harshly and cruelly.

I can't get this "standard of measurement" out of my head. All I want is to be the person I used to be before. Someone, who, when wasn't in a depressive episode, could be carefree and innocent and enjoy the good times. Now, no matter what mood or stage of illness I am in, I am riddled with shame and guilt. It is all the time, plaguing me.

My T says it is a habit.

How does one get rid of this sort of habit? Is anyone else in the same boat? Does anyone have a suggestion?

[Miri]

I feel your frustration, wish i had something to offer you besides offering that you are not alone in this - i feel pretty much the same. Everything that runs through my mind feels lame, so I won't bother. I hope it gets better, one day, one moment at a time.

[Sannah]

Maybe ask yourself why you would care about an abuser's standard of measurement?

[Berries]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Maybe ask yourself why you would care about an abuser's standard of measurement?

thank you. that is definitely something to ask myself.

[miray]

((((((((Berries))))))) It is a very hard thing to reprogram your brain after so much negative input. Maybe try to replace it with something positive about yourself every time something negative enters your brain.....and what Sannah said was a great point! Don't be too hard on yourself....it will take time

[thunderbear]

Berries, I do the same thing. My mom's ex husband (he physically and emotionally abused me for years) was a military man. he had very high standereds in the way everything was done right down to the way the faucets were washed. I, to this day, cannot clean without worrying about a double check of my work. I can remember him saying "for every sock mismatched will be one lick with the belt." and that was when I was 6 yrs old! It is a very hard habit to break. Although I think mine is out of fear rather than a habit

[Pomegranate]

Hi Berries,

Maybe you could try sitting down and thinking out your own standards of measurement for yourself? Write it down and look at it when ever you find yourself thinking about your abuser's standards of measurement. Every time the old thoughts start playing in your head try to replace them with your new ones. Also try not to get discouraged if it does not work right away, deprograming takes time.

[Sannah]

Thunderbear, I am so sorry that that happened to you!

Pomegranate, good idea!

[Berries]

((((((((((((((((thunderbear))))))))))))))))

Thunder--i am sorry that happened to you, too.
i think my habit has a lot of fear attached to it too.

(((((((((((((((((((((Pomegranate))))))))))))))))))))

Pomegranate--great idea---but i am afraid i am too afraid let my guard down enough to write out my own standards of measurement. But what a great goal. maybe i could ask my T to do it with me? i have an appt. with him today. i'll ask him. THANK YOU!!!!

[Berries]

i DID work on a list of my OWN standards of measurement with my T yesterday. i wrote down a list of my abusers standards--that i know too well--and then together we wrote down a list of MINE.
It was scary but GOOD. And now i am going to look at it every day until i feel less scared and more confident and sure of myself.
THANK YOU again Pomegranate for your idea and thank you everyone else for your support and ideas.

[Sannah]

Very good Berries! And again, what a great idea Pomegranate!