Fixed Delusion

That's what my T calls it. So what do I DO about it?

I hate my reproductive organs. I have never felt that they "belong" to me, and I've wanted them gone ever since I found out I had them. Y'know - somewhere around fifth grade when they start the whole sex ed thing. I found out what was inside me and what was going to happen to me for the rest of my life and I FREAKED!!! I still have a rough time when it's "that time of the month". Really rough...And never mind how I feel about pregnancy or babies or any of that gross, parasitic stuff...

So my T calls it a "fixed delusion". The good news is that it's a very narrow, focused issue. The bad news is that it's very strong and part of "everyday life". I'm not suffering from any other significant gender issues.

I took the Depo shot for almost a decade, and that was awesome. No periods, no pregnancy - perfect!!! Until they found out it was draining calcium from my bones and they made me stop taking it. I was REALLY lucky that I was able to find a doctor who was willing to tie my tubes (at age 34). But I haven't been able to talk them into doing a hysterectomy for me.

They keep telling me that nothing's wrong. I'm healthy. But I'm NOT. I want those darned foreign bodies OUT of my body! I don't know what to do. My periods keep coming every single month and I don't know how much longer I can handle this. I take anti-psychotics as it is, but they have no effect on this. I KNOW it's not the way the rest of the world thinks things are, but it's absolutely real to me!

Any suggestions?

not really sure what to tell you here. they are a normal part of your body. not foreign objects. I am sorry you are having a hard time with this. (((hugs)))

Hmm... I sort of feel the same at times. It has ceased over the years, but it was really strong for, say, the first 18 years of my life (I'm 19 now - I got pregnant by accident and started feeling different about having kids) - I wouldn't call it a delusion - for me, it was/is strong hatred for being female.

A lot of the time I also feel like I'm not a female at all - more like genderqueer (you can look for the term on wikipedia if you don't know what it means) or androgynyous.

You don't have to answer any of this, but you might want to think if you have a traumatic past, abuse or anything?

Also, many people don't really feel like they are a part of either gender. I don't see anything wrong with that.

What I think you have to do is figure out whether the way you feel is wrong for you or not. Maybe through therapy or something you could come to terms with having female reproductive organs.

I won't say much because I don't know what your case is.

Best of luck,
Katie

Why does everyone keep telling me that it's normal and natural and that I HAVE to be OK with it? If it's my delusion, why do I have to change it?
Doesn't anyone care how I feel about it?

Not you guys. Just anybody. I try to talk to people and they all just tell me that it's OK, periods are normal, You're fine. I'm NOT fine - I'm bleeding uncontrollably and I can't stop it! If I hadn't gotten fixed, I could have someThing growing inside me, feeding off my body. Never mind all the trauma from the dammd abortions. That's disgusting! It can't be natural. Get it out of me...

They tell me I have to keep my ovaries so that my bones can recover from the Depo shot. And they tell me that I can't have a hysterectomy because I'm perfectly healthy. C'mon, guys - I'm using it about as much as I'm using my appendix.

I'm freaking out. I'm already freaking out. It's all so DISGUSTING. I need to talk about it, but I can't because it's too horrific to even consider...
*whimper*
never mind...

you need the hormones that in them. no surgeon will do a hysterectomy on healthy organs. I am really sorry you are feeling this way. take it from someone that had a total hysterectomy at the ripe old age of 24. I have osteoporosis and have had it since I was about 35. not fun at all. alot of your health goes downhill with that.

i use a coil that after a while you dont see nothing, daughter has the inplant in her arm the same thing there no periods after a while

hope these are some ideas so you can work on all the issues

Can you use a birth control pill like seasonal? Only four periods a year. It might reduce your stress level a bit.

I'm not sure why you feel this way about something so natural to your body. But I would think your T could help you more with it.

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BalishBun said:
I'm not sure why you feel this way about something so natural to your body.

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Nobody does, so maybe I should just not talk about it.
In MY reality , it's NOT natural, and I have no idea why you guys think it is. I've always felt like this. Always. It just wasn't an issue until I hit puberty and I started bleeding uncontrollably. It lasted for almost a week. It was the most disgusting thing and it was horrible. Yes, I'd had sex ed and they told us what to "expect" but I didn't think it applied to me because I'm not like everyone else. I'm not like them. I'm different so I don't have to go through that nonsense. And there it was, inside me, hiding out, waiting to ruin my life and make me weak. Maybe it's natural in you guys' world, but it sure wasn't in mine.

I don't need birth control - I'm fixed. Since my doctor OBVIOUSLY won't "treat" anything that doesn't "need" to be done, I can't count on her to give me birth control - even if it would help. I remember trying to take the pill, and I had to take it at EXACTLY the same time every day, and even then I would get "breakthrough spotting". Same thing as a period, just a little less of it and ALL THE TIME. Ick, Ick, Ick.

Are pills that much better these days? Do these other methods (coil? arm thingy?) have the same problem as the Depo shot with your bone mass? My bones are finally on the mend, and I don't think I want to try anything that would make them worse again.

Besides, I smoke so pills would kill me. That's what the other doctor said. Since I smoke, I would get a blood clot and have a stroke and die (or worse).

I've had 4 blood clots, no strokes, and am still alive....but the possibility's always there, yeah. (I was only on the pill for the first one, though.)

You might need a therapist who specializes in gender issues. I think this is beyond the scope of any of us here to do more than listen.

I'm not sure if it is a delusion...

You talk about loss of control a lot... Is that what bugs you? That you bleed, and you have no control over that?

How do you feel if you cut yourself and start bleeding? Same fear about loss of control or not?

Guys have troubles with learning to control their erections in public, too...