Trusting men...

This thread isn't intended to put men down or bad mouth them at all.

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Since the age of 3 years old I have been abused and/or mistreated by men physically, emotionally, and sexually.

I am now an adult and do not trust men. I am 110% heterosexual but I am still very scared of men and cannot relax when I am around them. I fear that I will never have a boyfriend or get married...etc because of it.

Sometimes I do not trust men in general or I target men that come across as "nice" and allow myself to feel safe in their company. Only later to find out that the trust I placed in these "nice men" was misplaced.

I am scared to death that I will get in a relationship with someone just like my dad. He abused my Mom and cheated on her, abused me and my brother, was an alcoholic, liar, manipulater...etc.

Is there a set of rules that you can go by to tell if a man is genuinely nice and caring...etc? So far I have found none.

(((Zen)))

I can understand what you're saying. In my experience, love doesn't come to those looking for it. I'll try my best to explain...

Whenever I tried looking for "nice guys", I had no luck. Just men who were users. And I used sex to get a man who would care for me. It does not work. When I backed off of men completely, and just tried to get to know myself ~ what did I like? Who was I? That is when the nice guys and I clicked.

We became friends, and went out as friends. Within time, romance did develop in a few friendships I've had. I still had all of my trauma and dramas going on, but those guys were a positive activity for me. NOT just another negative activity or hurt added to my list.

I did have a marriage for 16 years, but those ongoing dramas and health problems became too much for my husband to handle. I couldn't ever blame my husband for ending it, as I never able to develop who I am. I questioned everything! I also couldn't accept compliments that he gave me, because I look so down upon myself. Those realities added HUGE stress to our marriage.

I wish that I had worked through my troubles, rather than carrying around this sack of guilt and shame for so many years! But, it isn't easy...nor is it quick to get through. Do try to keep that fact in mind as you work through your issues. Someday, you will meet men that you can trust. Keep your focus upon being a good person that you like.

(((hugs))) to you!

I never knew what is paedophile until i started reading books by Torey Hayden, it opened my eyes, n i knew i was once the target of online paedophiler, but maybe naturally i sense something is wrong n i just cut off w it.

but as i grow up, i getting dumb n stupid, because of something happened, i started to be afraid of man... sometimes the fear had turned into hatred... which sometimes i simply told my friends i hated man.

im scared too to start of relationship, but i did n i failed, so i decided to back away without telling him why. of course he is the type where my parents like... a good boy... sigh....

i also wish to have a guideline in choosing the man that we will spend our life time with.... mm... we shalt develop a formula in choosing man... that is going to be interesting...

hugs to u... i think u r very strong, at least u had tried. in life i have quite a lot personalities, the dark side, white side, grey side, n etc...

only those close family members see my darkest side.. when i no longer able to control my anger, and depression... but is strange i loosen up when my parents r not around... maybe is a bad idea to start a relationship by staying w my parents.... i wll never get a man.. because i dont have a chance to know my self... because to me myself is what my parents told me to be... n man to love is who they want me to be with... sometimes i just told them i dont want to marry...

but maybe ill take ur advice to have more time for myself to know myself better..... i did learned something that pampered ourself before we think of others... (sort of learn it from Oprah talk show)...

maybe when we love our self love will eventually come... maybe will be the nicest man... for us. although other see him as not the nicest...

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sorry i wrote too much.. might be off topic...

but thanks for sharing...

I have trouble trusting men too. I don't know how I'll ever meet someone who wants me the way I am, emotional baggage and all. I can't give a man what he wants. It scares me too much.

isn't it such a crock to want to be with these creatures we call "men" so bad yet not want that at the same time?

"how can i explain - i need you here and not here too"

i believe one of the things that eases up the pain and fear is working thru your own pain - what you went through. there are good men out there. the kind of men who don't want to exploit you, make you feel like you're the laughing stock of the town, or hurt you in any sense. (although some who are genuinely gentle can say some pretty silly things.... *sigh*)

i'm sorry you had to live that kind of life and to have a bad 1st male relationship (the one a little girl has with her father). the people who do these kind of things are people who have severe mental problems. in the US this is about 10% or so - so it's not every Joe you pass on the street.

"Is there a set of rules that you can go by to tell if a man is genuinely nice and caring...etc?"

when you can always say "no" and not have to change it to "i'll think about it" is a good one. and when something they suggest makes you feel bad, you can say it and they won't pressure you into thinking you're paranoid.

*safe hugs* to you Zen. i believe the opportunities to have relationships come to us when we are ready. you say you don't want to end up like your mother - well, you know now how to avoid that