[Roserose329]

Possible triggers?

Well I've been with my husband for 9 years (married for 4) we have 2 beautiful children.
So I've known my mother in law for a long time. And she was great while we were dating, no we didn't always see eye to eye but we were ok.
Once we got pregnant with our first and got married, things got bad with her. Not with the baby at first, she would watch our son while I was at work twice a week. My son loved her and she loved him, it was her first grandchild.

But once I stopped working to stay home with my son, all babysitting slowly stopped. Which is fine. Except now that I have our faughtery. I sit a home with no car (my husband's car blew so we bought mine, but now don't have the funds to get a second) for months and months on end, with no sitter, no break, no help. My husband's only day off is Tuesday. And we normally have appointments or errands to run, which he does because he would rather do the grocery running quick without the kids running wild through the store.
So I'm home, all the time with no break.
Which again, is ok. This is the life I chose, I should push harder for a day away once in a while. But try to ask my husband.

But in February, I had my 4th miscarriage. I was 17 weeks, it required surgery. And I had some very bad happenings after that. I mean very bad, like sexual assault. It was torture going through life. I was having constant panic attacks. About 3-4 a day at least 4-5 days out of the week. I couldn't cwan, I couldn't cook, I could barely stand. My OB tried to give me Xanax but it just made me sleepy, but nothing else.

One day I was having a especially bad panic attack, my chest was hurting so bad I could barely breathe. I was crying, trying to hide it all from my kids.
I had noticed that if I called someone, I could talk thru them. So I called my mother in law. Keep in mind, I wanted nothing, just to talk through my massive anxiety/panic attack. My MIL she decided that that was the time to tell me that I was a "shi**y mom". Twice. I am a huge mess, crying, barely able to breathe, and she chose right then.

If she had a problem with something I was doin, I would welcome her suggestion, or advice, but really? Name calling. She also told me "I raised my boys, I'm not raising your kids" .....excuse me???? I NEVER ask you to babysit. I got the point when my son was young and I stopped working. And I wasn't asking her then either. She said "I won't help you unless you help yourself, go get counseling and get on meds, then we will talk about me helping you" ......what??? Again, I wasn't asking for help, I was just trying to talk through my current bad situation. Trying to make it stop, at least for a few minutes, so I could stop crying. I didn't want her to come watch my kids or clean or anything. I wanted nothing from her but a conversation. I don't ask her for things.

So I'm holding onto my counter, mouth open, trying to figure out how the conversation turned to me being a bad mom, how apparently I'm asking for things that she won't help with. I'm now bawling, believing that I am world's worst mom. After a few more nasty comments, like how the assault never happened, I was lying or I just thought that's what happened....I hung up, I literally couldn't handle it anymore, I hung up (I've never been that rude to her) and about a week later, I had to apologize to her.
She had sent me into a very long -weeks long- mental breakdown. I couldn't eat, sleep, anything. Trying to handle my 4 year old and 1 year old.
I shut down, just kept going over in my head how lost I was, how bad of a mother I was for not being able to cope and be strong for my kids and my husband.
I had no hope, no one was going to help. I was alone. My husband works long hours and when he is home, he's tired too, he's overwhelmed too. He does his hest to help as much as possible, but other than his mom, we have no one to help. My mom died when I was little, my dad is in another state, my sister is in another state (with cancer). We had no one. I did go to counseling (no meds) but I'm still struggling with MIL.

Do you ladies have any suggestions? We don't have the extra funds to hire a babysitter. I'm now pregnant again (lost another one a few months after the 17 week miscarriage) so I'm now 11 weeks, tired overwhelmed, scared and still trying to cope. We need a night away, no friends to help (they have their own kids) and no family. How to manage the kids and our marriage with someone constantly telling us how awful we are?

Sorry that was so long. Hope you got to finish reading and that I didn't bore you too bad. Thanks in advance for any reaponse.
Have a great day.

