for me but anybody is welcome :)

based on this post from Doc John:

To me, and in this context, it means you've tried multiple treatment options -- whether it be psychotherapy, meds, ECT, TMS, whatever -- over a period of years and despite your (and your professionals') best efforts and multiple tries on different treatments (whether it be with different therapists, therapies, meds, etc.), very little has touched your depression. You are still depressed. It doesn't seem to have responded much to anything.

That's my definition. I'm going to close this thread to encourage you all to start new threads here on the topics of the most interest to you...

Thanks!

Best,

DocJohn

and the fact that I've been dealing with depression for close to 30 years, I think this is the right place for me to post.

I can't say that I've tried everything out there - there's a LOT of stuff out there. But I have tried many meds and they either worked and pooped out, or "meh" worked, didn't work at all or had such nasty side effects that I gave up on them.

I remember that I did best for several months on Prozac, years and years ago. I remember feeling happy, focused, motivated, positive. Until it pooped out on me, that is. The couple of times since that I've tried to recapture that, it hasn't worked. Brand Adderall and one of the first generics of it (before they reformulated it & rendered it useless) did wonders for my energy level, ability to control my appetite, and to get & remain focused.

But that was a long time ago and now here I am and life isn't so great. I am tired. I am very, very tired of fighting this fight. But, I'm still fighting.

Never having had any psychological testing, I recently did. Diagnoses have come down.

The blue are what the tests determined.
The pink are what I feel are valid and should be present.

Major Depressive Disorder, recurrent, severe without psychotic features
Borderline
Obsessive-Compulsive (perfectionism and needing things to be "just so")
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Dysthymic Disorder
Seasonal Affective Disorder
Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder
Body Dysmorphic Disorder (of a kind)
Misophonia (though it is NOT a mental health problem - but sure as heck affects it )

So, in blue, pink and black - finally - my boogie monsters all have been named. You're outed ya little shites. Now I'm comin' to get you.

The first half of my adulthood has pretty much been crap. I'm hoping to make the remaining half more tolerable. Forget "happy": I'm more than ok with getting to "contented". If I could achieve "peaceful" (beyond contented to my way of thinking); I'd take that over "happy" any day. Happiness as a sustained state is not realistic. You can have moments or periods of happiness but asking/wanting/expecting more is, IMO, a recipe for disappointment.

I may never meet and marry a beloved though it has long been my dearest wish. But, with every fiber of my being, I want to learn how to:

1) love myself
2) regulate my emotions
3) sleep without the aid of Xanax (ideally without the aid of anything - but at least not benzos!)
4) regain my focus, attention, M.O.T.I.V.A.T.I.O.N.

and, then, by the grace of whatever is divine, hopefully:

5) exercise regularly (to be FIT....though to look good would not be unwelcomed )
6) lose the weight that I've gained in the past 6 years (and if it's not ALL of the weight then a darn significant portion of it!)
7) keep on track with my personal paperwork, housecleaning, day-to-day life tasks, and work-related tasks/responsibilities

Then, if I'm fortunate enough,

8) (after learning HOW) to date and do so successfully

Ok. So I have my work cut out for me. But one thing the past 30 years has taught me is "I'm strong like bull". Even though there are days when I can barely comprehend putting one foot in front of the other I AM STILL HERE.

I've begun seeing a therapist who is certified in DBT. She's orienting me in to DBT. I'll hopefully be ready for group work in mid- to late-September.

The new psych doctor appointment is at the end of August. What the heck to try now consumes me.

I know this much, forget ANYTHING that:

1) makes me lose my hair
2) packs on weight
3) exacerbates my anxiety / insomnia
4) causes me to be "spaced out" "stupid" (past the initial titration to effective dosage level)
5) screws around with my hormonal levels (Lamictal, I am looking at you - though somebody told me it's possible to avoid hormonal feckwithery with it - but did not explain HOW. Anybody? Anybody?)

Initially I thought that attacking the mood/emotion lability would be the first, best course of action. But now I think I have to get the depression under control first and foremost. All of the stuff that I thought was ADHD (inattentive type) is likely my off-the-charts depression.

I love crazymeds.com for anything meds-related. The information on that site is ridiculously helpful. There are posters on there that know so much about psychotropic drugs, how they work, etc. that they sound like doctors. They throw around neurotransmitter function this, that, and the next thing like I can talk about....I don't know.... Italian food?

The psychologist that did my testing suggested Strattera and Wellbutrin. Wellbutrin with hesitation as I know he's hesitant to advise a stimulant for the inattention, lack of focus and motivation in order not to make my anxiety and insomnia worse. Besides, though Wellbutrin used to be the bomb for me, it hasn't done a damn thing for me for a couple of years now. I even went up and down on the dosage hoping to find the 'sweet spot"but to no avail. So - maybe Strattera?

But there's still the emotional/mood lability to contend with. I can't remember now but I think I was going to ask about Latuda. grrr. I hate when I can't remember stuff!!

As far as my insomnia, going without anything to get to sleep is not realistic to expect now and for some time (maybe never). I've read good things about low-dose Seroquel at night. Yes, it's got a wicked rep for putting weight on you but that's typically at higher doses. I believe I've seen Remeron mentioned for sleep on a few threads...I'll have to check in to that.

I started this thread mostly as a place for me to put my thoughts and feelings down. At the same time, anybody that cares to comment or make suggestions is more than welcome and I appreciate it very much. Especially if anybody has any meds suggestions.

Totally honest: I'm hoping that by posting on this sub-forum that I'll avoid the "Have you tried St. John's Wort?" "Melatonin?" "Yoga?" "Meditation?" whatnot. Not that any/all of these may not have their therapeutic benefit!! But, peeps, I am down (way, way down) in the trenches here.

I'm barely out of my 40's, menopausal, my body has gone from being a "hottie" (at 45!) to looking like hell; I'm now in terrible physical shape, some very major shite has gone down on a very traumatic, personal level for me in the past 6 years, my debt is sky-high, I got myself in to a relationship with yet another man that is not a good fit for me and I'm barely holding on.

I need more than "ohhhhmmm". I love yoga - I think it rocks. But I have to crawl before I can walk and - for ME - that sort of stuff is walking depression level fighting tactics.

I'm just not there.

YET.

I hope fuzzybear comes and gives me a hug. Regardless here's one for fuzzy and for you - US - all.


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