Stop Buying Me Clothes!

I've been with my SO for 23 yrs & my weight has ALWAYS fluctuated. I used to be able to buy right off the rack many yrs ago, but not anymore.
Two yrs ago I started to lose weight very slowly & now I've plateaued. I started to look at my clothes very differently. Last yr I did a major purge of clothes that were hand me downs mostly from my SO bec they were very big & other clothes given to me from other family members that were getting rid of stuff. I didn't really like the clothes but felt obligated to take them.
So I got rid of everything that didn't fit, was really big & stuff I didn't like. It didn't leave me with much. I'm very picky about what goes into my "wardrobe" now. I don't wanto look frumpy anymore. I'm tired of people giving me their crap "they were going to donate anyway." Now I do appreciate it, but that's a double edge sword.

I've always explained to my SO that I'm picky about my clothes & the fit. But he just doesn't seem to listen to me. I know on the surface he means well, but really HES NOT LISTENING TO ME!
I'm especially picky about my workout clothes & ive been trying to find a few new pieces. I've told him that I really can't buy online bec of fit. But I do try stuff on every once in awhile & I keep looking for exactly what I want. I just don't feel obligated to buy something just to have it. It has to be something that I really want & really fits well.
So yday he comes home with 2 pairs of workout pants for me, 2 different sizes to cover the bases. I feel like he's saying "there I fixed your problem." He's a fixer, typical male.
Yes it's a very nice gesture & I should appreciate it BUT he said he only bought it bec it was on the deep deep discount pile. He's extremely frugal! He said to try them & of course it's not what I want or the fit I want. So I feel obligated to keep them. I don't want them!

Now this isn't the first time. He does this a lot. I've come across things he bought me that r so discounted that when I can't fit in them they can't be returned so I have stuff that has tags on it.
He did this last yr with a winter coat. He found one he loved. I've been looking for a new one but again I'm picky about what I want. He kept telling me about how great his jacket was. Then at the end of winter he buys one for me. This is after I told him I liked his but it's not what I wanted for myself.
I know that he loves to buy things on sale!
But then I'm stuck with it.

He bought me a cute dress for Xmas last yr. when I tried it on there's a keyhole in the back & he said he didn't like that my bra was showing. The dress fell to my mid thigh so I put on a pair of boots & he said it would look better with pants on under the dress.
I never wore the dress. It still has the tags on it.

He'll do something like this with groceries. We keep a running list on our phones. I put on the list some very specific items. He'll buy something that is close to that. When I point it out, that it's not the same, he'll just tell me to use it anyway. Like I should b grateful he got it in the first place.

So part of me thinks I should just be appreciative. He buys me things. And I feel that posting this, those are the responses I will get. But can anyone see my pov & what I'm getting at here?

I constantly feel like I'm not heard!! I don't matter! Im not valued. I'm background noise in this life.

I hear ya! It drives me f**king crazy when I feel like someone is just NOT listening to me!

My husband does that to me, buying clothes and gadgets that I specifically said I didn't want, buying something different than I asked for at the grocery store. I'm kind of a health nut and he refuses to read labels. He thinks that if the front of a box says "all natural" then it is. Never mind that the first ingredient on the label is high fructose corn syrup. I'm diabetic and can't eat sugar and junk food.

We've gone round and round about this until finally one day I took what he got, walked to the trash, looked him in the eye, threw it straight in and slammed the lid shut. That seemed to get his attention. I told him "I'm not going to say thank you, because I don't feel grateful. What I DO feel is ignored and unheard."

When friends try to give me stuff. I politely decline and say that I'm pursuing a minimalist life style and don't want to add to my possessions. (This is true....so I'm not lying)

My mother in law is terrible about using my house as a dumping ground for things she doesn't want. I don't even bring it in the house, I put on the curb or take it straight to a good will drop box.

He cares and he's trying but it sounds like you should do the shopping

I totally understand. IMO buying 3 or 4 good pieces a year is so much more cost effective than buying cheap stuff. For example, in 1988, I picked up a simple, classic, lined Pendleton lined red wool coat at a base exchange. It can be dressed up or down. I think it cost around $80.00 but if it had cost $300.000, it would have been a bargain. It was my favorite for years and since my daughter loved it so much I gave it to her. Some of the buttons had to be sewn back on but it still looks and fits wonderful--a wardrobe staple for my daughter or me for nearly 30 years. Buying classic, quality clothes is a VERY smart way to spend money. And IMO, the most importart part about looking good is to find things that fit well (neither tight nor loose). Many people on my H's side of the family do not understand how important it is to purchase clothes for me that are *P (petite). I am only 5'1" and simply buying a *P rather than a regular * makes a HUGE difference in how my clothes look. Many times cheap is fine with me if you just select the right size!

Oh Pendleton! I know that name well. I remember when my mom got a Pendleton suit for Xmas from my father & it made her cry!
She still has it

I feel it's completely within the realm of a-ok to want a limit as to what you will and will not accept in term of gifting. A need for independence and autonomy with your clothing is not expecting too much.
That line has been drawn. It needs to be respected and cherished.

