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Grand Magnate
Managing Editor, PC 
Member Since Apr 2004
Location: Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 4,572
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Dec 22, 2007 at 02:32 PM
#1
I didn't know whether to put this in SI or what, but it has to do with the "girlie doc" and I felt safest here. Beware before continuing that it will be at the very least disturbing to more normal people who aren't the mess I am and would never think of this.....
 I haven't had a pap smear in 3 years, which for my age and lack of activity, shall we say, is not a problem. The problem is, over the last several years, when the PTSD/flashbacks/etc get overwhelming, I cut, uh, "down there." Or rather, "in there." Yes it is gross and twisted and sick, but there are a number of emotions behind it that make it seem like a good idea at the time. Anyway, what I want to know is -- I mean, I know they can look in there and tell you've given birth -- is she going to be able to tell I SI there? And how the heck am I going to explain it if she asks? Sorry I am such a nutjob.  TY for reading if you made it this far.Candy |
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Member
Member Since Sep 2007
Posts: 140
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Dec 22, 2007 at 06:07 PM
#2
you can tell you've had kids by looking at your cervix opening - a different bit to what i think you're talking about.
it would be the same as your skin, if you've cut deeply you can get scars where it has healed, or if it is a smaller you won't see it after it's healed. but it's an area that can heal quite well and with minimal scarring. lots of women get tears in their perineum and vaginal walls from giving birth and they generally heal well after a period of time. so it would depend on how you normally scar, how big and deep you've cut - and even if there were scars there the dr could not determine what caused it. |
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Grand Magnate
Managing Editor, PC
Member Since Apr 2004
Location: Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 4,572
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Dec 22, 2007 at 06:14 PM
#3
Thank you very much. That makes me feel much better. Thank you for replying.
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Dec 22, 2007 at 06:25 PM
#4
CB - you could consider just telling your doc. this is not some freakish place to SI. I know 2 women who do this - so it can't be new to gyno docs.
also....be really careful. if you are going very far inside your vagina, there aren't a lot of nerve endings, and you might cut deeper than you think. take care of yourself campy |
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Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2006
Location: Washington
Posts: 1,395
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Dec 23, 2007 at 01:05 AM
#5
Hey Candybear,
Don't be so hard on yourself. After working in an ER for years, I've seen plenty! SI'ing in there doesn't even make the list. I do hope you'll be careful however. You don't want to cause permanent damage or get a nasty infection. Perhaps you'd consider putting an ice cube in there? It would be painful, but not leave cuts and/or scars. Take good care, Okie __________________ 
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Grand Magnate
Managing Editor, PC
Member Since Apr 2004
Location: Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 4,572
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Dec 23, 2007 at 11:55 PM
#6
thanks everyone, and those who PM'd....for making me feel like less of a freak.
My gyno appt. is in late Feb. and I figured it would be good to start figuring out a lie well ahead of time  .
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Sep 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 1,807
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Dec 25, 2007 at 01:27 PM
#7
(((candybear)))
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Elder
Member Since Jan 2003
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 6,224
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Dec 26, 2007 at 01:47 PM
#8
((( Candy )))
Do you HAVE to lie about it? Or are you worried about being pressured to stop doing it but aren't ready to give it up? __________________ thatsallicantypewithonehand |
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Grand Magnate
Managing Editor, PC
Member Since Apr 2004
Location: Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 4,572
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Dec 26, 2007 at 04:30 PM
#9
((((LMo))))))
I'm not worried about being pressured to stop. It's something I wish I didn't do in the first place, but sometimes it seems like my only option for stopping what's going on in my head. With my history, I also am uncomfortable with sexual feelings--I haven't really ever resolved that my body responded as bodies will while things that shouldn't have been going on, were. So "arousal" is kind of a creepy place for me to find myself. So no, I guess I don't *have* to lie -- I'm just deeply ashamed that I do this and I'd rather not have to tell a physician about it. For that matter, I haven't even told my therapist yet.
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Most Legendary Elder
Member Since Jul 2003
Location: CA
Posts: 22,211
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Dec 28, 2007 at 05:38 PM
#10
I already knew and I've never considered you a freak, Candy. Even when we were on the outs, I loved YOU. I don't understand it, but I love YOU. I accept you for YOU, warts and all.
 {{{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}}}}}
__________________ Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. |
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Grand Magnate
Managing Editor, PC
Member Since Apr 2004
Location: Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 4,572
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Dec 28, 2007 at 06:45 PM
#11
If you look up "labile mood" in the dictionary, you'll find my picture -- I've had this uncanny ability the last week or so literally to laugh and cry at the same time. (It's very unsettling!) But thank you to everyone who has been so kind to me about this. Your responses have made me cry, but out of gratitude for your compassion and understanding. I'm not sure I've earned it, but I appreciate it mightily.
((((((((((Tomi))))))) ((((((all)))))))))  
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Most Legendary Elder
Member Since Jul 2003
Location: CA
Posts: 22,211
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20 397 hugs
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Dec 29, 2007 at 06:52 AM
#12
I don't think anyone has to earn compassion... at least, I've never felt that way about those I give it to. IMO, they can loose it, though.
You have my compasion and my love. I just can't understand why you would want to hurt yourself, but hey, I haven't walked in your moccosins.
__________________ Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. |
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Magnate
Member Since Oct 2007
Location: Fayetteville, AR
Posts: 2,798
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Dec 29, 2007 at 10:38 AM
#13
im not trying to start anything or attack you, but do you really think youre in charge of your own life if you still have to do things like cut yourself? i know it might not be suicidal but its not healthy either. And just changing where you cut doesnt take care of the problem. Equate it to a smoker. If you quit smoking but start something else, youre still addicted. I think that you should really try to find out why you do it instead of thinking about ways to cover it up. Sorry if that sounds a little presumptuous or anything.
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Grand Magnate
Managing Editor, PC
Member Since Apr 2004
Location: Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 4,572
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Dec 29, 2007 at 11:00 AM
#14
Um, yeah -- I know why I do it, thank you. It may not be the perfect coping skill, but it is one that works for me for now, and I do know what underlies it. I am working on that in therapy. I made my own choice to go to therapy -- mom, dad, doctor or school guidance counselor didn't make me. In spite of my mental health issues, I quite succesfully hold down a full-time job, have healthy friendships and a decent quality of life.
So yes, I do think I'm in charge of my own life. Thanks. |
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