self discovery at 55

i have begun to come out of my "shell" and attempt to accept myself and look my best--even began to wear makeup, nail polish and jewelry......
then the messages start---the ones that i was told when growing up....
the "evilness" of looking feminine (you look like a wh--e) and similar
and the memories long stuffed down come out of the can of worms slithering and remind me of the ways mother kept me "in my place" by way of "hand me downs" and "rules of dress"......and no, we didn't belong to any religious group that forbid such things.....it was mother's own competitive, distorted, convoluted and disfunctional reality.

my narcissistic and very beautiful mother made sure i was "ugly"
she "bought" me "friends" who would then tell her if i wore makeup or rolled my skirt or let my hair down from the "bun" it was always in.....then she would come get me and degrade and shame me in front of whoever was there and then when i got home......

yes, i have been away from her for 37 yrs--but my H was similar in the early yrs of our marriage. and so learned my sons who would tell me i looked like a clown and fake when i did wear makeup which was so very seldom (thank goodness they are not that way anymore to either me or their wives).

there are many tangled strings in this self discovery journey. My T is excited for me that we are at a point in therapy where this can be addressed. it's working on how my past is affecting me now and beginning to address some very painful and squashed down feelings and memories and confusions.

sexuality, gender, and the eternally asked question of "who AM i"

Feed back and others who are working on themselves in a positive way are really appreciated.

{{{{{{{{White Iris}}}}}}}

I am sooooo happy for you. My upbringing wasn't quite as severe as yours but I am just now discovering that all the poor self-esteem I got from my parents was a LIE. There was never anything wrong with the way I looked and they made me feel ugly.

Thank GOD I am married to a wonderful man who never fails to tell me every single day how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. He says he is going to keep saying it until I believe it.

YOU GO, GIRL!!!!!

Thanks Vickie!!
My H tells me that also--how awesome it is that he matured and realized his own mistakes---i was one month short of 19 and he was one month short of 22 when we got married.

there is alot of work to do in this new area and my T is excited and happy i'm beginning this journey.......oh but how SCARY it is

hopefully in the process i begin to believe and accept my worth as a person, woman, wife......inside and out.

one of my dearest friends is 68 and i think the one of the most beautiful women i know---inside and out. she has been an inspiration "i want to be like B..." but in reality, I have to be myself......

just rambling now.....
but so much damage has to be repaired and sometimes i'm not sure there is enough time to repair it ......

What a nice and encouraging post. I am very happy that you are finding yourself and in the process you are finding a beautiful woman just waiting to bloom.
Keep doing it and it is never too late

OK, now to work on the negative "voice"-----almost threw away all my makeup and nail polish......got a new color and it started that "old message" ball rolling again.

went out with a dear friend today who re-assured me it looked fine, my new glasses looked fine, my clothes were fine, makeup fine--i looked nice.....

wish i had a mother who taught me, approved of me, didn't compete and make me ugly so she could look good......even tho she really did......

this is a tough one.

hear you and relate, on the mother crap