[Patagonia]

Roserose,
I'm so sorry to hear that you're hurting so much. Things do not sound great.
I do have a couple of questions.

Why does it seem like all the sudden your MIL went off on you?? What does she have against you?? What does she know?

And are you getting any support from your husband. I know you said he works a lot, but maybe to change things up....YOU could do the shopping, errands etc on Tuesday than him. That gives you a chance to get out & clear your head.
Has your husband talked to your MiL about her outburst? Where does he stand on all this??

Hang in there!!!

[Roserose329]

Thanks for the response
Well when we talked a few weeks or so later she told me that she wasn't going to walk on eggshells anymore because it was to hard on her, that she was going to be a "******"
I can't even make this up.
She doesn't think she's being mean, she thinks she's completely justified in whatever she says. But compared to my sister (yeah we married brothers lol) I have it great. She is awful to my poor sister.
She knows our life, my sister and I had a bit of a rough childhood. But I think she believes we held her sons back. Because her third son now has a career and is buying a house, he finished college, he's married to a nice girl with no baggage.
We have a lot of financial problems, which she has no problem chiming in about, we just don't do things the way she thinks they should be done (super controlling) so we are obviously wrong. And if we are wrong, we need to do it her way, if we dont, well... yeah.

My husband tried to stay neutral, he doesn't agree with most things his mom does or says but, thats not how she used to be. She used to be sweet, compassionate, and loving. I seen it myself. It's like she snapped or something, idk. Or maybe I was blind. So he listenes when I'm upset, realizes that there's a problem, but doesnt want to make it worse by going to her or his dad. Which, I mean, I can't blame him.

He's pretty good at supporting me when I need him. He's always here for me.
And yeah its not a bad idea for me to get out every Tuesday for shoping, in fact, I really like the sound of that lol
Thanks so much!!!!

[Roserose329]

The stars are the B word.. incase it wasn't to clear

[Patagonia]

If your husband is staying neutral....I see that as a "possible out" for him??? Just thinking....he needs to support you! You're feelings are very valid!! You need support.

You sound like you have a trapped existence & some people can live like that & fall in love with motherhood. I'm certainly not saying that's bad, I think it's wonderful!
When I had my third I realized I needed to get out! To talk to other adults & be an adult. My husband & I set up like a tag team & when he saw me close to meltdown I told him I had to take a walk.
Keeping MH issues hidden from children is extremely difficult I think & is very draining. IMHO.

We had issues w/ my MIL....other stuff...& she's approx 6-7min away. I started to get really upset...then angry.
In the heat of it (& not thinking clearly) I kept my kids away from my MiL on purpose. To prove a point to her about control!

Now in hindsight I can see I was using my kids like pawns in a chess game & not very smart or healthy to do. Did it work? Yes, but it created a divide between my MIL & myself.

[technigal]

Believe me when I say that I understand. I have such huge issues with my mother-in-law. I have done everything I can to make peace for my son's sake and she tells him (he's 11) what a bad mother I am. She makes it so a child has to stick up for his mom. He has started to not want to go there. My husband is an only child and is apparently cut out of her will unless he divorces me. I have no contact with her and my mental health has been better with not dealing with her. I also have no family around, although I come from a large family everyone lives 2000 miles from me, so no family support.

I am sorry to hear of your losses, they are so hard to deal with. If you need to talk just pm me. As you can see my avatar is about m/c and infant death.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

First off I'm sorry about your MCs. I had one years ago and it ruined me. Your hubbies mom sounds a lot like my bfs. She despises me. I tried for awhile but she is a stone wall. I'm BP and she is a trigger for me so I know now to just stay away.

One thing that caught my eye was how your hubby is neutral in this. Also reminds me of my bf. Your hubby needs to step in and stick up for you. I beg my bf to say something to his mom when she puts me down and he just says "you don't know her, it's better left unsaid". Well I don't care. He needs to speak up like your husband.

Would she be open to counseling? Perhaps having a mediator in between may help?

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