Stop Buying Me Clothes!

Are you in therapy for yourself? Is he open to couples therapy?

Honestly, it sounds like a much bigger issue than just the clothes. I mean, it sounds like he won't even listen to you or have a conversation about it, right? That's... not normal.

I'm not married, so I don't have any real authority here. But, when I have issues like this with family or friends, I try to think of a) how I would react and b) how I'd want a good friend to react to me.

If I had a spouse or significant other, and I constantly bought them clothes that they couldn't wear or didn't like, and they specifically told me that they were kind of picky and preferred to not receive clothes as a gift - I'd respect that. I might feel a little sad or embarrassed to think that I'd been picking out bad gifts, but once they told me, I'd stop buying them clothes! Because the whole point of buying a gift for someone is to do something nice for them, not to make them miserable.

If I had an issue with a friend buying me clothes that didn't fit, and I talked to them, I'd expect them to stop. It's not hard... you're not asking for anything that takes extraordinary effort on his part.

I get how it could be difficult to hear (on his part) or frustrating, or whatever, but at the end of the day, he needs to be able to have a conversation about that, like a mature adult. That's where couples therapy (to work on how you both communicate) would come in... so you can both understand what you need from each other, and what you're each missing.

Maybe you tell him that's what you want for your next birthday/holiday/etc - for him to join you for a session?

Anyway, I'm sorry - it does sound crazymaking to me. I totally get why you're questioning how he sees you or whether he values you. I'd (personally) rather have someone that listens to me, respects me, and takes my point of view into consideration any day over someone that buys stuff (even nice, fancy stuff). But again, I think that might be a "love language" thing - maybe?

*hugs*

How frustrating! Might I suggest something?

There's this woman named Alison Armstrong. She does a lot of lectures and have studied men for years. She does these lectures on the differences between men and women and how to understand where each other is coming from. There's a difference in the way we're wired and the way we hear things. He probably just sees it as how he's kind and thoughtful and his gestures are unappreciated.

My SO and I are listening to one together. After each section we'll pause and talk about it. Some of the material doesn't pertain to us but there are others where we both go, "Ohhhh!" and "AHA!"

We’ve tried couples therapy several times thru our marriage, this last time, we went 5 times. I told him I wanted to separate & he said no.

During that short amount of therapy I’ve noticed that he focuses on the past. It’s very hard for him not to. His anger & mistrust are in the past. He’s shown me thru the yrs that even when this is pointed out to him....he won’t try to change. Change is difficult for most, but him....I’ve never seen change.

He stated in therapy that he doesn’t trust me anymore bec I had an suicide attempt in 2014 & he just can’t seem to forgive me for that or trust me again.
He’s also said that he doesn’t fully trust me with our kids.
Two extremely damaging statements yet when I voice them, he says I think too much or didn’t hear him correctly or he never said that. So when Allison Armstrong talks about “worth” as a male, what he puts in, is he getting the same out; I’m guessing he does not see it the same anymore.
He knows he has problems with anger & has no idea how to process it. I also have anger issues too. I’ve been trying again, even going back to therapy. He doesn’t wanto go; he’s busy!
He likes the status quo.

I'm confused... you told him you wanted to separate and he said "no"?

I guess I don't understand how this actually plays out. It seems like if you want to leave, you leave. He doesn't get a vote. He doesn't get to veto it. This is a unilateral decision.

Do you want to leave? Or was it just a feeling, a response to the heat of the moment?

It sounds like a really painful situation, and if you've tried therapy, tried working it out, and it's not working... then it's not working. I'm not married, so I feel a little out on a limb giving advice, but I think you have to decide if this... him as he is today... is something you're OK with and can make peace with/live with. If not, if it's unhealthy for you, then you need to start thinking about getting out.

Maybe feel out your options? Like... do you have your own therapist to talk to about it? Can you meet (maybe they offer free consults?) with a divorce attorney to see what your options are right now?

It just seems like an awful situation to stay in... feeling miserable, not valued, not heard, and with no hope of things changing. I know that we can't really expect others to change (we can only work on ourselves), but it sounds pretty toxic?

If I wanto leave I can’t just walk out. It’s not that black & white. A lot of gray area & 3 kids at home