It is hard to buy clothes for women. We are built so individually. I am 3 sizes bigger on my top as opposed to bottom.

I would just tell him that.

It's just another form of micro aggression that I've put up with for far too many yrs

That sounds frustrating. If he wants to buy you something to help you look nice perhaps you can suggest he buy you jewelry or scarves of something where your weight wouldn't matter.

Oh gosh that sounds annoying.

I wouldn't be very happy if anyone bought my clothes - it's such an individual thing. 9 times out of 10 things I take to the fitting room they don't fit/suit me anyhow so how anyone else would think they could select something for another person without their input is beyond me.

Did you get this solved with him?

Not really. I tried on both pants he got me & he said the one looked great. Yes it did...but not for exercising & not the way I like them to fit.
So I asked him to take both of them back & he got frustrated.
The question now will b if he takes BOTH of them back or leave the one that fits & not return them.

Yup a month later & the pants r still laying on the floor for him to return. I can't even do it bec he wouldn't give me his cc.

And that coat he bought last yr for me & said I didn't want? Well guess what reappeared & now he's trying to convince my oldest DD that she needs this jacket.

I don't think he realizes that a coat a 47 yo & 12 yo would wear would be.....different.

Oh another pair of pants......thanks!

That's crazy. I think he needs a short, sharp shock to reset him. (Not a real one. That's illegal).

I rarely argue with my partner. Life's too short. But every now and then, you have to. When you're both angry, sometimes that's good. Things that need saying get said.

There's no way I would let him choose my clothes.

Well I mistakenly said I was cold...so he came home with these fleece pants that make me look like a teddy bear. I'm not sure if ever have the guts to wear outside the house.

Problem is he means well....& wants to be rewarded for his simple problem solving.

"You're cold? Here put these on!"
Done.

Sorry for laughing. I know it's not funny. I think you might have to use real electric shocks, after all.

And he strikes again!
Last nite for no reason at all he plops down 2 pair of pants in front of me. I asked what it’s for.
He said he forgot he had them for me.
Conclusion:
He bought these months ago on deep, deep discount. Saved them maybe for Xmas...& forgot.
Weird part is my bday is next month. Why wouldn’t he save them?
Guess what....THEY DONT FIT! Now I wonder if it’s psychological, but one pair goes over my belly button & I only wear pants on my hips. Now what?
Again I know he means well but now I’ve laid out on the bed 5 pairs of pants I can’t wear so I can show him that’s MONEY laying there!
Of course he’ll give me these hurt eyes & say he was just trying to help etc etc.

Last wk in his drawer I found 2 brand new pairs of earrings. No, he’s not having a fling! But I know he buys stuff & just....forgets about it.
I really don’t understand. I found an anniversary card 2 yrs ago, it’s still in the same spot waiting.
I just don’t understand him anymore!
Sorry to ramble....

I see this thread is about a yr old & nothing has been learned.
Our anniversary...I got workout pants.
WTF!
Does anyone speak my Language in my own house!

Or is this a message to me. “Hey Pat since you don’t do anything & wear the same things....”
Ready to check out

Oh no! Patagonia, this sounds so incredibly frustrating. I'm picky about clothes too, and my weight fluctuates a lot... I can't imagine someone constantly trying to buy things for me, especially things that can't be returned.

You mentioned that he loves to buy things on sale... it sounds like he takes a lot of pride in getting a good deal? Do you think that's driving it, more than wanting to buy you clothes?

Maybe that's an approach to take with him? Either talking to him about the fact that, no matter how great the deal is, it's still a waste of money if you can't use the clothes... or trying to redirect him - "Sweetie, you're so amazing at finding good deals... instead of clothes, I was wondering if you could try to find ___" (fill in the blank with something you actually want/need and can use)?

I guess the other option is to learn to sell on Ebay? Maybe he can go out and find great closeout deals, you can turn around and sell them, and between the two of you, you could make a bit of profit? (I know, I wouldn't want to have to deal with it either - but if you're inclined to try something like that...)

Ooh! And - have you read the book about the five love languages? You might want to take a look at that (and then ask him to read it too). I wonder if his love language is something like "gifts" - and yours isn't? Just another random thought.

Ugh - anyway, I'm sorry. It sounds so frustrating, and the fact that it's still happening, a year later - just no. Have you tried the horribly blunt approach? He hands you a present, you open it, find clothes, and hand it right back ("I love that you're trying, but as we discussed, I prefer to buy my own clothes. Please return these.") - It feels rude, but I think it's fair if you've had this conversation several times and he's not getting it. Plus, it then puts the burden on him to deal with the clothes...

Sorry again!!! That would drive me right up the wall!

It’s a combination of our anniversary & I tried to get him something very different. Unusual. And I got the same thing, again for an anniversary & Xmas. He spent very little money & thought & I did the exact opposite.

