weird question, possible trigger...

I didn't know whether to put this in SI or what, but it has to do with the "girlie doc" and I felt safest here. Beware before continuing that it will be at the very least disturbing to more normal people who aren't the mess I am and would never think of this.....

I haven't had a pap smear in 3 years, which for my age and lack of activity, shall we say, is not a problem. The problem is, over the last several years, when the PTSD/flashbacks/etc get overwhelming, I cut, uh, "down there." Or rather, "in there." Yes it is gross and twisted and sick, but there are a number of emotions behind it that make it seem like a good idea at the time.

Anyway, what I want to know is -- I mean, I know they can look in there and tell you've given birth -- is she going to be able to tell I SI there? And how the heck am I going to explain it if she asks?

Sorry I am such a nutjob. TY for reading if you made it this far.

Candy

you can tell you've had kids by looking at your cervix opening - a different bit to what i think you're talking about.

it would be the same as your skin, if you've cut deeply you can get scars where it has healed, or if it is a smaller you won't see it after it's healed. but it's an area that can heal quite well and with minimal scarring. lots of women get tears in their perineum and vaginal walls from giving birth and they generally heal well after a period of time.
so it would depend on how you normally scar, how big and deep you've cut - and even if there were scars there the dr could not determine what caused it.

Thank you very much. That makes me feel much better. Thank you for replying.

CB - you could consider just telling your doc. this is not some freakish place to SI. I know 2 women who do this - so it can't be new to gyno docs.

also....be really careful. if you are going very far inside your vagina, there aren't a lot of nerve endings, and you might cut deeper than you think.

take care of yourself

campy

Hey Candybear,
Don't be so hard on yourself. After working in an ER for years, I've seen plenty! SI'ing in there doesn't even make the list.

I do hope you'll be careful however. You don't want to cause permanent damage or get a nasty infection. Perhaps you'd consider putting an ice cube in there? It would be painful, but not leave cuts and/or scars.
Take good care,
Okie

thanks everyone, and those who PM'd....for making me feel like less of a freak.

My gyno appt. is in late Feb. and I figured it would be good to start figuring out a lie well ahead of time .

(((candybear)))

((( Candy )))

Do you HAVE to lie about it? Or are you worried about being pressured to stop doing it but aren't ready to give it up?

((((LMo))))))

I'm not worried about being pressured to stop. It's something I wish I didn't do in the first place, but sometimes it seems like my only option for stopping what's going on in my head. With my history, I also am uncomfortable with sexual feelings--I haven't really ever resolved that my body responded as bodies will while things that shouldn't have been going on, were. So "arousal" is kind of a creepy place for me to find myself.

So no, I guess I don't *have* to lie -- I'm just deeply ashamed that I do this and I'd rather not have to tell a physician about it. For that matter, I haven't even told my therapist yet.

Well, you told us and that was a very brave first step towards desensitizing yourself to the feelings of being ashamed. Candy, one thing I've noticed is that on PC, people are always way less judgmental than I assume people to be. And if they're that way here, then they're less judgmental in real life. After all, we are each everyday people in real life.

(( Candy )) thinking of you and sending you my full support, however you wish to handle the situation.

Ah, but people are less judgmental here because we are all here for similar reasons. It's much easier to be compassionate and understanding when you have walked a mile in those particular moccasins. It was horrible to have to admit to this even here, but I'm willing to bet there is someone out there reading who also struggles with it.

On the other hand, I don't trust that "normal" people will even begin to comprehend this, and I don't want to get into it and have to feel like a freak and a head case. And really, I told the bare bones here -- if I told you the whole story with details, I'm still not convinced even you wouldn't see me as a freak and a nutjob. It is pretty freaking weird stuff and I hate that it even ever crosses my mind. I hate being such a crazy mess and I hate that I have to live with it, and even admitting to the tiniest amount here just makes me feel like I really should be locked up for this shite and kept away from "polite society." You know? I mean, I know there are varying degrees of "normal,' but no matter how you cut it (so to speak), this isn't normal, and I hate myself for being nuts enough to even consider it, much less do it.

Which is way more than you asked for, but I do appreciate your support. I just feel like I should apologize to all the folks who think I am so well recovered and have it so together for disappointing them. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain....he's a fraud, and so am I.

((Candybear))

You were too honest here to ever be considered a fraud.....just a work in process.

