[EJ711]

Hi Friends,

I thought I would open this thread to input from all of you. Why do you think self care is so hard for women?

EJ

[Perna]

I was raised to put men/one's husband first. But that was old school :-) I don't think we're taught or given good examples of self care when we grow up? Our mother's are stressed and we pick it right up from them?

I still laugh thinking about the night I decided to give my husband the "smaller" piece of meat. That was a no-no in my stepmother's teaching, the "man" always gets the better/larger piece of meat! So, I'm cooking hamburgers and decide to give my husband the smaller one :-) It was causing me all sorts of anxiety as I'm carrying the plates to the living room so I told my husband my problem and he and I are laughing about it together and yet I'm still anxious! I have to fight to do something just for "me" but I manage nowadays.

[PlanningtoLive]

I am also used to putting others ahead of my own wishes. I always make sure that my son and my husband are taken care of, then if there is time, comes me. Sometimes it irritates me.....lol.

Mary Alice

[bebop]

I think it is in our nature to nuture. we don't know how to take care of us! I know I don't.

[salukigirl]

i dont really think its nature. nature is to defend yourself - survival of the fittest. so nature would make us do self care in overdrive.

i think the biggest part is that when were young (typically) we see our moms do all the work. a lot of moms now a days work a full day then come home and do everything around the house and pull the 2nd shift. honestly, i dont think i ever saw my mom do anything for herself.

i think if we saw our moms do things like go to the spa, take a personal vacation, have the husband do some chorse while we rest - it would be a lot easier. but the truth of the matter is that, until recently, women have done about 80% of the work. so that teaches us at a very young age that we have to be superwoman. we have to work a job, plus take care of the kids, plus cook and clean etc...

now its getting better and a lot of men are helping around the house and with kids but thats with a generation who has already had the typical housewife thing engrained into us. i consider myself very feminist and i still find myself doing it. i still feel like if i want to buy myself a purse once a year that im being selfish. or if, god forbid, i want a pair of jeans... thats just too selfish. but i constantly have this inate want to make food for my boyfriend and give him back massages etc...

nuturing and self-destruction are 2 different things. we all have our own opinions on it. some women will always feel like they are supposed to be in the kitchen. now its our job to change that stereotype

my boyfriend constantly asks me to sit down and let him make me food, let him get me something to drink etc... and i have a problem with it for some reason. so even when i have guy who is trying to pamper me i wont let him.

[splitimage]

Yeah - I think it's all about seeing our mother's examples. Like if my mom got a cold, she'd just carry on, unless it was a major flu and then she'd maybe spend a day in bed, but when my dad got a cold it was a major event & my mom would wait on him hand and foot.

Fortunately I'm pretty good in the self care department now. When I was in the hospital this summer, I realized just how important it was. So I'm thinking of booking myself a spa day soon.

--splitimage

[youOme]

being a mother and focusing on the care of my children definitely puts a toll on me. I sacrifice that once lovingness for myself and have given it to them. I'm sure every mother can relate, but ever since I've had kids I'm out of shape and chubby.

needing to go to a gym and spa at least once a week to be with myself and show myself some much needed love!

[Christina86]

I'd have to say that it might have to do with self-esteem (since a good number of women have lower self-esteem) and maybe we don't think we deserve/should take care of ourselves. But that could also be societal expectations as well, where we're 'expected' to take care of those around us.

I really don't know... interesting thing to ponder.

I need to practice some selfcare though.

[AAAAA]

I don't think it's gender specific. I think it's a personality issue.

[Irine]

yes it si perosnal, but i stronly agre that it`s your Mom example, social yexpectaitons. and everyhting si involved.

You know why?
Becasue we never SOTP TO THINK what a condition we create! we just go on and than FIND OURSELVES in a situaiton that we harly ever care about ourselves.

heck, i thought this topic was about HOW you do self care...i mean what you do to be more healthy. more on such as beauty and health.

I think that if yo uDECIDE to change things and your family loves you, tehn you can.
but i know it may be more complicated that htat, becasue we are USED to everyhting be that way

[Peanuts]

I think a lot of it is social norms. Girls are taught at a young age to take care of others, don't make too much noise, don't be a burden, don't be selfish. And girls see or saw their moms taking care of everyone else first.

I remember once several years ago I was joining some other women in my husband's family for a bridal shower and my husband was staying home to be with our toddler boys. My mother in-law kept saying that he was "baby sitting". I would say no ... he is taking care of his children. There is a difference in the meaning.

If he were going out and I was staying home, she would not say that I was "baby sitting". It would just be a given that I was taking care of my children. A man taking care of his own children is not baby sitting.

Other social norms that I have noticed is that sometimes in my husband's family the women stand in the kitchen while the men sit in the dinning room and eat. And then when the men are finished and either leave the room or push back from the table .. the women come in and sit down. That was so strange to me the first time I encountered that. When I asked my sister in-law why in the world would they do that - she said that it wasn't always possible to get all the cooking finished at the same time and so she would just stay in the kitchen and bring stuff out as it finished cooking.

I was floored. It is a challenge to get dinner items to be finished cooking at the same time - why is it the rolls always get left to the end ?? I do not follow my husband's family tradition in that I put what is ready on the table and sit down with everyone else. When the timer dings .. often my husband will go get whatever (usually the rolls) and bring it to the table. When his family visits - I can tell this arrangement is just as strange to them as theirs is to me.

So anyway - a long winded thought on social norms that seem to place women 2nd class and always putting others before themselves.

[Perna]

Peanuts, interesting about your in-laws. My husband's ex-wife's family is/was similar and now my stepsons and the rest of us tease and joke about the ex-wife, we had a bet about how long she could stay in her seat at Thanksgiving :-) The women in that family (the ex-wife's father left the family when the ex-wife and her sister were young girls) are constantly getting more food and making sure everyone is served and everything is all right, won't sit at the table with everyone else and just enjoy the meal.

For me it was my "training", I took care of my Mom all of her life... and that was "just" the expectation. My father did not want to deal with my Mom's illness... so.. from a very early age - that was his expectation.

Then, my Mom's expectation was that I would take care of my father.

so the training was kinda "two fold"...

My ex-husband... was very much "take care of me - as in him" - and nothing for me... but then he was also a very abusive person so.. I would not have "learned" self care for myself.. from him.

I don't believe in all of my life that I have ever had anyone take care of me.. so I have never experienced that "feeling"... so knowing even what "self care" is... is like a "foreign language"... I do believe I am learning the "language" now... and it is making me a better person.

So to "sum" it up... I think that the concept of "self care for women" is individualist... and that it is a "learned" behavior...

And.. I am happy to say... I am finally learning...

a very, very good thread...