I want to wait...

I've decided that I want to wait until I'm married to have sex, but how do you break that to a guy? It's not so much that I'm afraid of how he'll take it as... I'm not good at just SAYING things... help?

I do not know if it is a good idea to have sex after wedding. But if you want it. Be strong and write at your T-shirt "Sex after marriage". I am joking. But do not worry and spread the information because if somebody loves you he will love you because you want to have sex after marriage. I met man who married the girls and did not have a sex before.

I am pretty direct about these things to be true to myself and to a partner, simply, there is absolutely nothing wrong to let someone know you might be intimate with, in whatever time it should come up, that you are, "saving myself for marriage." Know what signs of affection you are comfortable with (hand holding, hugs, kisses, etc.... if so/not) and can let him know this too, talk to him. Open and honest. If he respects this, he is a keeper.

I am 23 and still a virgin, I want to wait too. Whether or not it is until marriage I dont know, but it will be at least until I am in a long term relationship. But I have never had a relationship and doubt I ever will, so Ill probably be a virgin forever. Haha Anyway, I think its very rare and respectable to have moral with these things now, most people I know lost their virginity by the age of 16. My decision has nothing to with any religion, just that I lack trust, and I dont think that sex should be the foundation of a relationship. A guy who sticks around is a guy worth keeping around. You will know at the very least that you arent being used. If anyone questions you all you have to say (even if it is a bit of a porkie pie) is that you know so many people who have been used or got pregnant etc, that you have decided you dont want to end up like that. At least if you DID get pregnant you are in a relationship that will havo the stability if that situation occurred. Whenever this topic comes up I always talk about it with a 'if you dont like it, toughen up' tone, because there are people out there who will treat you like a prude. Its stupid. I mean who CARES. I would suggest finding out a guys views before ending up in a relationship with him if you can. You dont even have to mention your decision. A lot of guys can be complete tools about it. I had one guy tell me that if a girl doesnt have sex with a guy within 3 months of a relationship then he has every right to break up with her. How can you not feel like a complete object with comments like that? Dont cave in to pressure from anyone, sometimes you really havo to stick by your guns.

I think gals are going back to that way of not having sex till marriage. I find it rather refreshing. I grew up in the 60's where it was all about free love etc. Just the opposite of the way you feel. Women were used a lot because they believed the guy when he said that he loved them etc....I find your way of thinking very good. I know that if you started to date a guy that you should tell him at the first date how you feel about sex. This way you will know who sticks around and who wanted just sex.

Good for you!

Thank you for the support everyone. I've tried to make a habit of making sure HE knows before I get in relationship, but I've always had trouble communicating my feelings on the matter. My view is based partially on religion and partially on the opinion that such a union should not be taken lightly.

yeah, I'm in the same boat as you except I'm 29. I have felt physically ready for a very long time but not emotionally ready. Like you, I am not in this V-status situation for religious reasons, nor am I a prude. It sucks having this stupid "secret" (that's what I call it, anyway.)

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Originally Posted by with or without you yeah, I'm in the same boat as you except I'm 29. I have felt physically ready for a very long time but not emotionally ready. Like you, I am not in this V-status situation for religious reasons, nor am I a prude. It sucks having this stupid "secret" (that's what I call it, anyway.)

There is a difference between being physically ready and emotionally ready. Just because you think about it, doesn't mean you have to do it. I was having dinner with a friend last night and he is a virgin too, he's 21. His step sister announced it to me and another person a few months ago, which isn't really her business to do. I defended him by saying 'yeah me too', and when I said I don't take any crap in regards to that (not at her but in general as we were discussing it) she said 'yeah you don't seem like the sort of person who would'.
My friend being a guy deals with even more ridicule that you or I would, and again he's not religious, it's just his choice because he's looking for a decent relationship. The way people talk about guys who are virgins gives this vibe they are losers or pathetic. But he's a decent guy.
I do think that a lot of people who make a big deal out of virgins are perhaps envious? I know a few people who are rather promiscuous, their sex life isn't exactly enviable. Maybe they enjoy the sex, but the reputation THEY get is worse than the reputation WE get. I mean, most people would rather have a reputation as a virgin than a reputation as a slut.

If you like a guy, knowing how respectable he is before having a relationship with him will mean you won’t get caught in that trap later in the relationship of ‘surprise! You aren’t getting any!’. A decent guy will respect you for your morals, and maybe even like you more for it. Getting into a relationship and THEN finding out he’s going to hit the road if he doesn’t getting any might put you off relationships a bit out of fear of nobody wanting to be with you unless you put out.