That should give you an extra incentive to get your pap...don't worry about what the doctor may think, just be honest. Your secrets are safe with them, everything is confidential.

but im pretty sure if a doctor suspects you of doing harm to yourself they have to report you. If they feel that you are a danger to yourself or society, they have to do something. If youre honest, be prepared to probably be sent to a therapist of some kind or at least referrred to one. an obgyn can't really check up on you to make sure youre not harming yourself, but theyre always going to look out for your best interest. and letting someone do that to themselves is against the hipocratic oath to never do harm to anyone.

candybear - i hope you get all this straightened out and maybe get some help as to why youre doing this to yourself in the first place. you never know, they could be much more understanding than you think. people always surprise you.

But to whom would they 'report' someone who SI's? I think that the part that they have to report to the police is if someone has S. ideations, but that's different than what Candybear is doing. And since she's already going to a T, I think the worst she'll get is a talkin'-to.

The risk of not going to the OB is greater than the risk of a talkin'-to. Sexually active or not, regular PAPs are extremely important. You don't want to let a bad PAP go for too long without treatment.

Candybear, I don't SI, consider myself "normal" :-) and don't think you're a "freak and a head case". Too, I have a very good imagination.

I think a good doctor (and I'm sure you have picked one good for you) is going to be compassion personified like a good therapist is. I don't think a lie will "fool" them but only "worry" them more. I know you don't want to be "shamed" and are ashamed of yourself (not altogether within reason) but I think one way to help yourself with your feelings of shame and of being an "oddity" is to own up to it with the doctor. If you "need" to cut there you need to cut there! It is your body and you can cut there! But, being "sneaky" about it is not in keeping with it being you and your action. I would make a simple, true, "factual" statement and leave it at that. "I self injure and have done so where you are going to be examining. I would appreciate it if you could be as gentle as possible with me". Such words will elicit respect, I promise.

As always, awesome post, Perna...

I agree too - I consider myself to be 'normal' - I'm one of the people you might know in real life. I don't even have the same reason for being here that the rest of the PC members do, but I definitely can relate to feelings of shame, oddity, and struggling with coping in appropriate ways.

Candy, you're a-ok in my book. Just go get the pap and say what Perna said to say -- YOU are in control of this situation, not your GYN. Go get'em!

they would either report you to your own therapist or a cop or something. when i was cutting myself they reported me to a youth service place called KYS. They said that since it was borderline personality disorder and not me actually trying to kill myself they would only keep up on me and not make me stay there in the rehab place. But I still was forced to go see my doctor every so often so he could check me out and make sure i wasnt cutting myself anymore. I also had to go to a therapist. There are ways they can report you. Trust me, Ive done it before and been reported on before.

Well, I am an irretrievable grownup (42 y/o) and I have a therapist, and cutting, regardless of where, doesn't have a thing to do with being suicidal. I think LMo is probably right about just getting a "talkin'-to," since I am in charge of my own life, not my parents.

The new rule of thumb is that if you aren't sexually active and you have had two previous normal paps, you can go 3 years in between having them, btw. It's the mammo they won't let you out of having yearly.

Also, cutting does not automatically equal borderline personality disorder. I don't fit a single one of the other criteria for ANY personality disorder, much less borderline. Non-psych docs like to tag young women with the BPD label when they cut because they don't know jack about psychiatry and they need to cover their butts.

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candybear said:
Well, I am an irretrievable grownup (42 y/o)

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hahhhahaaaa - CB - you have SUCH a way with words!!!!

Well, what can I say -- I *do* write for a living.

I already knew and I've never considered you a freak, Candy. Even when we were on the outs, I loved YOU. I don't understand it, but I love YOU. I accept you for YOU, warts and all.

{{{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}}}}}

If you look up "labile mood" in the dictionary, you'll find my picture -- I've had this uncanny ability the last week or so literally to laugh and cry at the same time. (It's very unsettling!) But thank you to everyone who has been so kind to me about this. Your responses have made me cry, but out of gratitude for your compassion and understanding. I'm not sure I've earned it, but I appreciate it mightily.

((((((((((Tomi))))))) ((((((all)))))))))

I don't think anyone has to earn compassion... at least, I've never felt that way about those I give it to. IMO, they can loose it, though.

You have my compasion and my love. I just can't understand why you would want to hurt yourself, but hey, I haven't walked in your moccosins.

im not trying to start anything or attack you, but do you really think youre in charge of your own life if you still have to do things like cut yourself? i know it might not be suicidal but its not healthy either. And just changing where you cut doesnt take care of the problem. Equate it to a smoker. If you quit smoking but start something else, youre still addicted. I think that you should really try to find out why you do it instead of thinking about ways to cover it up. Sorry if that sounds a little presumptuous or anything.