more female advice

im probably bugging you guys lol but im scared.

i have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now. i have never liked anyone else that way since ive been with him. i guess i always noticed people's flaws right off the bat and were not impressed by anyone.

well his anxiety issues have been killing me lately and it feels like my feelings for him are dying. feels like we hardly ever have "good days" and when we do theyre usually ruined by something little that gets out of hand.

well lately i have not been able to stop thinking about my T.A. for my invertebrates class. I don't know what it is about him but I haven't felt like this about someone in a long time. I feel like a 13 year old girl with a crush again.

I guess Im just scared about what it means. I don't know if it's because I have been feeling numb towards our relationship so its like anything new that comes along just excites me. Or if Im already over my boyfriend and were not even broken up. I don't want to leave him or lose him. I know that he has everything I look for in a person. It has just been so hard because he lets his anxiety get the best of him.

He flips out over nothing. Hes so paranoid that people hate him and hears tones in what people say when the tones aren't there. He expects that anytime someone calls him its to yell at him. He has ulcers because of his anxiety and his immune system is so down that he has been sick since before thanksgiving.

I finally went off 2 days ago. I listed everything in his life that he blames on outside influences but is really caused by his anxiety. I asked him what it was going to take for him to realize that he is sabotaging himself. And I told him that I don't have feelings for him anymore because he has killed them. All feelings I had are just gone. Every time I start to feel good about us something happens. I just can never build up that sense of security or even being physically attracted to him.

But at the same time, I wouldn't want to end this on a whim for something I couldn't know would work out. I just don't know why I can't get this guy out of my mind. And it doesn't help that during lab I catch him looking at me and smiling.

I want to walk over and say "dont do that! be a jerkface so i can hate you!" argggg...... I don't know what to do. I feel like there is no one I can talk to about this.

I don't know what I feel about your post. On the one hand your boyfriend's anxiety bugs you and that's okay but there's a hint that some of its degree is predicated on you might like to start something with the T.A. but I had to laugh that you built so much into his looking at you and smiling. Uh, that's what they have to do in class? They look out and smile at students, especially pretty girls if they're guys. They want good feedback that you're getting it and you're probably grinning at him :-)

I'd treat the T.A. thing as if it were a 13 year old's crush; you don't know if he has girlfriend or what his circumstances are and I don't hear any need for new angst in your life right this minute?

I'd either split with the boyfriend or try to mend the harsh things it sounds like you said the other day. I figure I have enough of my own mental health problems that I try not to spill on my husband and his. Unfortunately, mine spill over and I correct him and let him know what is wrong with him, even though that's not my job. As he often has to point out to me, we're on the "same team" so I'm supposed to be helping him with his, not aggrevating them by pointing out what he can't do anything about on his own.

My advice boils down to deal with one guy/relationship at a time. Clean up the boyfriend relationship so it continues or ends "pleasantly" and then go on to the next step. I can't tell from your post whether I feel you are being driven away from your boyfriend by his behavior or whether you are using his behavior as an excuse to stray because you are bored or unhappy or unwary with yourself and previous habits? I would stick for a bit and see what I could do with the boyfriend and myself in relation to the boyfriend. You've identified several areas of possibility/question in the relationship and I'd look at the ones that might have to do with you directly, if you have trouble "sticking" then you'll know more about yourself than if you just say, "it's him" and move on?

i would never cheat. i know that deep down i dont really want "to do" anything with my t.a. I don't want to just move on. Its not like we've only been together a few months. I mean, we've lived together for over a year and a half and were dating before that when he went to school at ohio state.

i guess i know that im "straying" because of everything thats going on right now. Im not even really straying per se. Its not like Im saying "you have problems so Im out" because i have problems too. I feel like thats what it started out as, me having some crush. Then as I was typing it it became more of, he has these problems and theyre making me freak out now. I just dont know how to deal with it anymore.

I feel like ive tried everything. the compassion and understanding didn't work. So I tried the tought love thing. Threatening, pleading.... he just doesnt get it. So it's like my brain's natural repsonse when I don't know how to solve the problem to just go elsewhere. I have done that with other guys but I dont want to with him.

Im just afraid that if it stays this way much longer that I wont be able to get those feelings back. He is going back to school in the fall and will then have insurance through the school. Im going to talk to him about going to counseling for his anxiety. A large part of what happens will depend on his answer.

I think he is willing to try, he just doesnt know how to "fix it". And he gets so nervous around new people that he has a real problem with things like therapy. But I don't feel like I can be my own person and his therapist at the same time.

Its almost like, everything that goes wrong we can pintpoint to one thing: anxiety and paranoia. so it took us a long time to figure that out, now we don't know where to go from here. Its like, "okay we know the problem, now how do we change it?"

the t.a. thing just scared me because since weve been together i havent really found a guy extremely attractive. so it freaked me out that i did.

No cheating... #2, have you had anxiety? Sometimes it will get the best of you. I'm not opinionating or anything, but sometimes I wondered if my hubby would get sick of my anxiety and how it effected things. But if you feel nothing can be done to better the situation, than i think its pretty much overwith.

Does your boyfriend see a therapist? Social anxiety can be a serious problem.

he is going to start once school starts. he doesnt have insurance right now and he's going back for his MBA this fall. so then hell have insurance through the school and he can go to counseling. he has all kinds of anxiety and dependency problems. at least now he sees it so hes backed off a bit and hasnt been smothering me. and ever since he clamed down a little with the affection i havent felt like i liked anyone so i think it was just me freaking out a bit.