I understand that it’s hard to share certain things with someone, especially if you aren’t good with communicating. Can I ask if you know WHY you find it difficult? Is it a fear of being judged, or being used to keeping things to yourself, or because you’ve been attacked for your views/opinions?

Sex is totally the best thing ever - when you find the right person

I don't think it's got anything to do with being moral, personally. Just because I had sex with different guys before I got married doesn't make me any less moral that anyone else - just DIFFERENT morals.

Besides that, I wouldn't buy a car without trying out the gear stick first

Nobody said having sex means someone doesn't have morals, it means that everyone has different morals. MY morals are that I choose not to have sex until I know that the person I'm with isn't going to screw me around, in more than ways than one.

You need to be honest. If this guy is worth it, he will respect your convictions. I am not emotionally ready for sex and though my bf is more than ready, he respects that. But you need to communicate what you will and will not do, otherwise he could get the wrong impression, etc.

You no my opinion bats... be blunt, and i no this may be hard for you, but men are simple no offense, they dont understand hints or things, you have to just tell him, what you want or desire, otherwise they wont get it. honest, im a bit the same way, i wld rather someone just be upfront and blunt about it, then drop hints or beat aroound a bush. if your not blunt and streight up about it, then he may just assume stuff that isnt true, or what you meant or want him to think... better to lay the cards on the table at the beginiing, then to just assume a man will get it.. 9 times out of 10 they wont.

21

I think it is a very mature decision for you to make and it's good to know what your boundaries are. It's best to tell him open and honest you are waiting, bf tells me all the time he isn't a mind reader. Most guys perfer to be told straight up and honestly, if this guy really cares about you he will respect your decision and wait. I know a couple I am friends with and the girl has made the same choice, and her bf respects that, they have been together 5 years and are engaged now. I hope this works for you and luck on talking to the guy.

Yes you can. It's complicated, but it all comes down to this: I have social phobia. I was working on it for a couple years and then my father died when I was 20. That "messed me up" [so to speak] for a long time...the grief overpowered everything else. I was going to college at the time, but I made almost no effort to socialize or "put myself out there" because I was so miserable and grieving. When you give off an air that you're unapproachable, people are going to steer clear, you know what I mean? I didn't live at school, or on my own, so I never went out on the weekends. The past year or so I have really been regretting a lot and it makes me sad that I didn't try to have any fun during those years. (I am almost 30 now). I do remember around that time, maybe 23-24, I was [actually] at a bar a few times and a guy wanted to buy me a drink. I was so embarrassed that I just kept saying "no thanks" and he eventually went on his way. You see what I mean? When you're obsessed with not wanting to attract attention, or you genuinely don't like yourself—it obscures the reality that someone actually likes you or just wants to be friendly.

If you spend your life avoiding people and if you don't love yourself, you cannot open yourself up to the possibility of loving someone else and them finding you attractive. I know I cannot have sex with someone I do not love and care about, so that's why I haven't yet. I personally have never been made fun of for being a virgin, but I hear a lot of people (in person, TV, movies "The 40 Year-old Virgin", etc.) who talk about it and think there's really something psychologically wrong with someone who still is one, and they're in their 20s, 30s, 40s and older. I remember telling one friend (within the past year) that I had never been with anyone, and she seemed very surprised. So that made my self esteem go up a little, haha.
It just frightens me that when I think about finally taking that step and begin dating someone, that they're going to think I'm a freak or defective, emotionally "stunted" so to speak. But it is what it is, I'm not going to lie about it.

Thank you Evening and With or Without You for sharing your stories. I am 35 and I am still a virgin. I have experienced stigma for my status at 3 different gynecologists' offices. I have a health condition that has made it a necessity to see a gynecologist for the first time.

I also have made the choice to wait until I am married to have sex. I am not a prude or too religious. I believe that I have to do what's best for me.

Butterflies and Bats tell him exactly how you feel.

When I was dating, back in the "olden days", things were the opposite. You were a "slut" if you had sex before marriage. I (and most of my friends) waited until we were married. That didn't mean we didn't fool around, but we knew what the "rules" were. It wasn't for religious reasons, either. Personally, I think it's sad that times have changed, and I think highly of those who choose to wait until they are married. I don't look down on those who don't wait, but I wonder if we were better off the way it used to be.