Married Life

Does anyone out there know of a book that can help me sort out my life? Here is some background. I’ve been married for 23 years. I and the hubby have reached a pivital point in our lives where our focus has changed individually. For example: Husband wants to be less religious, wants to move to a semi secluded island and be a farmer all the natural days of his life until he dies even though he’s been in the US for 35 years. He’s 50. I desire to be more religious, want to stay in the US and spend the rest of my years with my family. I also told hubby that I'm not moving to some semi-deserted island where I have no family support.

Another problem I have is with my children ages 18, 20, 21. They come and go as they wish, do as they wish without respecting my home. They also are not that religious because they see their father isn’t so much so they have no respect for the way I feel. Hubby doesn’t do anything about the situation, because he doesn’t want to be a bad guy. So, any advice on books or personal advice will help. I'm considering marital therapy to sort all of this out but in the meantime any advice I get will surely help. Thank you all.

Well just for yourself I highly recommend "Healing the Shame That Binds You". For the marriage issues the best thing to do is consult your spiritual leader or a licensed marriage and family therapist. Wish I had some more specific suggestions.

Bless your heart -- Sounds like people are walking all over you! I can understand.

First the kids -- I HAD that problem at one point. I had to put my foot down. So -- I told them that as long as they lived in OUR HOME -- they were going to abide by OUR RULES -- they were going to come home at a decent hour -- for instance 12midnight or 1am -- you put the time limit on. After that, the house was LOCKED. If they have their own keys, take them away. Tell them you are NOT running a hotel and you're TIRED of being awakened all the time -- or tired of worrying about them every night. AND - if they don't like your rules, they are WELCOME to move out. This is called "tough love" and it works. Yes, they might move out, but chances are it will be short term. And as long as they live in your home, you can install any "laws" that you like, within reason of course.

As for moving to some deserted island, I think your husband is being very selfish -- he's not taking your wishes into consideration at all. I thought marriage was supposed to be a partnership -- 50/50 and all that?? Yours sounds more like a dictatorship! You might remind him that he would NEVER see any grandchildren once there are any. You might tell him that you didn't "sign up" to be a farm wife. It sounds to me like he's having a mid-life crisis and once he gets thru it, all these crazy ideas will be long gone. (I hope) Do NOT let him bully you into this -- you have RIGHTS too. Remember that women got equal rights long ago. LOL Just tell him that you WON'T go, and he'll have to pay PLENTY if he leaves you to go to some island! (that's desertion)

I wish you the very best. I don't know of any book -- I just flew by my shirttails. LOL Please take care & God bless. Oh -- by the way -- my "ex" wanted to grow mushrooms & rabbits in our basement! I put the kabosh on THAT! Take care. Hugs, Lee

As a 20 year old who disagrees with her mom all the time and does whatever I wish.. Do your kids know that they do not respect how you feel?? And how much it bothers you?? My 18 year old brother doesn't yet understand how hurtful some of the things he says actually are to my mom. I do it too, so maybe you should talk to them about it if you haven't already

I can't really offer much on the other stuff.. But I wish you great luck

Maybe letting go from both yourself and your husband will help? I mean - not letting go of the relationship, but letting go of the vision you have. Maybe a compromise can be reached so, for example, you live in the US but spend few months in a remote place, or you practice religion but he does not. As for the kids - its up to the both of you to set the boundaries. I have a feeling that once you sort your differences as a couple the kids issues will be sorted too.

There is a great book called Boundaries from Cloud Townsend ...there are also versions about Boundaries in Marriage and Boundaries with Teenagers...