When I say something he uses this “puppy dog” tactic of having HIS feelings being hurt. Not mine. I’m being the mean person here; he’s being all thoughtful! But is he? All he’d really have to do is pull out some of my favorite workout pants & look at the dam tag! Is that so difficult? At least he’d be buying me something I could try on. Instead I feel he looks at the price tag. And in his head I think he hears, “anniversary + gift= good job”.
But to me there was no thought put into it. Nothing was even wrapped & price tags still on them, even hangers still on them! It was just plopped on a table & my kids were there & im supposed to smile & be all happy! I mean how am I supposed to see this, that in his eyes I’m valuable or worth having as a wife? I spent over $120 on his gift & he didn’t open it. So I’m upset over that too.

He sees what he wants to see. When I try to explain how I feel or what I see or my thoughts & emotions he gets angry & tells me, “I think too much!” Waves me off.

How absolutely degrading is that to a partner of 24 yrs!

Maybe I’m just making too big of a deal over this I guess. Obviously it bothers me & not him.

Are you in therapy for yourself? Is he open to couples therapy?

Honestly, it sounds like a much bigger issue than just the clothes. I mean, it sounds like he won't even listen to you or have a conversation about it, right? That's... not normal.

I'm not married, so I don't have any real authority here. But, when I have issues like this with family or friends, I try to think of a) how I would react and b) how I'd want a good friend to react to me.

If I had a spouse or significant other, and I constantly bought them clothes that they couldn't wear or didn't like, and they specifically told me that they were kind of picky and preferred to not receive clothes as a gift - I'd respect that. I might feel a little sad or embarrassed to think that I'd been picking out bad gifts, but once they told me, I'd stop buying them clothes! Because the whole point of buying a gift for someone is to do something nice for them, not to make them miserable.

If I had an issue with a friend buying me clothes that didn't fit, and I talked to them, I'd expect them to stop. It's not hard... you're not asking for anything that takes extraordinary effort on his part.

I get how it could be difficult to hear (on his part) or frustrating, or whatever, but at the end of the day, he needs to be able to have a conversation about that, like a mature adult. That's where couples therapy (to work on how you both communicate) would come in... so you can both understand what you need from each other, and what you're each missing.

Maybe you tell him that's what you want for your next birthday/holiday/etc - for him to join you for a session?

Anyway, I'm sorry - it does sound crazymaking to me. I totally get why you're questioning how he sees you or whether he values you. I'd (personally) rather have someone that listens to me, respects me, and takes my point of view into consideration any day over someone that buys stuff (even nice, fancy stuff). But again, I think that might be a "love language" thing - maybe?

*hugs*

How frustrating! Might I suggest something?

There's this woman named Alison Armstrong. She does a lot of lectures and have studied men for years. She does these lectures on the differences between men and women and how to understand where each other is coming from. There's a difference in the way we're wired and the way we hear things. He probably just sees it as how he's kind and thoughtful and his gestures are unappreciated.

My SO and I are listening to one together. After each section we'll pause and talk about it. Some of the material doesn't pertain to us but there are others where we both go, "Ohhhh!" and "AHA!"

We’ve tried couples therapy several times thru our marriage, this last time, we went 5 times. I told him I wanted to separate & he said no.

During that short amount of therapy I’ve noticed that he focuses on the past. It’s very hard for him not to. His anger & mistrust are in the past. He’s shown me thru the yrs that even when this is pointed out to him....he won’t try to change. Change is difficult for most, but him....I’ve never seen change.

He stated in therapy that he doesn’t trust me anymore bec I had an suicide attempt in 2014 & he just can’t seem to forgive me for that or trust me again.
He’s also said that he doesn’t fully trust me with our kids.
Two extremely damaging statements yet when I voice them, he says I think too much or didn’t hear him correctly or he never said that. So when Allison Armstrong talks about “worth” as a male, what he puts in, is he getting the same out; I’m guessing he does not see it the same anymore.
He knows he has problems with anger & has no idea how to process it. I also have anger issues too. I’ve been trying again, even going back to therapy. He doesn’t wanto go; he’s busy!
He likes the status quo.

I'm confused... you told him you wanted to separate and he said "no"?

I guess I don't understand how this actually plays out. It seems like if you want to leave, you leave. He doesn't get a vote. He doesn't get to veto it. This is a unilateral decision.

Do you want to leave? Or was it just a feeling, a response to the heat of the moment?

It sounds like a really painful situation, and if you've tried therapy, tried working it out, and it's not working... then it's not working. I'm not married, so I feel a little out on a limb giving advice, but I think you have to decide if this... him as he is today... is something you're OK with and can make peace with/live with. If not, if it's unhealthy for you, then you need to start thinking about getting out.

Maybe feel out your options? Like... do you have your own therapist to talk to about it? Can you meet (maybe they offer free consults?) with a divorce attorney to see what your options are right now?

It just seems like an awful situation to stay in... feeling miserable, not valued, not heard, and with no hope of things changing. I know that we can't really expect others to change (we can only work on ourselves), but it sounds pretty toxic?

If I wanto leave I can’t just walk out. It’s not that black & white. A lot of gray area & 3 kids at home